Here are a few, hopefully, helpful points
Better chunking, longer pauses between spoken 'paragraphs'.
Nice tone but need to vary speed. A little quicker, then slower, then quicker again, as excitement is needed or not. Overall it needs to be a slower pace so the listener can absorb the content.
Stand up when you're talking to the mike - and use your arms and body to emphasise your words. This will bring more passion to your words.
These notes are being written as you read. By minute six, you improve immensely. The pace settles and your passion starts to come through.
As a video, -an occasional- change from Einstein would be a good idea. This could reflect each point the story is telling.
Background music is just right - good level and apt for content.
