Author Topic: That sound across the estuary (revised)  (Read 435 times)

Offline matty11

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That sound across the estuary (revised)
« on: December 17, 2017, 01:10:42 AM »
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« Last Edit: December 29, 2017, 10:38:30 PM by matty11 »
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGOCTIZI9vc

SharonLeigh

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Re: That sound across the estuary
« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2017, 10:48:53 PM »
There's nothing haunting here
along this lip of sand.
Just a curlew. That curve
of beak will conjure smiles
not ghouls. What comes to mind?
The Clangers, Cyrano,
a dimming of my eyes?
That girl with wavy hair
along the smile of sand.

Oh, gorgeous and wistful. That third line... love. Something so pretty about the word "curlew", to me.

3 "that" 's (title, L3, L8) intentional? Not bothered per se,  but I did notice.

Overall, much enjoyed!

Offline duck

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Re: That sound across the estuary
« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2017, 08:09:55 AM »
Hi Matty
I have a soft spot for curlews so on the whole like this.
I have couple of quibbles though. Firstly, you don't need 'here' in line 1 IMO given the precision of the second line.
Secondly, you introduce the examples with: the curve of beak will conjure smiles not ghouls:
The examples: Clangers, Cyrano, a dimming of the eyes, a girl with wavy hair.

I can kind of go with the Clangers (hated them actually but what the hell), Cyrano, a girl with wavy hair. But, a dimming of the eyes and smiles seems like a stretch.

Finally, not sure about the repeat of smile in the last line.

Dave

Offline matty11

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Re: That sound across the estuary
« Reply #3 on: December 19, 2017, 06:17:19 AM »
Thank you Dave and Sharon. I must admit some of the choices were because of sound: I like the spine of that; and the way 'here' stops the line. A personal preference I know.

The latter part of the write is a response to Yeats:

http://www.bartleby.com/146/16.html

best

matty
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGOCTIZI9vc

Dansinger

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Re: That sound across the estuary
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2017, 07:48:01 AM »
Curlew. I had to  look that up. (English isn't my native tongue.)

Now that I know what a curlew is, the poem makes sense. It makes even more sense knowing that it is - in part - a response to Yeats' poem Hanrahan reproves the Curlew.

I think it wouldn't hurt to mention that in a preface before the title.
"a response Hanrahan reproves the Curlew by W.B. Yeats."

Online indar

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Re: That sound across the estuary
« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2017, 04:09:26 PM »
Hi Matty,

I am certain there is a reason for some of the repetition in this piece. I love the image "smile of sand" and it reflects the curve of beak without stating it. But for some reason I don't like the assertion that the beak will "conjure smiles". I can't imagine a connection between Cyrano and the beak of a sandpiper as a cause for smiles if that is your intention. And the "lip of sand" and "smile of sand" also seem too repetitive-- I notice you pay close attention to sonics, "lip" is such a short intense sound perhaps "beach" holds its own against it better.---just a thought. 


Offline matty11

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Re: That sound across the estuary (revised)
« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2017, 05:10:26 PM »
Quote
Now that I know what a curlew is, the poem makes sense. It makes even more sense knowing that it is - in part - a response to Yeats' poem Hanrahan reproves the Curlew.

I think it wouldn't hurt to mention that in a preface before the title.
"a response Hanrahan reproves the Curlew by W.B. Yeats."

Thanks Dansinger. It is an idea, but perhaps the framing is too removed for most readers. I've decided to disconnect that thread.

best

Matty
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGOCTIZI9vc

Offline matty11

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Re: That sound across the estuary (revised)
« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2017, 05:14:50 PM »
Quote
"lip" is such a short intense sound perhaps "beach" holds its own against it better.---just a thought.

Interesting point Indar. Tempted, though I don't want a 'holiday' beach to picture in the reader's mind. I've gone for some alliteration to extend the effect.

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matty
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGOCTIZI9vc

Online indar

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Re: That sound across the estuary (revised)
« Reply #8 on: December 19, 2017, 05:27:11 PM »
works well

Offline matty11

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Re: That sound across the estuary (revised)
« Reply #9 on: December 20, 2017, 06:45:59 AM »
Thanks for the thumbs up Indar. Still bits to tweak.

best

matty
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGOCTIZI9vc

SharonLeigh

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Re: That sound across the estuary (revised)
« Reply #10 on: December 20, 2017, 09:00:26 PM »
Beautiful revision. I like the sound "misting of my eyes " brings toward the close.

Offline matty11

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Re: That sound across the estuary (revised)
« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2017, 08:39:36 AM »
Thanks Sharon. I think with a little nudging from readers, the poem has progressed!

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matty
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGOCTIZI9vc

Offline drab

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Re: That sound across the estuary (revised)
« Reply #12 on: December 21, 2017, 10:32:44 PM »
I much prefer the original, with one proviso...
 
There's nothing haunting here
along this lip of sand.                          'sand' is much better than 'land'
Just a curlew. That curve
of beak will conjure smiles
not ghouls. What comes to mind?
The Clangers, Cyrano,
a dimming of my eyes?     
That girl with wavy hair
along the smile of sand.

L7 'misting' is cliche. 'dimming' is better...but not quite there. 'Salt' might work if you make this the last line.
Anywho, I enjoyed the read.
Regards
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline matty11

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Re: That sound across the estuary (revised)
« Reply #13 on: December 22, 2017, 01:27:08 AM »
Thanks Drab. I like the alliteration in L2 and agree with Indar on the sonics.

L7 was originally based on a Yeats reference, which was too obscure for readers. salting, could imply a negativity.

The present L7 was intended to hint at illusions, a positive one rather than ghouls. It doesn't have any poetic panache, though the sounds and straightforwardness work to an extent. I will ponder some more! It is a matter of getting the mood music right.

best

matty

« Last Edit: December 22, 2017, 01:43:14 AM by matty11 »
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGOCTIZI9vc