ENTRY A
From: Chief Elf
To: Father Christmas
c/o North Pole.
24th December 2006
Dear Santa, This is my very sad tale
I can’t come back to work today ‘cos I’m ill
The junior elves are driving me nuts
While the reindeers make me sick with their bl**dy strong farts
I know I signed on for an eternity here
but really, mulled wine?! Where’s the s*dding beer?
And that ‘naughty and nice’ song caused me to go deaf
I hate it so much I filled my ears up with soap
It snows every day and my toes always freeze
I’ve got a cold in the head and it’s making me sneeze
My Union tells me I cannot complain:
“The kiddies won’t be happy if there’s no wooden train”
But why are we making old toys like these?
When every bl**dy kid is asking us for PCs
So here is my letter. I officially quit!
I’m going off to Disney, where the work isn't s**t!
ENTRY B
EMAIL
to: Santa
from: Chief Elf
You should never have put Christmas online.
The Lapland computer is terminal. The micro has gone soft; I can no longer spread my sheets properly; the hard drive has turned floppy; I’ve lost the power to point; all access is denied and on top of that my photo is shopped to pieces.
I can’t excel any longer Santa!
Don’t bother telling me to re-boot because I did and they aren’t fur-lined. I tried extra bytes like you told me but now my elf-belt won’t do up. I refuse to wrap the gif that hangs on your jpeg and I’m not interested in a trip to Java, thank you very much. BTW spam at Christmas is completely unacceptable. You never pay enough cache and your cough-drops were useless against the hacker.
I refuse to be caught up in your www. I quit (while I’ve still got thumbnails to call my own).
ENTRY C
The producers are lying to you! For the good of the workshop, they must be stopped! The filming of Celebrity Elf Challenge is ruining production and crushing our Christmas joy.
Former Spice Girl or not, if one is afraid of heights, one must not participate in the Reindeer Games. Blitzen remains in critical condition. Scary, indeed.
Courtney Love must be held accountable for the recent day of lost work. Defeating Erik Estrada in the Nog Chug was only the beginning. We had to boil the tools!
Miss Hilton's behavior has not improved. The short stature of your elven workers and her attitude regarding undergarments are in direct conflict.
As to the most recent incident, I humbly offer my resignation. Mr Depp will recover. But his provocation was outrageous! Do not worry, my cousin has arranged a position at the Keebler tree. But he has learned, I am nobody's Oompa Loompa!
ENTRY D
Dear St. Nicolas,
That’s it! Enough already ! Wrap, wrap, wrap! I’m up to here with it. It’s OK for you, Santa Claus, to swan around the starry skies with your reindeer and a sledge full of pressies on one day of the year, drinking all that sherry and eating a ton of mince pies. It’s quite another to spend all year wrapping 14 billion parcels.
January 1st right. I mean, hands up who isn’t sick of Christmas by the time the New Year comes? No-one, exactly. But what are we elves doing? Are we off to the Caribbean for a fortnight? Do we even get a ski-holiday? No. We’re trailing round the Cash and Carry looking for cheap wrapping paper for next year in the blooming sales.
Boring. That’s what. Well I’ve had a better offer – I’ve got a part in a movie I’m off to Hollywood. Put that in your ho-ho-ho!
Chief Elf Starbucks
ENTRY E
1 Christingle towers,
Rudolf street,
Lapland
Dear Mr Claus,
I’m writing to you to hand in my notice, effective immediately. I have worked tirelessly for you for more years than I care to remember, and what do I get for it? Frozen feet and fingers.
Well yes, I do get the whole summer off, but what good is that? There’s no one here to talk to, and you sleep all summer. Even the reindeer migrate over to the next valley, apart from that freaky one with the red nose. He’s too good to live outside, he demands his own stable; which I have to clean out. Yuck
Maybe I would have put up with all this if they had put me on a Christmas card, but they never do; it’s always you and that smelly reindeer.
I’ve been offered a job with the Easter bunny, the pays better and I get luncheon vouchers.
Merry Christmas,
Elfinda
Poll
