Author Topic: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ  (Read 5779 times)

Offline zod

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Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« on: December 16, 2006, 10:21:27 PM »
Well, here is my script and I feel that this could be a lot better so any comments on how to improve it would be appreciated. Thanks! Bye the way, its also very referential to some Tarantino films.



1  INT  RESTAURANT  - MORNING

Two young men arrive at a breakfast café one early morning wearing suits. They both appear to be somewhat tired and exhausted, but also in a rush. They then sit down at a table and order coffee.

DAVE
I’m scared Vic!

VIC
Keep your voice down. (whispers “Just act natural and stay calm and nothing is going to happen to us.”) You got it?

DAVE
Okay Vic. Whatever you say. I’m just really worried that they’re on to us. I think they’re coming after us right now as we speak. We’re dead. We’re dead men. It’s over.

VIC
Don’t say that. Everything is going to plan. In a matter of hours were all gonna be filthy rich. A million each for the three of us.

DAVE
If everything is going to plan, than where is she? Where is Mia? Huh Vic? She should have been here by now. Why isn’t she here? Were through with! It’s over! We should bail, let’s just go right now.

VIC
She’s just running a little late, that’s expected. She’ll be here soon. Just give her some more time. Now sit tight and be patient.

DAVE
It’s already 10 after, you think something happened to her?

VIC
I’m sure she’s fine.  She knows the plan, she’s just running a little late that’s all.

DAVE
You don’t think she took off without us do you? With her being in charge of handling the money, she could have left without us and decided to keep it for herself. I think she double crossed us. She’s probably already outta town by now.

VIC
Would you just listen to yourself, you sound crazy. Mia would never do that to us, she is our sister after all. Besides, we agreed to meet at the cabin if anything happened to us and we couldn’t meet here for some reason. We will wait a little longer for her to show up. Then we can leave.

DAVE
Okay, it’s just that something about all of this doesn’t seem right. I almost feel as if we are being set up.

VIC
No, everything is fine. Just calm down and get a hold of yourself. The cops probably chased her down towards this area, so she  may have gone to the woods to lose them. If she doesn’t show up in the next few minutes, we will head off to the cabin.

DAVE
I just don’t feel safe here, that’s all. I almost wish that we never even did this to begin with.

VIC
Everything is fine, no go to the bathroom and clean off that blood on you. We don’t wanna look suspicious.

DAVE
Okay Vic.

Dave gets up and walks towards the bathroom. The shot fades out.

2  FLASHBACK INT - DAY


This scene, involving the corrupt Detective Jack, has him analyzing the account of our three gangsters in this tale. He is on the phone talking to a cop and is being led traces as to the whereabouts of Vic and Dave.

DETECTIVE JACK
(While talking on the phone) Hi, how are you?………I’m fine. So what is the latest on our two bandits?………Okay……Okay………Well, I’ll be on my way shortly. I’m going to hunt these guys down and get the money back……Yeah, I know they’re dangerous, don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself, soon they will be the ones that are scared. I still can’t believe that they shot that lady. Well, I better go, and if anything should happen to me, I want you to kill these guys. Got it? Okay……bye.




3 FLASHBACK - EXT DAY

Long shot of outside of a bank, we see our main characters,(Vic, Dave, and Mia), get out of a car and walk into a bank.

   DAVE
(While inside the bank talking softly) Are you sure that you wanna go through with this Vic?

VIC
Absolutely. Remember that we really need this money.

DAVE
Yeah I know, but what about you Mia? Are you alright?

MIA
Lets just do this and get outta here. You all better not screw this up.

VIC
Okay, you all know the plan. Just stick to it and we all will be richer than we’ve ever dreamed of. Now Mia, when I give you the sign you run out that exit with the money and we’ll meet you in one hour. Okay?



MIA
Alright, but what about you guys?


VIC
We’ll be fine. Once you leave, Dave and I will hold the place off so you can make a getaway. And nobody from the bank is going to be coming after us, since we have guns. It’s just the cops that I’m worried about but they shouldn’t be a problem. We can handle them. Okay, lets go. Good luck.

VIC
(yelling to all)
Everybody be cool this is a robbery!

DAVE
Any one of you pricks move and I’ll execute every one of you!

VIC
You! Open the lock to the vault and give me the damn money! Hurry up or I swear I’ll blow your head off!

DAVE
None of you move or your dead!

VIC
You better hurry up unless you wanna get shot!

(pauses, no audio)
VIC
Now Hurry!


DAVE
Hey, this is taking too long.

VIC
Just be cool. Make sure nobody tries to pull something on us.

DAVE
Alright everyone down on the ground now and spread your arms apart!

VIC
Okay now give me the money!

(pauses)

Shot of Mia running fast paced out of the exit of the bank carrying a bag of money. She then dashes into a car and leaves the parking lot.

Shot in front of the bank.

VIC
Okay, let’s go.

DAVE
Alright.



VIC
Now I swear, any one of you try and come after us I’ll blow your damn head right off!

VIC
Let’s roll.


Shot in front of the bank, then Vic and Dave come running out the entrance.

VIC
Oh shit!

As our characters are running to their car to make their getaway, we see that their car is blocked off, another car is parked in front of them so they can’t get out. They then take off running on to the street, planning to stop the first car they see. The shot fades out.


4 INT- DAY


Vic and Dave have been running for a while. It appears Dave has been shot, but not fatal. They then stop running and take a rest. Both are breathing and panting hard.

VIC
Okay, lets stop for a minute. I think we lost them.

DAVE
I can’t believe that cop shot me.

VIC
Are you alright?

DAVE
Yeah, I think so. Dammit, this hurts though.



A shot of a car coming towards them on the road. Vic walks out right in front of it and points his gun up in the air and fires.

VIC
(Shouts while pointing his gun at the driver) Get the hell outta the car now!

DAVE
Easy Vic!

Vic walks to the car door and opens it, then grabs the man to throw him out of the car, but the man reaches in the glove compartment for a gun. But before he gets his gun to shoot Vic, Vic shoots him in the chest which kills him. He then throws his body out of the way, then Vic and Dave get in the car and take off. As their driving the shot fades out.

5 INT- Day

Next scene shows Detective Jack making a phone call

REDNECK
Hello?

DETECTIVE JACK
Hi, this is Detective Jack and I wanted to let you know that there has been a bank robbery a little while ago, and I’ve been informed that the robbers are headed your way.

REDNECK
Wow, a bank robbery?

DETECTIVE JACK
Yes, I also wanted to ask if your armed, because these guys are dangerous and they have already killed someone.

REDNECK
I’m armed alright.



DETECTIVE JACK
Well good, I’m headed out to get these guys, so be on the lookout and you should probably prepare yourself.

Next shot shows Jack getting in his car and taking off.

6- INT DAY

Next shot shows Vic and Dave driving in the country. After making several turns in the woods, they then see the old cabin that they’re supposed to meet Mia at. As their driving towards it, we see Mia come out of the cabin. The shot zooms in and Mia is waving her arms signaling she is there. Once they get there, they park the car and Vic and Dave get out.

MIA
Where the heck have you guys been? It’s about time you got here! I almost thought that you all were a no-show.

VIC
We had some run ins with the cops. Dave’s been shot…but he’s alright though.

DAVE
Then we stole a vehicle. And Vic shot a man.

MIA
You shot someone? Did you kill him?

VIV
I think so.

MIA
You think so? Well, is he dead?

DAVE
He’s dead.

VIC
So what about you? Why couldn’t you meet us at the diner. We agreed to only meet here if there was no other way.


MIA
Well the cops followed me to the diner and so I had to lose them. I barely was able to get away from them. But nobody knows we’re here right now. So where safe for now.

VIC
Alright, what’s done is done. So do you have the money?

MIA
Of course.

VIC
So where is it?

MIA
It’s in the car.

VIC
Well, will you go get it?

MIA
Alright.

Shot fades out. Next shot shows Jack driving out in the country and is getting closer to their hideout.

Next shot shows Mia getting the bags of money and brings them back in the cabin.

MIA
Well here it is.

She sets the bags of money on the ground.

Next shot shows Jack parking his car from a distance of their hideout and opens his trunk to his car, getting out two pistols and a shotgun, then closes the trunk.

Shot goes back to Vic, Dave, and Mia.

DAVE
So is this all of it?

MIA
Yes.

VIC
Alright! Now we’re gonna be able to do things that we’ve never dreamed of. We’re so rich now!

DAVE
Well, lets count all the money and split it three ways.

MIA
There’s still one thing left to do.


VIC
What are you talking about?


Then Mia takes out a piece of paper and unfolds it and throws it on the ground. The shot zooms in on the paper. It is a hit list with a lot of peoples names on it, with Vic and Dave being on the very top of the list. Then Mia points her gun at Vic and Dave.

DAVE
Alright Mia…what are you doing?

MIA
I’m sorry, but the two of you are about to die?

VIC
What are you talking about? Now put the gun down and stop joking around.

MIA
I’m not, I’ve been hired to kill you all. I’m gonna get paid a ton for this. Now who wants to go first?

DAVE
You see, I haven’t been completely honest either.

Then Dave takes out a piece of paper and throws it on the ground, it is the same hit list as Mia’s only with Vic and Mia’s names on top of it. Then Dave points his gun at Mia.

MIA
Well it appears that we were both hired by the same man.


DAVE
So who’s going to die now?


VIC
I can’t believe this, you all are actually going to kill us all for more money…would you all just listen to yourselves for a minute. This is crazy. Were family, we can’t kill each other. Were already going to be rich from the money we stole. Now put your guns down and lets just forget this happened.

MIA
Sorry brother, but I always carry out my duties.

Then Mia shoots at Dave and just barely misses. The two then engage in a big gunfight unloading their ammo at one another, while both are being covered with protection. Mia then storms out of the cabin, then gets shot by Detective Jack, killing her. Then Vic and Dave come charging at Jack, and he shoots Dave with his shotgun. Vic kicks Jack’s gun out of his hand, they then engage in a brutal fist fight. After fighting a little while they are both exhausted. Then Jack throws Vic to the ground, then put his arm around him and starts choking him. Vic is about to die, then he reaches for a knife in his pocket and stabs Jack in the arm. Jack then takes the knife out and is about to kill Vic with it, then suddenly he gets blow away by gunfire.



The camera pans over to Dave lying in the ground holding a pistol. It appears that he killed Jack, and that he didn’t die after all. He shot Dave, but wasn’t fatal. He then gets up and walks over to Vic and helps him up.

VIC
Are you alright?

DAVE
Yeah, just grazed me. Lucky he didn’t kill me though. I can’t believe Mia’s dead.

VIC
Jack was going to kill me, you and Mia were going to kill me, so why did you save me?

DAVE
Right before Mia shot at me, I thought about what you said, this is wrong for us to be killing each other, even if it is for a lot of money, were family. I guess Mia didn’t see that though.

VIC
Well thanks Dave. But I must say, I always see the job through.


Dave
What?


Then Vic whips out his pistol and shoots Dave in the chest three times. He then takes a piece a paper and throws it on his body. It is a hit list with Mia and Dave’s names on the top of it. Vic then goes back in the cabin and gets the bags of money as he is coming out he starts walking to his car. He then trips and all the money comes spilling out the bag. He reaches down to pick it up and then sees that its all fake counterfeit money.

VIC
What the?

Then suddenly, Vic gets shot and falls to the ground and dies. He was shot by the redneck ,that Jack had spoken to, with his rifle. Then the shot fades out. The End.



















   





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Offline writerfox

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2006, 03:05:35 AM »
Pretty darn good yarn you are weaving here.  Of course, I am biased in these matters.  I just can't say no to a good crime story.  Do not take this in an accusatory manner, but this reminds me of a combo Reservior Dogs/Natural Born Killers, I think mostly NBK because of the crooked detective.  Some suggestions might be to make your explanatory material more concise and not so...I don't know, telling rather than showing.  A good example would be the end details:  Vic was shot by the redneck that Jack was talking to.  The way it is detailed does not seem to convey that you are entirely sure that this is the direction you want it to take.  Sorry if I am too harsh, just trying to be helpful.  We are all guilty of the same thing from time to time when we first put the idea to paper/screen.  Maybe just re-read it, see what you think could get the same directions across in a way that is more easily understood by the reader.  As my theatre teacher told us when we were writing our student plays, often times the stage directions are made up by the director, so since this is where the potential problem lies, maybe transform the stage direction into a line uttered by the hick.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2006, 03:12:36 AM by writerfox »

Offline jermy565

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2006, 03:14:41 AM »
I do like this! It has promise, but I think it is a good "rough draft" for now. I think the dialogue needs to be more convincing (I know that's vague, but I believe that when you get into your characters cognitive, emotional and physical motivations, you will find out what I mean). In that regard, I want to see more character development, unique character development. I know you can do this because I know your taste in movies, and I know you can tell good characters when you see them.

Keep up the good work! Remember, a good story requires a lot of editing, especially when your finding your writing voice!
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Offline eric

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2006, 03:25:33 PM »
I don't like this a bit.  It's trite, unexplained (nothing, for just one example, about how Jack is corrupt, and nothing about the mysterious fourth party that gets them all to shoot each other), unmotivated (no reasons for most things appear), and incredible (what good is throwing a paper to the ground; why do papers always land front side up; etc.).  Combined with the less than trade-current English, it was quite a struggle to get through.

Nevertheless, some people found your work worth cheering so I suggest you revise in the ways they mention.  While you're at that, if you could take note of the things I grumble about as well your work will be stronger in the long run.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2006, 08:04:59 PM by eric »

Offline jermy565

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2006, 03:01:00 AM »
I don't like this a bit.  It's trite, unexplained (nothing, for just one example, about how Jack is corrupt, and nothing about the mysterious fourth party that gets them all to shoot each other), unmotivated (no reasons for most things appear), and incredible (what good is throwing a paper to the ground; why do papers always land front side up; etc.).  Combined with the less than trade-current English, it was quite a struggle to get through.

I'm sorry Eric, but I don't think you reviewed this script at all. You just critiqued the hell out of it. I wanna see Zod, who it appears is a newbie with only 1 post, get better as a writer, which is probably why he came here. Telling him that there is nothing good about his script is probably not going to make him want to come back to this site.

If you have to be at least a decent writer to get helpful, constructive feedback on this site, then I don't belong here myself and should probably go somewhere else.
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Offline CarrieSheppard

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2006, 05:02:38 AM »
Hi folks.

Eric, if you can offer your constructive ciritcism in a more positive light, I'm sure it will be more helpful.  As Jeremy says - the idea of this site is to support and grow eachother as writers. 

The skill is in offering criticism - where its due - in a positive and encouraging light so that writers can improve.

I'm not saying tread on eggshells, but be more aware of the fact that the writers on this site are extremely diverse - from 10 year old poets to 79 year old seasoned amateurs, along with a very healthy dose of professionals at all ages and stages.

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2006, 09:23:14 AM »
Interesting story Zod. I'd agree with Jeremy about the dialogue needing more work - it always does though in a screenplay to get it right.

Try and record yourself reading it aloud, then listen back - you'll find the clunky bits in no time. The dialogue conveys the story so you need to get this spot on.

You are putting in some stuff that can't be shown. Like what the guys are thinking as they run to the street. If you need to show their thought processes, put it as dialogue.

Eric is right about the thrown paper, if it was on the floor they'd probably not be able to read it. Perhaps hold the list up beside their guns to show the others. I'd rethink that scene though because it isn't going to work without a real twist of the imagination. Just tell each other they've been hired to do the hit.

I have a bit of a problem with the twisting morality as well. It's OK to shoot each other, then it's not, it doesn't convince me I'm afraid. Realising two of them have been hired by the same guy would surely stop them in their tracks a little. Also they have money - they're not so hungry for it. So that bit is a little unconvincing. Perhaps there is some other conflict between them you could bring out? Dave ruined Mia's fave dolly or something ;D You get what I mean though?

There are a couple of grammatical errors, you should find them on rewrite though. I think you need to focus on making the story believable - which means understanding (and showing) the dynamics between the siblings more clearly. If you think of pulp fiction - it was the interactions, the dynamics between the characters that drove it - this needs to build up those dynamics before getting to the blood and gore or it is just confusing.

Hope this helps.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2006, 09:25:20 AM by PaulW »

Offline eric

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2006, 11:08:48 AM »
Hi Carrie

I'll work on that.  I was just being honest in what I said, but I'll try to use more diplomatic language next time. 
« Last Edit: December 24, 2006, 11:11:51 AM by eric »

Offline eric

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2006, 12:50:08 PM »
Hello jermy

About the difference between review and critique in this site, effectively there is none.  "This is first and foremost a CRITIQUE site.  We post, we invite critisism.  And what should we wish for more than that?  If we ignore what's said, and just keep going on our merry way, then we might as well not be here at all." --So said Bubbles, in the current poetry thread on "Without a mother."

You also may note that my critique did explain itself as it went along and contained a proto-review in the last phrase. 

Having said all that, my critique of zod's work was stated bluntly and not diplomatically, and I told Carrie I would work more on the latter in the future.  This does not detract from the fact that my review was accurate.

Do not confuse constructive criticism with positive criticism.  What is helpful in the long run may be that which is most honest.  I am in agreement with Carrie that diplomacy is called for.  Paul is good at that.  I tend to be more blunt.  I will be grinding off the sharp edges to some extent.  But do not expect me to falsify my reactions.

It's great to post whatever writing you have and hear other posters exclaim how good you are and etc.  If the purpose of this website is to help other writers improve their potential, though, it is sometimes necessary to call a spade a spade.  Granted the need for diplomacy in doing so, that will be more helpful than empty praise.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2006, 12:58:28 PM by eric »

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #9 on: December 24, 2006, 01:38:43 PM »
When I first started sharing my writing with others I had a rather 'thin skin' when it came to my work and tended to take critiques personally rather than about my words. 

Thankfully I was lucky enough to hook up with a great writing partner early on who educated me on the value of a good critique.  Almost always his critiques were spot on.  Sure, at times I had to let they rest a few days after the first read in order to allow my wounds to heal, but eventually I grew a tougher hide.  This was made easier due to his professional approach to writing as well as critiquing.

Thinking back on that period and how much his approach helped, I went looking for similar guidelines that might be helpful to others.

This is probably not the right place to post the link, so I've posted in under Symphony's Critiquing for the Shy.
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Offline jermy565

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #10 on: December 25, 2006, 02:00:01 AM »
Hey Eric, didn't mean to flame ya! I appreciate your honesty. In fact, if you ever get the chance to read some of my work, feel free to say what you need. I am glad that you pointed out what you thought was wrong very clearly, but I don't see how it helps to tell someone they fell down a well if you're not going to offer them a rope. That being said, I really like this site, if this were any other message board, I would have been called various obscenities and would be vindictivaly attacked just because I said something. I'm glad everything is worked out.  ;)
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Offline eric

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2006, 01:17:53 PM »
Hi Jermy, I'm also glad that things worked out and I'll look at your work and let you know what I think when I get the chance.  My original criticism here sounded harsh, so I've added a second, more constructive paragraph to it. 

Offline zod

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #12 on: January 11, 2007, 07:32:39 PM »
After you read this and you care to see an improved draft, I have now posted my second draft to this. If you could comment on it in ways to help that would be much appreciated. Thanks!
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Offline jermy565

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #13 on: January 15, 2007, 02:12:17 AM »
I think this is better, but I'm a little confused about the relationship between vic and dave.

DAVE
If everything is going to plan, than where is she? Where is Mia? Huh Vic? She should have been here by now. Why isn’t she here? Were through with! It’s over! We should bail, let’s just go right now.

VIC
She’s just running a little late, that’s expected. She’ll be here soon. Just give her some more time. Now sit tight and be patient.


Vic seems to have a somewhat dominant/protective feel about him, yet he is constantly comforting/coddling his little brother. I don't see anything wrong with this, but I want less schizophrenic distinctions in the characters. I think if you showed a drastic change in personality in Vic this would make him more real, such as: have him be ultra dominant/protective towards his brother, with a harsh comforting instead of the softer language he currently uses. There is some of this, but I think that once you figure out exactly how vic views dave then you'll know how to reinforce some stronger emotions in their dialogue. Likely you already know this, but you just need to reinorce it so we can see it. Also, I sense that we are being fed information in this first scene so that we can understand what's going on, not because it fits, almost perfunctory. I may be wrong, but I still feel like the plan is being recapped for the viewer, not because the conversation needs to happen between vic and dave.

The only other complaint I have for now (hee, hee, hee...) is Detective Jack.

DETECTIVE JACK
(While talking on the phone) Hi, how are you?………I’m fine. So what is the latest on our two bandits?………Okay……Okay………Well, I’ll be on my way shortly. I’m going to hunt these guys down and get the money back……Yeah, I know they’re dangerous, don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself, soon they will be the ones that are scared. I still can’t believe that they shot that lady. Well, I better go, and if anything should happen to me, I want you to kill these guys. Got it? Okay……bye.


I don't picture a corrupt detective asking how someone is, he seems a little chatty for a dark character. Then, he tells us what we already can assume, he's going to get the bad guys and get the money back. If they will be the ones that are scared, then someone must be scared now, who is that? It isn't Jack is it? Why can't he believe that they shot that lady, they robbed a bank.

Other than that, I haven't found anything else to nitpick about for now, you just wait! But I like this and I can't wait to see it develop more!

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Offline eric

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Re: Untitled crime/drama script - PLEASE READ
« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2007, 11:04:49 AM »
I read this through again but don't have anything to add to the reactions from the first run-through, except focus on realism and good writing.  Good luck.