Author Topic: Song of Iosheka  (Read 234 times)

SharonLeigh

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Song of Iosheka
« on: December 20, 2017, 11:24:30 PM »
Wikipedia:
According to Wyandot (Huron) mythology, Iosheka created the first man and woman and taught them many skills, including all their religious ceremonies and rituals, the ability to fight evil spirits, healing, and the use of the sacrament of tobacco.

*yo'hko': owl
.









Out where birch
thin to wild pine
like stuttered bones
amid green needles

I trudge in heavy
breath-hung rhythm
through underbrush.
I leave the path.

The rise of brambled ridge
is managed easy.
Between bare frame
of brittle branch

your phantom
whitetail: thick-necked
in twilight, steaming.
Eighteen spires worn

tall and fearless.
No velvet buffer,
no red shred
or pulsing nub

but quartz tines,
hardened in the wind.
What am I worth, tonight?
The stag stands still,

aligns himself with
yo'hko', eats the moon.
I will not speak of this.
Your rifle, oiled,

in the shed, waiting.
Tobacco, warm
and pungent, knife,
sheath, skin.

Your voice an amber
fist within my chest.
The evening's summit.
Your ready hand,

storied bow: taut
and eager, humming.
I turn. I head for home
through stars. I do not run.





.

Friday 12/22; Forgive my rapid edit! Didn't rewrite and place them side by side, as it was only 2 words not an overhaul:)  thanks! SL
« Last Edit: December 29, 2017, 10:02:45 AM by SL »

Offline matty11

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Re: Nothing to Forgive: Song of Iosheka
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2017, 08:36:14 AM »
hi Sharon

I do like this genre. The delivery can mimic pidgin English, but that is not the expression here. The plain diction, with a few exceptions, sounds authentic. Personally, I don't hear a voice that would include such vocabulary as Venus/zenith. Very much liked the amber fist. S1 is fab.

best

matty
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGOCTIZI9vc

Offline duck

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Re: Nothing to Forgive: Song of Iosheka
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2017, 09:23:12 AM »
Overall I really enjoyed this. It flowed acccording to its onw pace and rhythm and told a well perceived tale between myth, fantasy and reality. Like Matty I found S1 in particular very impressive. The only thing at fist reading that jarred was the sudden entrance of He in S 6.
Dave

Offline indar

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Re: Nothing to Forgive: Song of Iosheka
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2017, 05:09:30 PM »
Just a little hint of Longfellow in this. (don't be offended just a teeny tiny bit) The imagery is fabulous.

I'm trying to decide how I feel about the mix of Native and Roman mythology, and perhaps that of the modern-day, deer-hunter cult (I spent about 7 years in the north woods of Wisconsin where the world turns on deer season) I think its an interesting idea to span cultures and eras but I also agree with Matty the inclusion of Venus reads a little off.

Have you ever read Mary Oliver's Twelve Moons--12 poems using the Algonquin names for the moon. You might relate to Hunters Moon:Eating the Bear

Interesting write I will come back to again.

SharonLeigh

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Re: Nothing to Forgive: Song of Iosheka
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2017, 11:43:45 PM »
hi Sharon

I do like this genre. The delivery can mimic pidgin English, but that is not the expression here. The plain diction, with a few exceptions, sounds authentic. Personally, I don't hear a voice that would include such vocabulary as Venus/zenith. Very much liked the amber fist. S1 is fab.

best

matty

Thank you, matty! Venus of course is meant to be the planet showing in the darkening sky, but I should research what the Huron would have called it. Zenith can go, I'm not in love with it.  Thanks so much for your thoughts here!

Best,
Sharon

SharonLeigh

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Re: Nothing to Forgive: Song of Iosheka
« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2017, 11:47:12 PM »
Overall I really enjoyed this. It flowed acccording to its onw pace and rhythm and told a well perceived tale between myth, fantasy and reality. Like Matty I found S1 in particular very impressive. The only thing at fist reading that jarred was the sudden entrance of He in S 6.
Dave

Thanks Dave, and good point, attempting to portray the stag but maybe there's a way to say it without an abrupt pronoun there. Thanks so much for looking in!

Best,
Sharon

SharonLeigh

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Re: Nothing to Forgive: Song of Iosheka
« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2017, 11:54:09 PM »
Just a little hint of Longfellow in this. (don't be offended just a teeny tiny bit) The imagery is fabulous.

I'm trying to decide how I feel about the mix of Native and Roman mythology, and perhaps that of the modern-day, deer-hunter cult (I spent about 7 years in the north woods of Wisconsin where the world turns on deer season) I think its an interesting idea to span cultures and eras but I also agree with Matty the inclusion of Venus reads a little off.

Have you ever read Mary Oliver's Twelve Moons--12 poems using the Algonquin names for the moon. You might relate to Hunters Moon:Eating the Bear

Interesting write I will come back to again.
Hi indar.. no offense taken!  ;D I am delighted that the "deer-hunter cult" as you put it came through! I definitely was trying to allude to that. I see now that "Venus" is a stumbling block, and does not fit the spirit of the piece... I will find another way to describe it I'm sure. Yes I've read Oliver's 12 moons but it's been a long time, I shall revisit post-haste! Thanks for the idea :) Much appreciate your commentary and your reading me!

My best,
Sharon

Offline matty11

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Re: Nothing to Forgive: Song of Iosheka
« Reply #7 on: December 22, 2017, 01:08:46 AM »
Hi Sharon,
              Just two points of clarity, which maybe me, but...

aliens...I didn't understand...aligns?

Ivory...antlers are made of bone?

best

matty
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGOCTIZI9vc

SharonLeigh

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Re: Nothing to Forgive: Song of Iosheka
« Reply #8 on: December 22, 2017, 07:09:30 AM »
Hi Sharon,
              Just two points of clarity, which maybe me, but...

aliens...I didn't understand...aligns?

Ivory...antlers are made of bone?

best

matty
Thanks matty, yes of course it's supposed to be aligns, not aliens! How did I miss that-- Thanks for catching it. And yes, antlers are not made of ivory, I was using it as a color, tryjng to show tone, but had already used "bone" in S1. So, I'll likely find a better choice. Thanks again, really appreciate the help!

Best,
Sharon