Author Topic: What do you think about the biblical references I tried to use?  (Read 266 times)

Offline lzzyRevolingself

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
    • View Profile
I wrote this in 5 mins max and I can say that Iíve been affected by it. I do not
even know the reason. Please review my poem. Your comments are valued by me. Thanks in advance.

óóóóó
                    Cracking Cracked Cracker
looked for its solution got no gain
little cracker cracked in its way
standing uptight surrounded by the villain
cried not because itís gay
turned left without knowing the route
sure knew it didnít care anymore
lord showed the door to home
yet it doesnít feel welcome
angels and angles are done
for cracker to become
merrier and safer than ever
as little cracker had constantly run

Offline justityga

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
    • View Profile
Re: What do you think about the biblical references I tried to use?
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2018, 02:18:21 AM »
I have to say it's an interesting take on the concept. I don't know if you are submitting it as a free form flow of thought, if so i say nothing needs to be changed. If as a traditional poetry then I'd say look into giving it more structure and filing for the reader to better understand and relate.

Offline heidi52

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 13
    • View Profile
Re: What do you think about the biblical references I tried to use?
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2018, 08:23:18 AM »
To answer your question, I didn't think much of your "biblical references". Are you considering "angels and angels" and "lord" to be biblical???

You wrote this in under 5 minutes and it shows.

Next time, spending a few more minutes to edit and improve your writing might be a good idea.

Posting a poem in the Review my Poetry thread would be another good idea.

Offline lzzyRevolingself

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
    • View Profile
Re: What do you think about the biblical references I tried to use?
« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2018, 04:30:07 AM »
To answer your question, I didn't think much of your "biblical references". Are you considering "angels and angels" and "lord" to be biblical???

You wrote this in under 5 minutes and it shows.

Next time, spending a few more minutes to edit and improve your writing might be a good idea.

Posting a poem in the Review my Poetry thread would be another good idea.

I think itís the most horrible feedback I have ever been given. Of course only  angel and angle or lord canít be my biblical reference. Iím not that dumb. I used left becauss both christians jews and  muslims think itís way of devil. Itís about oneís failure in choices due to evil. There are thousands of poets who wrote their poems in short period of time  without education but now we see them as leaders. So your reply was nothing but rude.

Offline lzzyRevolingself

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
    • View Profile
Re: What do you think about the biblical references I tried to use?
« Reply #4 on: June 21, 2018, 04:34:07 AM »
I have to say it's an interesting take on the concept. I don't know if you are submitting it as a free form flow of thought, if so i say nothing needs to be changed. If as a traditional poetry then I'd say look into giving it more structure and filing for the reader to better understand and relate.

Thank you! I wanted form to be free as well since my theme is looking for freedom :)) Actually I find this kind of poems way more mysterious thatís why I used it.

Offline heidi52

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 13
    • View Profile
Re: What do you think about the biblical references I tried to use?
« Reply #5 on: June 21, 2018, 08:12:30 AM »
I'm sorry you didn't like my feedback. You asked what I thought and I told you. Perhaps in the future think about prefacing your work with a caveat that you only want positive feedback, not critique.

Also I think you will have a better time with this if you post your poems in the poetry section.