Author Topic: How's This For A Start ....  (Read 1258 times)

Offline Mark T

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Re: How's This For A Start ....
« Reply #15 on: November 16, 2018, 02:43:18 PM »

That's good advice from H3K, to move ahead elsewhere for now. My stock advice for writing a first book is to write the opening chapter last. By the time you get to the end, you are a better writer than when you started. The beginning of a book is what counts for readers (and agents) so my logic is that you should be at your best to write the beginning. 

Online heartsongjt

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Re: How's This For A Start ....
« Reply #16 on: November 16, 2018, 03:01:54 PM »
rewh2oman  Just my take on another beginning for your story.
 Good luck with your writing.       jt

Weakened by oxygen depletion Jimmy Doyle woke up choking. He got on his knees, spewing up saltwater, gasping for air, violently struggling to dislodge the cork that hindered his breathing. With one final push his air passage opened, allowing him to throw up the remaining water. He slumped over, feeling like he'd just gotten the wind knocked out of him. Slowly he began to take in small sips of air until he could suck in a long, deep gulp of oxygen. The effort caused a sharp pain in his chest. 

Jimmy grabbed his rib cage, thinking he busted a few ribs, and collapsed. His rapid breathing underscored the sharpness in his chest. He lay still for some time until he was able to relax. As the pain let up he could finally breathe normally. What just happened?

He sensed the ground moving. Bouncing. Not in any constant motion, but in a haphazard one. What is happening?

Then Jimmy remembered.
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

hillwalker3000

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Re: How's This For A Start ....
« Reply #17 on: November 17, 2018, 04:58:14 AM »
This is the beginning of the story. It will evolve, as do all stories, so you’ll understand the “saltwater” and everything else.

The problem is, no one is going to stick around to watch the story 'evolve' if they don't get beyond the opening. Focusing on someone choking and spewing then grabbing their rib cage (instead of having them maybe washed up on a beach or drowning in their own bedroom) isn't enough of a hook for me. Stretching out this scene to half a page with even more boring details won't overcome the problem either. Your story has to hit the ground running, which is why I'd suggest you leave it until the story is finished.

Good luck.

H3K

Online heartsongjt

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Re: How's This For A Start ....
« Reply #18 on: November 17, 2018, 02:11:59 PM »
The problem is, no one is going to stick around to watch the story 'evolve' if they don't get beyond the opening. Focusing on someone choking and spewing then grabbing their rib cage (instead of having them maybe washed up on a beach or drowning in their own bedroom) isn't enough of a hook for me. Stretching out this scene to half a page with even more boring details won't overcome the problem either. Your story has to hit the ground running, which is why I'd suggest you leave it until the story is finished.

Good luck.

H3K

This is so true, H3K. Thank you for the time you take to help new writers.       jt 
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints