Author Topic: Arrival Scene. Feedback welcomed.  (Read 108 times)

Offline Hunter

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Arrival Scene. Feedback welcomed.
« on: April 26, 2018, 12:41:56 AM »
EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - DAY

Round shadows move across the city, darkening
the buildings and streets.

INT. TYLER'S APARTMENT - Day

Tyler hears a car crash and other commotion
outside.

He pulls the gun out of his mouth, then opens
the window to look outside.

Tyler comes back in, storms out of the
apartment.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Tyler walks out onto the street and sees other
people looking up in haunting silence.

He turns and looks up. The sun glares in his   
face while he stands in awe.

EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - DAY

A mother clutches her son's hand as they and
other civilians look up at --

-- flying saucers hovering over buildings. The
sun gleams behind them.

Offline bachelor567

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Re: Arrival Scene. Feedback welcomed.
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2018, 08:56:36 AM »
Hi, Hunter. I read what you wrote
And this is just a friendly observation.

first thing that came to my mind is the script is naked of details.

the opening is presented as a straight Readers' common fact.
as if you take into consideration that me and you saw independence day,
so you see no need to explain what's going on.

my first advice is be patient and write your own story,
think about this world more deeply to describe it in a passionate way.

what day is today?
weather info?
is it morning?
what's he's doing?
any clues what's he going to do after?
find out his hobby yet? is it something you could show on a shelf?
Chores?
what's on the radio? tv?
what he's having for breakfast?
is he in pajamas?
how is his appartment?
which floor?
how's the view outside the window?

basically interview yourself after visiting this guys' appartment in 9 A.M
most of the people are doing something when something else happen,
and they won't leave what they're doing unless it's unbearable what's coming.

your character pulls a gun
(which kind? i like revolvers
so if it's automatic it turns me off lol) out of his mouth.

....


....


cool. He want to suicide..


elaborate. why?
-being fired/
on the table,
a note with two days old coffee mug buttom stain on it.

it mockingly announces his final dissmissal from work.
two tears drops fall on the wrinkled note.
maybe it came to die on Tylers' glass table.

-lost his girl- holds a picture of Him and RACHEL.
their wearing a Hawaian flowery necklaces,
hugging each other on a trip- the sunset behind,
it was all so perfect back then.


anyway to make it short
you tend to be eager or focous on Aliens, not  a story.
research your characters,
concentrate on what's happens to them ALL THE TIME.