Author Topic: Very short... "The Pain of Sleep"  (Read 547 times)

Offline Lynne of Mich

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Very short... "The Pain of Sleep"
« on: March 07, 2018, 11:34:23 AM »
I wrote this years ago, I don't do a lot of writing. I need real feed back please, I have more, but I feel if its not good enough, well I don't share with people I know, so I don't have a clue ... thank you

The Pain of Sleep

   The approach to night was like a line of geese in flight; long, slow but determined. It had been another long day of having her heart pinned to a wall for all to see. Honestly the thought of another fitful night bothered her. All she needed right now was real sleep, deep and dark...she cast a quick, pleading glance skyward praying her Gods to make it so. As she reached for a half empty glass of wine;… condensation runs down the stem and mingles across her fingers... she grasped firmly and raise in drink. “Another”, she thought aloud, but knew better; knew sleep was better now than drink. “Just a week or two” she smirked, then she’d wake up, just a little sleep. It was becoming more valuable than gold and not so over rated. When her head finally hit the pillow, she could only feel the pressure of her own strengths, necessary as it was, she was the one that paid its fee. “Dream away” she whispered, and flipped the covers down away from herself and inhaled deeply, slowly breathing out. From a closed eye a tear ran down her face, across her ear and slammed into the pillow, it piled there on others; her breathing swallowed, exhaustion has found her, -sleep may follow.

Offline DavisForman

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Re: Very short... "The Pain of Sleep"
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2018, 11:48:01 PM »
Hi Lynne.

What were you writing this for? Is it for a longer story?

I'm not sure if this is what you're going for or not, but I find it very confusing to follow along. It jumps from one thing to another without much explanation. I first thought that she was outside, or sitting on a porch perhaps, since you mentioned that she was looking skywards. Then you go on to say that she's in bed.

Also, I think "line of geese in flight" is a bit a stretch if you're trying to make an analogy of the slow approach of night. It certainly sounds elegant, but I don't think that the two are comparable.

Offline Matthew Hughes

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Re: Very short... "The Pain of Sleep"
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2018, 09:57:59 AM »
The writing isn't awful and, in fact, is lyrical in places. The tone is anguished and that comes across strongly, but . . . Nothing really happens here.

The best writing advice I ever heard was this: "get them moving around." The point being that most new writers fall into the trap of describing the finite inner workings of the mind of their central characters. But this does not communicate character, nor does it move along the story. Without either of these you have something that people won't stick around to read. So get this character doing something, talking to someone, take them out on a date, anything but nothing.

I hope that helps. Stick at it and you WILL get there.