Author Topic: Change  (Read 120 times)

Offline Louis D. Thorpe

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    • Sigmund Freud versus Carl Jung
Change
« on: June 28, 2018, 08:23:12 AM »
Me fool

We fool ourselves thinking we have the power to change the seconds in the hour-we change nothing.

We fool ourselves thinking we have discovered what other people cannot know.

We fool ourselves thinking we are different.

We fool ourselves thinking we are special.

We fool ourselves dreaming.

We fool ourselves thinking.

We fool ourselves.

Offline KungFuCacti

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Re: Change
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2018, 10:24:00 AM »
I think the repetition is all right, but I don't think the poem is all that effective. It's kind of forgettable. Not that it's bad, but just that it reminds me of other things that talk about this topic a little bit more effectively. The only real stand-out thing about your poem is the repeating of "we fool." And like I said, it's all right, but I think your poem would benefit from some stronger images. Even if they are not literal images. Maybe just a more unique way to describe the emotion you are trying to convey.

When I read it, I was reminded of the verses to "All You Need is Love."

There's nothing you can do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy

Nothing you can make that can't be made
No one you can save that can't be saved
Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy

There's nothing you can know that isn't known
Nothing you can see that isn't shown
There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be
It's easy

It has that same idea that we are not as big or as important as we often perceive ourselves to be. I'm not sure though how your poem feels about this idea. In "All You Need is Love," the concept of not being important is looked at as a good thing. It is something that can be freeing if you let it. I think that adds so much to it, and all it took was the line, "It's easy" at the end of each stanza. Maybe having something that conveyed an emotion tied to the idea confronted in your poem would make it stronger.

Offline Mark T

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Re: Change
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2018, 06:39:41 AM »

I tend to agree with KFC (sorry) above. As a philosophy it depends on the state of mind - one could argue that being able to fool oneself is a positive thing. As poetry it seems more to serve the writer than to function as audience poetry - not that there's much of an audience around here anymore. Two comments - must be a record for 2018... 

Offline dlp

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Re: Change
« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2018, 10:20:31 PM »
i think your application to volunteer at the suicide prevention call center will be denied. 

Offline Mark T

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Re: Change
« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2018, 04:29:43 PM »
i think your application to volunteer at the suicide prevention call center will be denied.

 ;D