Author Topic: deeper  (Read 533 times)

Offline duck

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deeper
« on: December 19, 2017, 11:20:25 AM »
man wades deeper
among silver fish darting
feet and ankles tear up roots
thighs slowly appear to bleach green
gull's cry breaks space as if breath was a brittle glass
all motion gathers storms within itself, becomes all motion
until finally the ever folding senses submerge  beneath the weight
« Last Edit: December 21, 2017, 09:20:33 AM by duck »

Offline indar

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Re: deeper
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2017, 04:16:24 PM »
Hi Dave,

Mark will love this one and ee cummings is no doubt smiling down on you as well. This is a nice use of shape poeming.

Love L4--yes that's what happens.

A nice sense of total absorption in a simple act of walking into lake water and so much more implied.

Offline matty11

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Re: deeper
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2017, 01:48:41 PM »
Quote
man wades deeper
among silver fish darting
feet and ankles tear up roots
thighs slowly seemingly bleach green
gull cry breaks space as if breath was a brittle glass
all motion gathers storms within itself, becomes all motion
until finally the ever folding senses submerge  beneath the weight

Just a thought to stretch the illusion. Really felt the wading experience!

good one

matty

Dansinger

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Re: deeper
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2017, 02:39:38 PM »
I've come back to this one several times now, and I'm with matty.

Offline duck

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Re: deeper
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2017, 04:24:48 PM »
Thank you for the comments and ideas to ponder
Dave

SharonLeigh

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Re: deeper
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2017, 08:57:39 PM »
Great commentary here already-- the poem's format is delightful, really aligned w the subject. Says so much in 7 lines. Loving the sonics of the final 3 lines: brittle, then hissing (sounds of water) to finally muted, muffled, underwater. Beautiful. I also love the thighs bleached green, could absolutely see it. Am I wrong in wanting L5 to read "gull's" cry? Or "cry of gull"? Something w syntax... I don't know, maybe I'm wrong.  Overall, enjoyed this very much.

Best,
Sharon

Offline duck

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Re: deeper
« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2017, 09:20:52 AM »
Thanks Sharon, made small adjustment.
Dave

Offline drab

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Re: deeper
« Reply #7 on: December 28, 2017, 10:03:30 PM »
If it was mine I'd start with something like 'As we wade deeper', or 'We wade deeper'.
Really enjoyed all of this, but the last two lines are so good.

Offline Mark T

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Re: deeper
« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2017, 04:37:23 PM »

Of course i love the shape, this is literally form poetry to me ;D but the content must work -which it does here, although one has to squint at the syntax a little. I do believe adjusting words to fit lines can bring forth subtle meanings and nuances that wouldn't otherwise appear but are maybe meant to be exposed. Excuse the fiddle.

man wades deeper
among silver fish darting
feet and ankles tear up roots
thighs slowly appear to bleach green
gull's cry breaks space as if breath was glass
all motion gathers storms within, becomes all motion
until finally the ever folding senses submit beneath weight


 

Offline Tom 10

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Re: deeper
« Reply #9 on: December 29, 2017, 07:05:57 PM »
Late to the party, but loving the poem!  As the lines lengthen, the narrative deepens.  Through the first five and half lines you have two of my senses completely engaged.  I am wading, and hearing the bird.  Then over the fault-line to the concept swirl -- a big step, and breathless. 
Bravo!


T