Author Topic: Promise Kept [504 words] draft  (Read 1009 times)

Offline heartsongjt

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Re: Promise Kept [504 words] draft
« Reply #15 on: November 12, 2018, 02:01:24 PM »
hello

Just a few things.  But if you have a story in mind, finish it without worrying whether or not it will work. 1st drafts seldom do, so don't judge the final producT on its first steps.


Filtering - filtering is where you sort of put a buffer zone between actual direct feelings the mc or character is experiencing at the time. There are times when filtering is the best way to go, but most times it deadens the moments.   

ie

The darkness closed around Lisa, as sweaty hands tightened their grip around her throat.

*

Now as to the mention of sweaty. I believe also a better adjective could be used that enhances her fear.  Still, I like 'sweaty' used also, but it just needs to be active in her train of thoughts. She could be choking but in the back of her mind she's revolted for some reason about the sweat. It could be built on that Robert's hands were always sweaty, maybe one of the things which bothered her throughout their marriage.

You would need to tie it in better, her state of mind blinking in and out of consciousness, etc, or drifting in unwarranted directions - like remembering a good joke at a moment when laughing is frowned upon. 

The thing is, it requires building up and down with it.

That can be done through editing and drafts -   strong hands works just as well.

Think about works placement and usage when you go through the drafts. After a while it comes natural and you don't have to edit as much.   Think about what you want to show the reader, what the character is experiencing at that time.

his heavy body - good

pinning her whole body - not so much /  pinning her against the floor  - direct contact

she could feel her life leaving her body   - not so much  /   .... feel her life leaving - direct


*

so basically you are over telling the scenes, probably unsure if you had said enough or if the reader gets it.  Trust your readers more. Trust your words more.  And don't sweat a story on the first draft.

Thank you Tak....for giving so much attention to my writing. I appreciate all the suggestions .        jt
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Offline Kim Evans

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Re: Promise Kept [504 words] draft
« Reply #16 on: November 12, 2018, 11:05:44 PM »
Welcome JT

Offline landmersm

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Re: Promise Kept [504 words] draft
« Reply #17 on: December 04, 2018, 01:54:25 PM »
Struggling to get free from the hands of the intoxicated man, whose heavy body was now pinning her whole body against the floor, she could feel the life leaving her body.

You used the word body three times here. Little things like that make me stop reading. I don't mean that in a nasty way - like stopping completely - but when i see mistakes like that I end up stopping after the sentence before continuing.  It breaks the immersion, at least to me.

Something else I noticed was your use of dialogue tags. Using phrases like snapped, hollered, or other such phrases are typically frowned upon. It's okay to break it up every now and then, but the human brain will glance over the words "said" and "ask" when reading. We know what it happening by what the sentence itself is saying. Let the sentence tell you that the person is yelling, that he/she is crying out. Here's a link that can explain it better.  https://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/keep-it-simple-keys-to-realistic-dialogue-part-ii

Quote
Opening the suitcase, looking inside, expecting to see the wedding dress, all the color drained from Liza’s face.  “What did he do with my dress? “, she cried out, looking down, at what now replaced it in the suitcase.

You could say the same thing without the dialogue tag. Maybe: "Opening the suitcase, expecting to see the wedding dress, all color drained from Liza's face. She screamed aloud. "What did he do?"   And so on.

I liked the idea, and you certainly started your story with action. An abusive partner choking someone is an eye opener.  I am certainly not a professional, so my advice is only the opinion of one guy.


Best of luck!
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Offline heartsongjt

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Re: Promise Kept [504 words] draft
« Reply #18 on: December 04, 2018, 02:03:07 PM »
Thank you, landersm. I really appreciate your suggestions....    jt
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Offline Il Penseroso

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Re: Promise Kept [504 words] draft
« Reply #19 on: December 04, 2018, 03:08:37 PM »
This could be the start of a good story, but it would need a lot of TLC - or blood, sweat and tears, whichever you prefer - first.

A few things that stood out at me:

Your MC. You spell her name both as Liza and Lisa. Choose one spelling and use that consistently throughout the story.

Your verbs. I think you may have been using some artistic license there. Setting should be sitting (you did that a couple of times) and hollowing certainly should have been hollering. Raising should be rising. There might be more.

The cats. Just get them out of there. Cats don't like scenes and would have been long gone by the time Robert trips over them.

Now for the strangling bit. Having been both on the giving and receiving end of some strangulation quite a few times, what you wrote didn't ring true to me. I cannot imagine your MC having been capable of any speech. Not even a whisper. Not if Robert did even a half decent job strangling her. If you want us to believe Liza was damn near dying, the only sound she could have made would have been a hoarse, constricted little cough. Or a wheezing sound perhaps. She might have had those thoughts, though.

Now there's the hard bit. I haven't seen anything we haven't already read or seen a hundred times before. You need to come up with something fresh or your reader will put your story aside.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2018, 03:17:51 PM by Il Penseroso »

Offline heartsongjt

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Re: Promise Kept [504 words] draft
« Reply #20 on: December 04, 2018, 03:27:45 PM »
Thank you, Penseroso.  I appreciate your feedback. and suggestions.   jt
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