Author Topic: before the bath  (Read 347 times)

Offline indar

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before the bath
« on: December 29, 2017, 11:54:37 AM »
Before the Bath

gray layers
the bottom
of the bathtub
I spray with Hilex cleaner
rinse
watch the paisley pattern
swirl
down the drain

what burned
I wonder and blew west
toward the sea
the ineffectual sea
water enough to sink the continent
what part of someone's life
what life perhaps
washes into my village sewer
« Last Edit: December 31, 2017, 12:33:54 AM by indar »

Offline Mark T

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Re: before the bath
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2017, 04:21:58 PM »

Nice work - another 'shorty' style and quite apposite given my preceding comment regarding water. I think I get the opening and the ending but this section has me at, er, sea somewhat.

what burned
I wonder and blew west
toward the sea
the ineffectual sea
water enough to sink the continent

Reading the above in isolation now makes it clearer although it is still an abstract-ish question. I guess my answer would be... geoengineering.
 

Offline Gyppo

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Re: before the bath
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2017, 04:39:30 PM »
I assume that those living downwind of all the forest fires in the USA recently are probably finding ashes all over the place.  Like snow it can work its way into corners where you wouldn't expect to find it.

In view of the deaths you'd have to wonder if the dust contained more than just burned dreams, homes, and crops.

I like this Indar, even though it does make me feel a bit uncomfortable.

My understanding bobbled a bit at the start with layers used as a verb, rather than a noun.  But it's a perfectly legitimate use so don't take this as criticism.

Gyppo
« Last Edit: December 29, 2017, 04:43:33 PM by Gyppo »
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Offline Tom 10

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Re: before the bath
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2017, 06:57:13 PM »
Indar - beautiful, haunting, and sad. 
A few thoughts to consider [or not]:


L.9 is the word 'repeat'.  I wonder if leaving that word out and having a stanza break at that point works.

How does this look to you, ending the poem with the word 'sewer':

what part of someone's life
what life perhaps
rinses into my village sewer system
should I speak
some words
of remembrance


It is a great image, and while the last lines are touching, they take the poem back into the N's head.  Not a bad thing, just a thing.  Whatever, its a wonderful and touching poem about what goes on all around us.

The title sounds Dylan-ish.   :)

T

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Offline matty11

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Re: before the bath
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2017, 10:49:21 PM »
hi Indar,
          I like the way this starts in the domestic, the title drew me to read, and the imagination works from there. Reflects how the life of writing threads into and from life.

cheers

matty
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Offline indar

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Re: before the bath
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2017, 05:31:56 PM »
Thanks all
Mark there are lots of hobby farms, livestock and so forth east of me---I won't get into the particulars but the Inland Empire as its called is a tinderbox--no measurable rain at all since last winter.
All that ash blows west on the Santa Anna winds. The fire of which I write is the Lilac fire---out at last. Its just one of the ironies that thirty or so miles west of those horrible fires (and in the case of the more northern ones right up to the coast) there is an entire ocean full of water yet there it sits.

Does that address your at-sea-ness?

Thanks Gyppo, yes you got the import- 1 part per billion perhaps but still- 2 people a stable full of thoroughbreds and uncounted horses, goats, llamas turned loose with a prayer for their survival.

T, I thought to start and end with a kind of sacramental feel: washing/speaking words for the dead. Would just the washing at the beginning carry the idea? I'll get rid of "repeat"---got carried away.

Thank you matty, in this case writing helps process the loss.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: before the bath
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2017, 06:47:36 PM »
You may have the better idea, Linda.  The washing is a powerful,powerful passage.  It carries a lot.  Whatever you think, though.


T
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Offline indar

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Re: before the bath
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2017, 12:35:58 AM »
You were right T