Hi Mark T, thank you for sharing this poem. I'm a prose writer and usually stay in the genre of social realism but will do my best to give helpful comments.
Overall, there are some strong images. In particular, I like your contrast between fantastical and concrete images (e.g., contrast between fantastical images in the verse starting with 'Numbers rotate unscathed' and concrete picture of 'vanilla ice-cream/ ... between sandy toes). However, the images don't seem to make much sense together - the poem doesn't seem to have a unifying thread. Are the italicised interjections from someone who is trying to write a poem? Why suddenly mention Zen and Chi at the end?
There are also some images which seem redundant or don't carry much meaning when you think about it. For example:
- What is 'resonance ringing'? Doesn't the word 'resonance' already capture the idea of 'ringing'?
- How are Mondays bony?
- What is 'liquid birdsong'? Some specificity about details such as what the bird is singing, what bird it is, what sort of voice it has etc might be more effective.
- What is 'loose intuition'?
Again, please remember that I'm not a poet and haven't been exposed to much poetry either. Therefore, I'm reading this from a beginner's eye - it's possible that my inexperience caused me to miss some important elements.
Thank you again for sharing your work
Inky