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Entry A
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Total Members Voted: 11

Voting closed: December 21, 2006, 10:31:34 AM

Author Topic: Elf Challenge - And the Winner is ...  (Read 2069 times)

Offline Symphony

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Elf Challenge - And the Winner is ...
« on: December 13, 2006, 10:31:34 AM »

From: Chief Elf
To: Father Christmas
c/o North Pole.
24th December 2006

Dear Santa, This is my very sad tale
I canít come back to work today Ďcos Iím ill
The junior elves are driving me nuts
While the reindeers make me sick with their bl**dy strong farts
I know I signed on for an eternity here
but really, mulled wine?! Whereís the s*dding beer?
And that Ďnaughty and niceí song caused me to go deaf
I hate it so much I filled my ears up with soap
It snows every day and my toes always freeze
Iíve got a cold in the head and itís making me sneeze
My Union tells me I cannot complain:
ďThe kiddies wonít be happy if thereís no wooden trainĒ
But why are we making old toys like these?
When every bl**dy kid is asking us for PCs
So here is my letter. I officially quit!
Iím going off to Disney, where the work isn't s**t!



to: Santa
from: Chief Elf

You should never have put Christmas online. 

The Lapland computer is terminal.  The micro has gone soft; I can no longer spread my sheets properly; the hard drive has turned floppy; Iíve lost the power to point; all access is denied and on top of that my photo is shopped to pieces.

I canít excel any longer Santa!
Donít bother telling me to re-boot because I did and they arenít fur-lined.  I tried extra bytes like you told me but now my elf-belt wonít do up.  I refuse to wrap the gif that hangs on your jpeg and Iím not interested in a trip to Java, thank you very much.  BTW spam at Christmas is completely unacceptable.  You never pay enough cache and your cough-drops were useless against the hacker. 

I refuse to be caught up in your www.  I quit (while Iíve still got thumbnails to call my own).


The producers are lying to you!  For the good of the workshop, they must be stopped!  The filming of Celebrity Elf Challenge is ruining production and crushing our Christmas joy.

Former Spice Girl or not, if one is afraid of heights, one must not participate in the Reindeer Games.  Blitzen remains in critical condition.  Scary, indeed.

Courtney Love must be held accountable for the recent day of lost work.  Defeating Erik Estrada in the Nog Chug was only the beginning.  We had to boil the tools!

Miss Hilton's behavior has not improved.  The short stature of your elven workers and her attitude regarding undergarments are in direct conflict.

As to the most recent incident, I humbly offer my resignation.  Mr Depp will recover.  But his provocation was outrageous!  Do not worry, my cousin has arranged a position at the Keebler tree.  But he has learned, I am nobody's Oompa Loompa!


Dear St. Nicolas,

Thatís it!  Enough already ! Wrap, wrap, wrap!  Iím up to here with it.  Itís OK for you, Santa Claus,  to swan around the starry skies with your reindeer and a sledge full of pressies on one day of the year, drinking all that sherry and eating a ton of mince pies.   Itís quite another to spend all year  wrapping 14 billion parcels. 

January 1st right.  I mean, hands up who isnít sick of Christmas by the time the New Year comes?   No-one, exactly.  But what are we elves doing?  Are we off to the Caribbean for a fortnight?  Do we even get a ski-holiday?  No.  Weíre trailing round the Cash and Carry looking for cheap wrapping paper for next year in the blooming sales.   

Boring.  Thatís what. Well Iíve had a better offer Ė Iíve got a part in a movie   Iím off to Hollywood.  Put that in your ho-ho-ho!

Chief Elf Starbucks


                                                         1 Christingle towers,
                                                          Rudolf street,

Dear Mr Claus,
                         Iím writing to you to hand in my notice, effective immediately. I have worked tirelessly for you for more years than I care to remember, and what do I get for it? Frozen feet and fingers.
Well yes, I do get the whole summer off, but what good is that? Thereís no one here to talk to, and you sleep all summer. Even the reindeer migrate over to the next valley, apart from that freaky one with the red nose. Heís too good to live outside, he demands his own stable; which I have to clean out. Yuck
   Maybe I would have put up with all this if they had put me on a Christmas card, but they never do; itís always you and that smelly reindeer.
  Iíve been offered a job with the Easter bunny, the pays better and I get luncheon vouchers.
                         Merry Christmas,
« Last Edit: December 28, 2006, 05:38:16 PM by Symphony »

Offline Symphony

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Re: Elf Challenge - And the Winner is ...
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2006, 05:41:03 PM »
As you can see, we have a clear winner - now WHERE ARE YOU? Come on! Come out and show yourself, pat yourself on the back, jump up and down with joy and sing your own praises!! See, you can't be shy here - we need you to shout IT'S ME, IT'S ME, IT'S ME!!!!!!!!!

Still waiting ...

*drums fingers on table ...*

*gone for coffee ...*

p.s. Thanks EVERYBODY for entering. Lots of fun.

Offline *Lorraine*

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Re: Elf Challenge - And the Winner is ...
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2006, 06:51:32 AM »
Sorry Symphony, busy time of year and family members have been 'hogging' the computer.

IT'S ME! IT'S ME! IT'S ME!!!   :D

Feeling well chuffed to have won your fun challenge.  Thanks to everyone who voted and well done to the other entries which were all very good indeed.

Thanks also to you Symphony for organising a great challenge.  Got another one up your sleeve?

BTW My grumpy old elf is seeing in the New Year in a shushi bar in downtown Tokyo!

All the best, Lorraine
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Re: Elf Challenge - And the Winner is ...
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2006, 07:15:01 AM »
Congrats Lorraine. Mine was No.1, but I voted for yours :)

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Elf Challenge - And the Winner is ...
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2006, 09:02:32 AM »
Congratulations Lorraine.

They were all fun to read.  What a bunch of great imaginations we have around here. ;D
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