Author Topic: Help with tenses  (Read 73 times)

Offline Loudpurple

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Help with tenses
« on: August 04, 2018, 08:35:23 PM »
Hi, I'd like some help with tenses (or grammar in general) as I'm not a native speaker. And of course overall thoughts on the poem. Gracias  :)

The Shift
I deleted it guys
Thanks Mark for your reply!

« Last Edit: August 12, 2018, 07:50:15 AM by Loudpurple »

Offline Mark T

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Re: Help with tenses
« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2018, 05:57:10 AM »
The writing is quite dense in places and therefore difficult to follow - sometimes poetry can be like giving directions - easy to give but not to understand so much. But there are sections that are quite good, in a raw sort of way. I liked this line that stood out for me, and I suggest you try starting the poem with this. The first draft is putting big chunks of thought down and then you can sift through and edit to more accurately define your intentions to the reader. Don't be afraid to slash and burn your words in the review, nothing sacred there and there are plenty more available.

Today I met a woman who's never been a mother,
life denied her, so now I'm another daughter

Just a suggestion. You see how surplus bits fall away so you can get closer to the core of things. Adding the word 'another' clarifies your relationship with your own mother ie normal - it is internal rhyme with 'mother' and smoothens out the meter (rhythm).
« Last Edit: August 10, 2018, 06:00:37 AM by Mark T »