Author Topic: great grandson in the garden  (Read 999 times)

Offline DTF

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great grandson in the garden
« on: March 19, 2018, 09:06:40 PM »
We go to the garden to fight a army of bugs

we catch them all, even slimy slugs

We look real close on every stalk

Then I hear Papa holler and cuss

shaking his hand, while making a fuss

the jacket got him good on his hand

he spits tobacco and rubs it in.

We go back to hoeing, picking off bugs

we even pour salt on all the slugs,

we pick off caterpillars of every sort

some are long, and some are short

we spray all the leaves with some kind of juice

it gets the ones you can't shake loose

We work till dark and while we walk back

up in the trees where the goblins roost

they are starting to talk, and get all loose

all the way back I hear them squawk

up in the trees talking goblin talk

we get back home take off our shoes

Papa said we stepped in some goblin goo

Offline Jia Ming

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Re: great grandson in the garden
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2018, 03:33:13 PM »
*an army (mistakes like this in a poem is unacceptable especially in such short ones)

The incorporation of superficial imagery mimicking nursery rhymes calls for a lengthier composition (put depth within structure or story if it's not condensed). There isn't really much to pick up from your poem, "some are long, and some are short" may appeal to toddlers but not much else (every line matters, and not solely for sonic reasons, unless directed to specifically those age-groups). Also, some of the rhymes feels kinda forced, not tragic, but not the best it can be. A looser scheme would do it good.

Note, have consistency in your punctuation and capitalisation. The only call for such breakings is for a clear literary purpose, of which I see none of in yours.

Aside from these, not too bad. I can see attempts of thematically blending concrete imagery with tone for a simulation of innocent experiences.

Offline ssilvs

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Re: great grandson in the garden
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2018, 01:36:14 AM »
This would certainly make for a good children’s rhyme or stoy, but likely wouldn’t cut it for anything else. The rhymes feel a little forced at some points; a different structure would make the poem better. Maybe try lengthening it and seeing how ot transforms?