Author Topic: Safari  (Read 524 times)

Offline Archaic Torso

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Safari
« on: October 15, 2018, 06:20:13 AM »
Lowering from the sky, the great cranes-
Teetering necks that could feed clouds.
Groaning mammoths boring craters to
Bathe crocodiles. Machinery making
Mounds of earth. Common dump truck,
Broad back carrying progeny of pulp
And muck. A lone bulldozer, idle
Under shade of fir tree canopy,
Lost to time.

JanTetstone

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Re: Safari
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2018, 08:42:52 AM »
Lowering from the sky, the great cranes-
Teetering necks that could feed clouds.
Groaning mammoths boring craters to
Bathe crocodiles. Machinery making
Mounds of earth. Common dump truck,
Broad back carrying progeny of pulp
And muck. A lone bulldozer, idle
Under shade of fir tree canopy,
Lost to time.

This flows smoothly, and describes  some of the construction areas ,I worked at years ago.
I hope to read more, here at MWC, from you.                                   

Offline Mark T

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Re: Safari
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2018, 12:01:01 PM »

Good title. We have cranes, mammoths and crocodiles. I wonder if there is any room for further expansion of zoology as simile and metaphor. The feel is a little melancholic and bleak, which I think was the intent. My only real quibble would be to consider not starting every line with capitalization - your punctuation is grammatical. Thanks for posting, and nice to see you back, AT.

JanTetstone

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Re: Safari
« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2018, 01:37:25 PM »
My only real quibble would be to consider not starting every line with capitalization -

Some of the greatest poets, of all times, started every line with a capital letter. Bryant's Poetical works has over 400 pages of poetry. Every line of every poem begins with a capital letter.                 

Besides, I too am guilty of capitalizing the first word in every line of a poem- once in a while.      jt

Offline Mark T

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Re: Safari
« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2018, 02:31:50 PM »

It's true - much of older poetry is indeed written that way but there is perhaps less punctuation. Modern poetry has evolved to being more grammatical but there are no rules about it. It's just easier to read maybe. I used to only write that way and still do sometimes but generally I prefer run-on enjambments, so to speak. 

Offline Archaic Torso

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Re: Safari
« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2018, 04:19:39 PM »
As far as the capital letters I never put much thought into either doing that or not. I will try it with more natural punctuation next time.

Thanks for the comments. If I could trouble you for a word on what you think the meaning of the poem is, with respect to the images and such, etc. I would be very grateful.  But yes it certainly IS meant to be bleak/ Also Mark thank you for remembering me. I actualy tried to find this forum several times since my last appearnce but google couldnt mke it obvious where it was. lol
« Last Edit: October 15, 2018, 04:21:14 PM by Archaic Torso »

Offline Mark T

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Re: Safari
« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2018, 05:28:18 PM »

Deforestation.

Offline dlp

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Re: Safari
« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2018, 01:33:41 AM »
it's a descriptive poem.  it didn't hold my interest though.  maybe they are putting up more condo?

Offline Archaic Torso

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Re: Safari
« Reply #8 on: October 19, 2018, 02:29:53 AM »
Deforestation.

Well now I can breathe a sigh of relief.
« Last Edit: October 19, 2018, 02:32:24 AM by Archaic Torso »

Offline Archaic Torso

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Re: Safari
« Reply #9 on: October 19, 2018, 02:31:52 AM »
it's a descriptive poem.  it didn't hold my interest though.  maybe they are putting up more condo?

Hey-ho you can't win 'em all. Maybe you cold explain why next time.

JanTetstone

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Re: Safari
« Reply #10 on: October 19, 2018, 10:23:13 AM »
Deforestation.

Deforestation, clearance, or clearing is the removal of a forest or stand of trees where the land is thereafter converted to a non-forest use.


Those (such as myself) who have knowledge of construction layout, for roads, highways, bridges, housing projects and other government and private projects, (that call for the removal of strands of trees) have seen, first hand, condos being built where great pines and great oaks once grew.

The picture you painted with words describe what construction workers see, at construction sites, anywhere trees and forests are being destroyed in the name of progress.

That was why I used the word 'construction' in my reply (above).                 jt

Offline dlp

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Re: Safari
« Reply #11 on: October 19, 2018, 06:25:04 PM »


Okay-i found the phrase "groaning mammoths" uninspired.  the crocodile line seems out of place.  to me this is just a description of a work site.   they could be clearing land to build a shopping center, houses, office building - more so then deforestation.