Author Topic: "The Abyss" Please review it! It's about ww1 and is my first poem  (Read 322 times)

Offline JackDawes12

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In the trenches, teeming with death,
A place where countless take their final breath.
We, the petrified, await our turn
While mother's mourn.
The earth, thrown violently,
Boys fell silently
All perish
In ways considered hellish,
Now we lay below the ground,
Our lives marked by a mound.

Offline mikosanaya

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Re: "The Abyss" Please review it! It's about ww1 and is my first poem
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2018, 01:29:56 PM »
I know I'm late to the party on this, but I love the poem, it is very good.  My only advice would be to have a more dramatic end to leave more of an impact and an impression to the reader.  Don't be afraid to go a little out of the box on this too.

In the trenches, teeming with death,
A place where countless take their final breath.
We, the petrified, await our turn
While mother's mourn.
The earth, thrown violently,
Boys fell silently
All perish
In ways considered hellish,
Now we lay below the ground,
Our lives marked by a mound
An inevitable end from a treacherous crown.

or something like that :) It helps to read your poem out loud too, so that you get a feel of the flow and to decide whether or not it needs any improvement.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2018, 01:36:03 PM by mikosanaya »

Offline geethr75

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Re: "The Abyss" Please review it! It's about ww1 and is my first poem
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2018, 06:29:33 AM »
I loved it, but it felt incomplete somehow. Like a song stopping in the middle. Please look into it. All the best.