Author Topic: Start of a spy book?  (Read 445 times)

Offline FlickChick

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Start of a spy book?
« on: December 22, 2017, 05:21:22 PM »
Ok so I am thinking of writing a spy book and I was thimaking of this being the beginning but I really want to know if this is gripping or a bit too cliché.

the Boss gazed at his new obsession. The green light on his computer screen blinked a few times before switching to a solid red which indicated the user was no longer online. This pattern happened every Monday evening for exactly 4 hours. The profile picture showed nothing just black and yet everyone on the website knew the name trinity. From what his intelligence could gather, which was surprisingly little given his vast network. There were four people involved, previously five before one had presumably died as they weren't heard of again and there was a short week absence presumably a mourning period. Other than that nothing, the Boss knew nothing and he rarely knew nothing. He was above all intrigued. "Not now Tobias" He said as he heard heard the door open and his right hands familiar footsteps. "Sir..." Tobias said respectfully and the Boss turned round. There was was a man with him, tall and aging but with the figure of a man who was once very broad and muscular. When he spoke it was with a deep gravelly voice "I hear you're looking for Trinity."

Kat always took her shoes off before entering her home. It wasn't for any cleanliness reason she generally couldn't give a fuck if their were footprints on her white tiled kitchen floor or stains on the dark oak boards of her hallways and rooms. In truth there was no particular reason but off they came anyway.
She padded to the kitchen her bare feet making slight prints on the cool tiles. Opening the freezer  she placed the bottle of cava she had bought for a tenner from the local supermarket to cool while she got changed. Her house was large but modern situated just outside the city with large windows, her room, her study, her kitchen and a room covered in black padded mats and weights that she trained in.
She slipped off her skirt and tights and unbuttoned her white shirt before removing it along with her dark jacket. Finally she unclipped her long red curls letting them tumble down her back. She walked to the bathroom in her underwear and removed the makeup from her face. She stared at the bruise surrounding her right eye, it had faded to a greenish yellow now, thankfully. She walked back to her room and donned a loose fitting grey tshirt and some loose cotton pants like women wore for yoga.
Today had been an extra hard day so she poured herself an extra large glass of cava, the cool bottle sticking to her sweaty hands. blocked Scott Mathews she thought miserably. If he didn't want this he wanted something else and as usual "No questions" she drained her glass in a few gulps and poured herself another. It was on the third sip that she heard something. A tiny beeping noise coming from the door. Her alarm. Then footsteps quiet and muffled but heavy, she counted four. Four men? Yes definitely too thick set for a woman to be present. Then a click. Guns. The click resonated too deep for handguns, rifles then? No Ak's. Damn. She checked the clock 3:03 am before putting the bottle to her lips and gulped a few times not wanting to waste it all before. SMASH. The wall next to her was stained with tiny shards of glass and fizzy wine and she was holding the neck now covered in razer sharp shards of glass. Slowly she turned.
Sometimes she wished she wasn't so good.

She was right, four men each with heavy combat guns each pointed at her chest. "We don't want to hurt you" the main guy said stepping forward his gun raised slightly. Kat had around 3 seconds to think of something, something witty that was, she already knew what she was going to do. "Too bad." She said and threw the wine glass into the man's face, it shattered on impact tiny pieces of glass causing slits in his face blood pouring  from them.  He tried to clutch his face but that only made it worse pushing the smaller pieces further into his skin. Kat was already gone running to the second man.  she grabbed the barrel of the gun and forced it upwards the heat and shock jarring her hand as he fired several rounds into the ceiling and then, as she pushed downwards into the body of the man next to him. She moved the bottle stabbing it into his neck before ripping upwards severing the jugular. Blood spilled into her face, she tasted copper in her mouth and spat the mixture of blood and spit hitting the gargling man in the face. Only one left she ducked under the gun and sliced the inner thigh missing the artery that ran there however so she stabbed inwards and twisted. The man cried in pain but she didn't stop until she felt a twang and she severed through muscle tendons. She jerked the bottle out and the blood jettisoned out of the wound. The man collapsed. She pushed the bottle into the back of the first man's neck as he was still on the ground clutching his face. He too collapsed to the floor, she checked the clock 3:07 am the whole exchange had taken less than 4 minutes.

She breathed out slowly and checked her hands. They were perfectly still, if a little bloodstained. Satisfied with this she stepped carefully over the bodies and made her way over to her room. She pushed aside a heavy box from its position in the corner of the room. The box only contained spare sheets and blankets for winter but underneath.... she lifted the floorboards and pulled out a secondary box it was metal and look a bit like a security deposit box. In fact it was a security deposit box one that she'd 'borrowed' from a Sweedish bank..she withdrew her key from under the box and opened  the lid. She slid the  Jericho 941 into her back pocket along with a spare magazine, she would do a fall inventory later. Next she picked out an envelope with cash, around 5000 in both American dollars, Euros, Chinese Renminbi and British pounds. She rummaged through different passports. She could be Ashley Tyler from Chicago, or Abigail Keller from Munich, perhaps Stephanie Phillips from Cardiff. She finally settled for Samantha Stevens from Lyons. Samantha had blonde hair and blue eyes so she left herself a reminder to pick up hair dye and blue contacts. She withdrew an unactivated burner phone from the bottom and shoved it in her other back pocket. She then put the box back replaced the floorboards and the other box and returned to the kitchens

Once again stepping over the bodies she walked over to the fridge and, from the bottom drawer took out 2 bloodbags containing her own blood which she'd withdrawn about a year back. She would drain roughly 1 and a quater, it was important not to be too accurate that in itself was suspicious. She dumped the contents on the floor before putting the remainder on the fire place and setting it alight. Picking up the lightest of the four she dragged him though the puddle she'd created and out the door before moving him back into position with the others. Looking at her handiwork she guessed that, to the police at any rate, it would look as if her body had been dragged elsewhere by a third party or else that, severely injured, she had see her own way out.

She only had one final thing to do.  She thumbed on the burner phone and typed in the activation code. Flipping to phone she dialed a memorised number and waited. After 2 rings it was picked up and a drowsy male voice answered "yes?"
"We're compromised, 4 parcels I'm under the umbrella inform trinity then set up like the molehill contingency" there was a brief pause at his end of the line. "Contact?" He asked sounding tense. "Negative." She answered "I'll message with further meeting when safe but I'm watching my movements." Yet another brief pause before."do we have an identity" He  questioned sounding steadier now he had orders. Kat thought for a moment "hang on" she said before putting the phone down and rummaging through the dead man's pockets. The first three had nothing just spare magazines and a wallet from which she took £50 they had just tried to kill her after all. The last man, the one with the glass to the face, had a business card in his right cargo pocket she held it up and read into the phone. "Black Bride?."

James took a moment after putting the phone down just after few seconds to breath. He slid carefully out of bed so as not to wake the man beside him who murmured softly and rolled over. He decided he would let Jack sleep for the time being, they would have to leave eventually but for now he should rest. There was no rest for the wicked however and he needed to get things sorted. He walked out of the bedroom taking care to pull the covers back over his partner because when Jack got cold he woke up.

He went into his study and moved the desk which covered a series of loose floorboards. He removed the boards and opened a heavy wooden crate. He took a mental inventory: handguns- a SIG saur, 2 Čz vz. 100 guns and a Browning Hi-Power. Sniper rifles- his M14 rifle and a Desert Tactical Arms Stealth Recon Scout. Machine guns- one Colt Automatic Rifle. Finally a Benelli M3 shotgun. There was money there too around 1000 in 5 different currencies.  3 burner phones all unactivated and several passports. He chose a German one that named him Leo Lattke. He grabbed a black duffel bag and shoved everything except his shotgun, M14 and the Colt Automatic. He walked into the bedroom and got changed choosing a grey top and black jeans and a black leather jacket before picking up spare clothes for both him and Jack. Picking up and outfit for his boyfriend he spent a few minutes watching the man he loved sleep, he may not be able to see it again for a while. He threw the bundle of clothes at his sleeping form and he moaned miserably. "Get dressed." He told him, Jack rolled over and stared bleakly at him "What?" James looked miserably at him before saying "we've been found. Get dressed." Jack shot up and put some clothes on.


Offline Shortcross

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 435
  • Carpeing the hell out of this diem
    • View Profile
Re: Start of a spy book?
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2017, 02:16:37 AM »
Hello FlickChick, and welcome.

I couldn't get through enough of it to say whether it was cliche'd or not. The prose itself isn't bad, but it desperately needs some whitespace and punctuation. You seems to have an aversion to commas! Try breaking up those big chunks of text (and the long sentences), break out the dialogue and take pity on your poor reader.

Other than that, you're head-hopping a fair amount. If you want to switch POV, I'd do it chapter by chapter. If not, then at least use a double line-space to give the reader an indication of the POV switch.

Last thing: watch out for repeating words or sentences. Sometimes, repetition can work really well for dramatic effect (Martin Amis does it all the time... 'her mouth was a deep source, a deep source of lies and kisses') - but generally, repetition jars, like here:

Quote
previously five before one had presumably died as they weren't heard of again and there was a short week absence presumably a mourning period

and here

Quote
The wall next to her was stained with tiny shards of glass and fizzy wine and she was holding the neck now covered in razer sharp shards of glass

Lastly lastly, there's loads of typos and spelling mistakes...

Quote
He said as he heard heard the door open
Quote
she generally couldn't give a fuck if their were footprints on her white tiled kitchen floor
Quote
now covered in razer sharp shards

etc.

Good luck!

Shorty


Jo Bannister

  • Guest
Re: Start of a spy book?
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2017, 03:55:36 AM »
Sorry, but I couldn't read it either.  You need to work on your writing before you start your book.  It's not as easy as it looks!

Offline Kowboy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1666
    • View Profile
Re: Start of a spy book?
« Reply #3 on: December 25, 2017, 10:58:21 AM »
It's a rough read. I made a few paragraphs.

hillwalker3000

  • Guest
Re: Start of a spy book?
« Reply #4 on: December 28, 2017, 12:57:51 PM »
Ok so I am thinking of writing a spy book.

On the basis of this, you're not ready to write a book. Maybe begin with short stories, and can I suggest you spend 9 hours reading for every hour you spend writing. I gave up after the first paragraph.

Quote
the The Boss gazed at his new obsession. The green light on his computer screen blinked a few times before switching to a solid red which indicated the user was no longer online. This pattern happened every Monday evening for exactly 4 hours. What pattern? The green light blinking then turning red? Why would anyone watch this for 4 hours?
The profile picture showed nothing just black and yet everyone on the website knew the name trinity. How? And why should we care? This doesn't make a lot of sense so far.
From what his intelligence could gather, which was surprisingly little given his vast network an incomplete sentence. There were four people involved, previously five before one had presumably died as they weren't heard of again and there was a short week absence presumably a mourning period. A long, rambling sentence telling us nothing much. Other than that nothing, the Boss knew nothing and he rarely knew nothing. He was above all intrigued. I'm still not seeing why he's intrigued."Not now Tobias" He said as he heard heard the door open and his right hands familiar footsteps Uh?. "Sir..." Tobias said respectfully and the Boss turned round. There was was a man with him, tall and aging but with the figure of a man who was once very broad and muscular Makes no sense. When he spoke it was with a deep gravelly voice "I hear you're looking for Trinity."

So far, this comes across as manufactured 'cloak and dagger' without any explanation of why things are being treated so mysteriously. There's no hook apart from the stuff you're telling us that isn't backed up with any evidence. Stories, no matter how far-fetched, also have to possess some believability. This doesn't, and your wafer thin characters are too flat to interest even the most avid reader.
You also need to sort out your punctuation.

H3K