Author Topic: The Sacrifice (153 words)  (Read 321 times)

Offline punsikorn49

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The Sacrifice (153 words)
« on: December 28, 2017, 12:48:18 AM »
I stumbled through the iron door and into the sacrificial chamber where three men in hooded robes awaited. With a jab by spear-point from the rockhopper behind me, I lurched forward and fell to my knees.

I was naked with my hands tied behind my back. My head hung heavy in defeat. A quick boot from the rockhopper and I completely collapsed, belly to the floor. There I lay motionless, cold and desensitized by the relentless torture I'd endured over the past week. At least I thought it was a week, the days and nights seemed to blur together into one horrible nightmare.

I closed my eyes as the chanting began. It was surprisingly soothing, the deep hums of the dark monks. I could feel the low vibrations move through me and for a moment I forgot all the horrors that I'd been through. I felt at peace. I was ready to die. บอลสเต็ป2

Jo Bannister

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Re: The Sacrifice (153 words)
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2017, 04:51:21 AM »
Hard to know what to make of this.  It's not badly written, but it lacks emotional depth - you're telling us what he/she's been through but not making us feel it.

And when did penguins go to the Dark Side?

This may be in the nature of a writing exercise, and that's a good thing to be doing.  But I think you need to ground it in some way.  There's something to be said for the old advice: Write about what you know.  At least until you have more experience, that's where emotional truth comes from.


Lin

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Re: The Sacrifice (153 words)
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2017, 09:56:01 AM »
Here you are telling an account instead of a story.  There was no depth to it.

Personally I'd like to see you changing the sentences around so that the reader feels part of the story and this is not just about the character.

What the heck is a rockhopper?  None of this makes sense.  I am not involved in the action at all.  It's all about the first person character.  I did this and then I did that. 

This is one area that writers often make mistakes when writing in first person.  See if you can write it using 'I' pronoun only once in a short paragraph. I see you use 'I' 11 times.  I am sure you can cut this to about four!   

See here:


I closed my eyes as the chanting began. It was surprisingly soothing, the deep hums of the dark monks. I could feel the low vibrations move through me and for a moment I forgot all the horrors that I'd been through. 

The chanting began and I closed my eyes. The soothing sounds and deep hum of the dark monks vibrated though me. It was enough for me to forget the horrors of what had gone before.