Author Topic: Real Estate (Draft))  (Read 859 times)

Offline JKK

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  • Hello! Iím a 17-year old unexperienced writer haha
Real Estate (Draft))
« on: May 17, 2018, 08:09:18 PM »
I stand in place,
but my insides are shaking.
In a cul de sac of souls
will you choose me?

Cool air weaves between the rafters.
A sigh.
I welcome you, a mat
with the word printed clearly
but you hesitate.
I stand in place.

To touch I am cold, icy fingers
outstretched but inside
I am warm.
A hungry flame dances
within the hearth.
Reach too far and youíll be

From the gutter a sapling sprouts,
budding into a familiar ache
snatched away once before
by my own hand.
Now a garden grows,
nourish it or let it fade.

I stand in place.
You grip the doorknob,
donít let go.
I hold my breath.
It turns
and I pull you in.
« Last Edit: October 14, 2018, 10:11:47 AM by Mark T »
JKK :)

Offline dlp

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  • Posts: 124
Re: Real Estate (DRAFT)
« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2018, 10:09:23 PM »
now when I say this, you need to do as I say, not as I do.  You need to take your "I" poem and make it into one that all can enter into.  When you write from such a personal perspective it's hard for the reader to break in. Also poetry is a condensed form of language. (again do as I say).  with that in mine lets take a look at the first stanza.

Standing  in place,
insides  shaking.
In a cul de sac of souls
who will you choose?

these are just my thoughts and they arn't worth much.