Author Topic: Moon  (Read 436 times)

Offline DTF

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« on: December 31, 2017, 04:03:39 PM »
Some folks run thru life, and never see the moon

or see it at night, in the month of June

Or listen to the Mocking bird sing all night,

while sitting in a tree ,in the pale moonlight

When you walk down that road, on a summer night

you will see everything in a different light

you'll relieve all the stress of a hot summer day

if you look real close, you'll see the Milky Way

Offline Mark T

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Re: Moon
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2018, 11:55:40 AM »

Offline indar

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Re: Moon
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2018, 04:03:51 PM »

If this were written in the 1940s for a show tune it might sound fabulous sung by Bing Crosby. The end rhymes you use are time-worn--moon/June, night/light. I have seen some of your other work that is fresh and thoughtful--but this one isn't. I encourage you to think hard about what you want to say and think about fresh and insightful ways to say it. My brother threatens to shoot the mockingbirds around his house BTW says they keep him awake all night.

When the sun in the morning
peeps over the hill
and kisses the roses
on my windowsill
then my heart leaps with gladness
when I hear the trill
of the birds in the morning
on mockingbird hill.

Sorry---just had to get it out of my system---loved that song when I was a kid. Perhaps there is nothing wrong with writing and posting song lyrics on this site but even then think hard about saying something in a different way than what we can almost anticipate because it is so over-used. Keep at it --Its obvious you love to write.