Author Topic: A short piece I wrote a few weeks ago. 500 words or so .  (Read 583 times)

Offline Shurett

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A short piece I wrote a few weeks ago. 500 words or so .
« on: July 07, 2018, 07:57:45 AM »
Itís an odd time we have sauntered into over the last decade. We came with high hopes and chests held high, we sauntered in. The first few years, we were still proud. As of late, it seems our chins are on our chest and we are no longer proud.

We live in a world where presidential candidates comment on the size of hands and penises instead of keeping promises to fix what is so evidently wrecked to anyone with half a brain.

Men and women are so broken in fact, even when they have everything, they choose to check out with drugs, or a scarf, or a hunting rifle or a .45 through the ear and into the ceiling where an 20-year-old and his mom have to see.

Children are so broken from bullying and lack of true guidance and protection, they walk into school and murder their classmates and teachers. Our kids are afraid to go to school and so are our teachers, rightfully so.

Iím sorry for Anthony Bourdain and his family. I read his book to my wife the first night we held hands. She ate ice cream sandwiches and I read excerpts from Kitchen Confidential.

Iím sorry for Kate Spade and her family she was evidently lost in her mind and couldnít find a way out. Iím sad for her. I wish she could have found her way out.

Iím sorry for anyone who has ever walked in to find a loved one dead, you didnít deserve that, but it wasnít your fault. I know with certainty the image you have in your mind will never leave. It is a burden you will bear forever. Iím sorry.

Iím thankful for friends that share good news and talk about solutions, your words will help someone Iím sure.

Iím thankful for family who I know would force my hand into help if I were lost in the dark. That is the greatest of gifts.

Iím on a back road in East Tennessee, the world is so beautiful here. I just crossed a creek and a kid was splashing below, I passed a field full of round bales. On the top of the bale in the very center of that field sat a hawk, he thought he was alone.

He wasnít.

Offline Griff

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Re: A short piece I wrote a few weeks ago. 500 words or so .
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2018, 02:41:58 PM »
I love the last line, it's a very nice way to say "you are not alone", as you probably intended it to be. Only nitpick that I feel I have the ability to comment on, on the first two lines you use the word saunter twice, it kinda drew me out of it. I'd replace the second saunter with a different verb.

Offline Tytanica

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Re: A short piece I wrote a few weeks ago. 500 words or so .
« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2018, 07:09:26 PM »
I don't really know how to comment, because I don't really know the intention of this piece. It seems like just random thoughts on suicide and the state of society. It just seems like your opinions on some sad situations. So, ok, you have opinions. I don't see this work any great "truth" that would be worth publishing. But, it seems like a nice diary entry.

Offline geethr75

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Re: A short piece I wrote a few weeks ago. 500 words or so .
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2018, 06:08:43 AM »
It's a very well written piece and thought provoking as well. I like it that it ends in a hopeful note. The beginning didn't attract me to be honest, but by the time I reached the second paragraph, I was hooked. Excellent job.

Offline Thair

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Re: A short piece I wrote a few weeks ago. 500 words or so .
« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2018, 10:01:34 AM »
I was stuck on the first few sentences. I didnít understand where you were going. Then as I read on it seems that these are random thoughts. It felt prayer-like. Since Iím not sure what you plan to do with your writing, Iíd suggest incorporating it in a larger piece as inner dialogue.