Author Topic: Sandy Hook  (Read 675 times)

Offline indar

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Sandy Hook
« on: December 14, 2017, 10:58:57 AM »
Sandy Hook

They brush their teeth before they go to bed,
lunches packed for tomorrow,
the dog let out.
There is more tenderness in the way he holds her hand,
finger in finger,
during that time before sleep comes.
Her hair smells the same.
This evening news marked five years.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2017, 08:36:38 PM by indar »

Offline Mark T

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Re: Sandy Hook
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2017, 03:26:50 PM »

Quite a powerful angle to look at that horrific massacre. The last line of S1 is poignant.

Something about the final couplet feels off - I think it may be the present tense in the last line after the 5-year lapse is established in the second last line, also in present tense. Not sure.   

Offline indar

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Re: Sandy Hook
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2017, 07:03:24 PM »
Thanks for the read and comments Mark

actually I'm describing the little nightly rituals that is part of this couple's getting on with life after losing a child. So it is all present tense--five years after the massacre. Does that make more sense?

I am not happy with the last S as it seems "telly".

SharonLeigh

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Re: Sandy Hook
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2017, 09:58:38 PM »
This is so quietly wrenching. I'm sure to the parents it's like yesterday. I can't even imagine. Strong poeming, indar.

Offline duck

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Re: Sandy Hook
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2017, 04:18:12 AM »
Hi ndar
this is moving and understated in a very personal and warm-hearted way. Perhaps the last line of S 1 needs a better contextualisation in the sense that 'same' hangs without providing a sense of what it is the same as. Same as before the shooting? Same as her son? Who is smelling it; both them, the son or the mother?

The last two lines are telly and yet they do draw the core tragedy behind the simple acts in S1 together. There is a grammatical problem too, though, since media is plural and in any case is a bit broad to really cause a true effect. maybe Tv news rather than media.
Dave

Offline indar

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Re: Sandy Hook
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2017, 01:43:24 PM »
Thanks Sharon and Dave.

I changed "media" Dave but I wanted to keep "hair smells the same" ambiguous as it does serve both purposes. There are familial smells by which we humans (and non-humans as well come to think of it) bond to family members. But also it might be the same smell means she is going on with life as before as best she can with such little things.

And again Sharon thanks for commenting.

Offline matty11

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Re: Sandy Hook
« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2017, 04:56:08 PM »
Hi Indar,
          I thought the sanity through routine and the tenderness felt authentic. The understatement emphasizes the emotion not far from the surface.

Quote
This evening news marked five years

An option could be to end with that flat statement because the poem relates the 'surviving' and conveys the frailty.

best

matty

Offline indar

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Re: Sandy Hook
« Reply #7 on: December 18, 2017, 08:39:23 PM »
Thanks Matty,

Trying it as you suggested--seems a bit truncated but perhaps something else might float in. One of my topical poems that has a pretty short shelf life--written mainly to get it out of my system but still--I want to do the best with it I can

Offline matty11

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Re: Sandy Hook
« Reply #8 on: December 19, 2017, 01:55:50 AM »
Quote
seems a bit truncated but perhaps something else might float in

I agree. I thought of spacing, but I don't think that is a solution. Perhaps an expansion along the lines of how news is presented - 'professionally' - in contrast to the personal circumstance.

Quote
This evening news marked five years.
The newsreader was silver-haired and did not pause.

Not an actual suggestion, but perhaps a possible direction.

best

matty