Author Topic: Short story  (Read 332 times)

Offline Melarease Page

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
Short story
« on: May 07, 2018, 02:02:28 AM »
The Carpenter
There was once a carpenter who loved building things, not for himself . He built things for others, though he was never paid for his creations money was not something he wanted, it's not why he built things. The carpenter built things that no one else could. Everything he built, helped others in some way. He would go from town to town, building things others needed; not what they wanted. He built what they needed. One day, he comes into a town called Hollow Grounds, this man walked around talking to everyone in town. Just to, get to know them. Once he did, he started a new project. His project took six months, considering what the project was; no one thought it was possible to build something this big in only six months. Once he was finished, he put the project which turned out to be a mini mansion, up for sale. The mansion was so beautiful, and bright and inviting. It only took, seven days for someone to buy this mansion. The mansion had six rooms, all six were soundproof with no windows and one door. The mansion, seemed strange as it didn't have any other rooms. No kitchen, living room, dinning room or bathrooms. Walking into the house, the first owner instantly felt like she had to be there. She couldn't leave until she was finished. Finished with what? She didn't know. The first room she walked into was fear, the carpenter met her at the door. Right away tears begin streaming down her face, he asked her what are you afraid of? Let me take it. The woman, begin talking trying to speak through her tears, "I'm scared, I'm scared of everything, of success, people, my dreams and goals." He asked, "why?" She told him, "I'm afraid of the 'What if', what if no matter how hard I try, I won't...I can't succeed? What if, my dreams are pointless? What happens, when I do everything I can to reach them; and I don't? I am so afraid that failure, disappointment, and denial are the only real friends I have?" The man, the carpenter, looked at her with tears in his eyes and said, "You have been so afraid of success that you become a prisoner of your own fear. You have to let me take your fear, I have a plan for you; that doesn't involve fear of any kind. You can't start this plan, until you give me your fear." The woman, with tears in her eyes still streaming down her faced asked the man, "How? If I get rid of my fear, what do I have left?" The man gently took her hand, and said "Me, you will have me. You will always have me, I will never leave you. Not at your worst, not at your best. Never, you will always have me." The man still having tears in his eyes said to the woman with a shaky voice,  "I've been with you this whole time, that's why you have had the courage to keep going. Because I was with you, I'm the one who never let your tears hit the ground. That's how important you are to me, that's how much I love you. And that will never change." The woman could no longer hold back her tears, she fell to her knees and begin crying harder then she ever had before. The carpenter, got on his knees and held her until she could stop crying. This made her feel as though she wasn't good enough, she didn't deserve it. The man told her, that no matter what she did she would always be good enough for him. Once the woman gave her fear to the carpenter, she felt that she was finished. She was ready to leave. Three days later, a man bought the house. Like the woman, the man was greeted by the carpenter.  He was met at a door with the word Exhausted on it. Once the man stepped into the house, he felt as though he could not leave until he was finished. He walked in, the carpenter asked "Why are you tired? Your Exhausted, why?" "The man answered with a shaky voice and tears in his eyes. "I'm tired, of being tired. I'm tired of feeling​ like I'm not good enough for anything or anyone. I'm so tired of working my ass off and not getting anything in return. I don't want money, a reward. All I want is for someone to see me, to see all the work that I've been doing. I'm tired, I'm so tired of feeling like I'm alone, I've been fighting my battles by myself my entire life. And no one, not one person has tried to help me. Not one person has even took the time, to understand how much I carry everyday. I can't carry this anymore, I am exhausted from this life. As he began to talk, he struggles to speak through his tears. I have never had a day off, I have never not one time, had someone look at me, and realize how tired I am. No one has ever said to me, 'You look so tired let me help you. I have prayed, and prayed over and over to God to take this. It's like he doesn't hear me, he's not listening. I have asked God so many times, to this from me and give me rest. I feel like he won't, because I did something wrong. I feel like whatever I did, I'm being punished for now." The carpenter listened to the man, and once he was done the carpenter spoke to the man saying. "I have tried to take your load from you, but you have become so comfortable with the weight it has become something; you can't let go. All I want, is for you to give me your load. Give me your weight, this is not the life I wanted for you." As the carpenter begin to cry, he continued to speak through his tears. "You are so precious to me, this load is not something you have to carry. You don't have to carry this load, give it to me. In return, I will give you peace, rest. The love and acceptance you've been looking for. You want someone to see you, I see you. I have seen how many tears you have cried, I know how hard you have worked through those tears. I know your struggle, I know this pain, that has illaled you all these years. You don't have to carry it anymore, you need to trust me enough to give me your load. The entire load, I love you I would never give something you something couldn't handle. I love you too much for that, every load that you have carried. Every load your going to carry, is mine not yours. Give all of it to me, you will find your peace. I'll give you rest. You can trust me." The man now feeling guilty, for giving his load to this man who didn't even know him, made him sad. "I can't give this load, it's too heavy. I have carried this my entire life, I would never give my load...my weight to someone else. I could never be that cruel. It's too much, but I can carry it. You don't have to." The carpenter puts a sad smile on his face, he knew this man didn't want to give him this load. The man didn't want the carpenter to hurt like that, he didn't want the carpenter to be as tired as he was. The carpenter tells the man, "My load is heavier then yours, give me your weight I can carry it." The man trying to hard to speak through his tears asks the carpenter, "Why would you want to carry my load, and yours? Why would you do that to yourself? The carpenter tells the man,"Because your strength comes from me, that's why your still here. You weren't meant to carry so much, you cannot continue to walk with the weight of the world on your shoulders. I have helped you carry your load all this time, it's time to give it all to me." The man no longer able to hold back his tears. He tells the carpenter, "I'm so sorry, please don't take this on! Its too much. You'll break, I don't wanna break you. Please don't make me give you this." The carpenter, seeing how broken this man was walks over to him and holds him as he falls to his knees and cries so hard, he  could hardly breathe. As the carpenter holds the man, he whispers to him "Give it all to me, just give it all to me. Your burdens are no longer yours." After the carpenter helps the man up, the man is able to stop crying. He feels like he can leave now. He felt like he didn't have such a heavy load anymore. He felt he was finished. Three days later, another man buys the house. As he walks up to the door, he takes a deep breath and walks in.  He sees the carpenter, standing in front of a door; with the word Anger on it. The carpenter asks the man "Why are you so angry? Your angry with me, why?" The man starts crying, as he tells the carpenter; "You left me, I remember going to church as a child. I believed in you, I believed that you really did exist. I used to enjoy praying and praising you, now prayer and praising your name makes me feel...Empty. Just, empty. In your book, IN YOUR BOOK; IT SAYS 'I will never, leave you. I will always, hear your prayer, your call for help!' What the hell? I have been praying to you for years, YEARS. AND  YOU DID NOT AND WILL NOT ANSWER ME! NEVER, NOT ONE TIME IN ALL THOSE YEARS DID YOU ANSWER ME! I...I wanna know, why? What did I do wrong? You love everyone else, why don't you love me? Don't lie, and say you do. I lost my job, where were you? I became homeless, even after all the work I did, I still became homeless. AFTER PRAYING TO YOU, WAITING TO HEAR YOUR VOICE, I STILL...BECAME HOMELESS. The carpenter looked at the man, with tears his eyes trying to speak through his tears he tells the man, "I have never left your side, I have been with you this whole time. You are angry with me... because you heard everyone else's prayers. You saw the receive what they prayed for, you were so focused on everyone else!?! You couldn't see what I was doing for you! You can't focus on someone else's situation, and expect the same results for yours. That's not your situation, my blessings my plans for you; are for you and no one else. I tailored you blessings for you, the blessings the plans I have for you, cannot and will not benefit anyone else. I don't have a favourite child, I love you just the same as I love everyone else. Your anger has blinded you from seeing or feeling the love I have for you. I never wanted you to go through any of that, I'm so sorry you felt so alone. You were never alone. Tell me, why do you pray to me? You don't have to, it's not a sin when you don't pray. So, tell me why do you pray to me?" The man begin crying so hard, he could barely speak. He tells the carpenter, "Because, your the only one who can help me. There is no one on earth, that can make me feel the way you have made me feel. Truly accepted."

Offline DRP22

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 229
  • Bleep Blorp
Re: Short story
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2018, 02:29:03 PM »
First thought, right off the bat without reading a word:

I would love to see this broken into paragraphs. As a writer, you want your readers to have a reason to keep at it. When the page loaded, seeing this solid wall of text almost immediately scared me away.

Thoughts after reading:

This doesn't come across so much as a story being told, but a synopsis of a story with full dialogue. There are some tense issues.

"One day, he comes into a town called Hollow Grounds, this man walked around..."


Honestly, there are some moments where I have issues understanding what's actually taking place. I get the gist, but I'm having an issue following along. Some of this comes down to punctuation and syntax. For example:


"The man still having tears in his eyes said to the woman with a shaky voice,  "I've been..."

Wait. Who has the shaky voice? The man with tears in his eyes? Or is he talking to a woman who has a shaky voice? In my head, given the context, could I rearrange these words to get what you meant? Probably. But it slows the reading down considerably and makes the whole thing pretty tedious.

I think the best advice I could give is: READ. Read everything. Read all day long. You can avoid many of these pitfalls by seeing how other writer's work. Figure out how people format and pace their stories. Keep writing, but seriously, keep reading.