Author Topic: Sometimes in poetry  (Read 540 times)

Offline Mark T

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Sometimes in poetry
« on: September 27, 2018, 03:27:13 PM »
Sometimes in poetry


I listen to resonance ring
in ingots slung upon anvils.
I witness images slip inside
hesitant visions of dualities
and trace words from lips
unkissed by this reality.

No, that will not do -

So what of these swirling waves
wielded by the seas... perhaps
wind patterns in wheat fields,   
or the summer-warm stones
in some forlorn churchyard 
lonely as bony Mondays?

No, not that either…

Numbers rotate unscathed
in their mysterious dance
upon cellular divisions of infinity.
Giant cog wheels of history
roll into the seas and rust.
In polarized inversion,
wintry midnight suns
throw no shadow of ego.
Somewhere on Earth,
a drop of vanilla ice-cream
falls between sandy toes.

No…

I feel warm winds lofted in liquid birdsong. I see
people unwind their temporal chains as God
wanders through cardboard stage-props
taking names. And any loose intuition
is just a collective echo of thoughts
scribbled across an ad-libbed reality.

Zen is observation. Chi follows the wind.




Offline Archaic Torso

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Re: Sometimes in poetry
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2018, 06:30:59 AM »
Reading some poems is like driving offroad in a shoddy vehicle, but this was smooth as butter. After the first line I trusted the language completely and I just went with it and questioned nothing. Every image had an original flair to it.

In terms of form I'm personally not a fan of the interjections in itallics.

Offline Mark T

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Re: Sometimes in poetry
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2018, 12:04:54 PM »

Thanks for looking and commenting, AT. That's kind of you to say. I guess the piece is about poetry with the poet rejecting his efforts (we all know how that goes) until something acceptable occurs, and there's a payoff in terms of insight. Something like that.

Offline Inky

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Re: Sometimes in poetry
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2018, 11:48:28 PM »
Hi Mark T, thank you for sharing this poem. I'm a prose writer and usually stay in the genre of social realism but will do my best to give helpful comments.

Overall, there are some strong images. In particular, I like your contrast between fantastical and concrete images (e.g., contrast between fantastical images in the verse starting with 'Numbers rotate unscathed' and concrete picture of 'vanilla ice-cream/ ... between sandy toes). However, the images don't seem to make much sense together - the poem doesn't seem to have a unifying thread. Are the italicised interjections from someone who is trying to write a poem? Why suddenly mention Zen and Chi at the end?

There are also some images which seem redundant or don't carry much meaning when you think about it. For example:
 
- What is 'resonance ringing'? Doesn't the word 'resonance' already capture the idea of 'ringing'?
- How are Mondays bony?
- What is 'liquid birdsong'? Some specificity about details such as what the bird is singing, what bird it is, what sort of voice it has etc might be more effective.
- What is 'loose intuition'?

Again, please remember that I'm not a poet and haven't been exposed to much poetry either. Therefore, I'm reading this from a beginner's eye - it's possible that my inexperience caused me to miss some important elements.

Thank you again for sharing your work
Inky

Offline dlp

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Re: Sometimes in poetry
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2018, 11:09:08 PM »
as i understand this, it is a writer having a problem getting just the right way to write a poem.  something almost all writers of poetry go through.  my only problem is that the three attempts don't seem to have a constant theme.  i could  see this as a writer wanting to say something but doesn't t know what angle to came at if from, but the starts are  too different for that to be the case.  I could be totally wrong about your intention.
« Last Edit: October 23, 2018, 11:16:23 PM by dlp »

Offline Mark T

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Re: Sometimes in poetry
« Reply #5 on: October 25, 2018, 01:32:46 PM »

Thanks for comments, Inky and dip. dip, you have it close enough. Poems about poetry are never a good idea but I tried. Think of each stanza as crumpled ball of paper in a corner as the poet tries different things in search of a truth to be found. So they are all separate poem attempts which could be the unifying aspect but that's too abstract to pick up from the writing, I guess. My nod to form is tailoring line lengths to create shapes, which influences word choices and thus the meaning, if any, to be found in the piece. It becomes what it is.   

Offline indar

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Re: Sometimes in poetry
« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2018, 11:05:19 AM »
I disagree mark,

You've probably noticed over the years that I have an unreasonable fondness for the poetry of Archibald Mac Leish. His poem: Ars Poetica is so often quoted a person might think it's the only thing he ever wrote. Another of his is They Come No More, Those Words, Those Finches.


Furthermore I really like the imagery and sound in yours--fabulous write to my reading.

Offline Mark T

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Re: Sometimes in poetry
« Reply #7 on: November 14, 2018, 12:10:59 PM »

Thank you, Linda. Perhaps Zen after all - finding the poetry in poetry?

Offline AntonioM

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Re: Sometimes in poetry
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2018, 04:48:01 AM »
I liked this, the multiplicity it and self criticism are charming voices. . . Is it nature, the unfortunate circumstances of living, or the infinite structure of time that proves the poet is his own God?

Antonio
ARM

Offline Mark T

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Re: Sometimes in poetry
« Reply #9 on: November 30, 2018, 12:58:09 PM »

Thanks ARM, interesting comment as always. Good to see you. 

Offline Il Penseroso

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Re: Sometimes in poetry
« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2018, 02:44:29 PM »
I like it Mark. esp. the last stanza.

"winds lofted in liquid birdsong" evokes an image that cannot be, yet still is. How can birdsong be liquid? And yet it makes sense. Somehow.

Offline Mark T

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Re: Sometimes in poetry
« Reply #11 on: December 04, 2018, 03:15:52 PM »

Thanks Pen.