Author Topic: confessions  (Read 436 times)

Offline duck

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confessions
« on: December 13, 2017, 09:46:49 AM »
This is a recycled poem - sorry i already cut 2 redundant lines
_________________________


Often I sit on my porch
in a red rocking chair,
my hands
idle on the armrests,
ponder
extracted and forgotten stories,
all manner of dirt
pressed into wrinkles.

One ancient history scars
the tip of my left index finger,
next to the nail.

In any case
my grip has lessened,
arthritis crackles and
my thumb locks
for no reason.

On the back of both hands
the skin loosens and veins
rise to the surface
like trails on a folded map.

Worst of all
a stain of betrayal hugs the knuckles
which no amount of washing removes.








« Last Edit: December 21, 2017, 09:25:12 AM by duck »

SharonLeigh

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Re: confessions
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2017, 10:08:48 AM »
Dave, really enjoyed this. So much is said by hands. Love the dirt pressed into wrinkles which somehow never leaves. Much to like here. Not sure if the opening S is necessary, just me though.

Got to run: work then school and all in a winter storm... good times. I'll return later w a better crit/comment, just wanted to say I did read & enjoy it!

Best,
Sharon

Offline Mark T

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Re: confessions
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2017, 12:28:06 PM »

A really good read, and food for thought. Hands are the most marvellous tools, aren't they, and full of information too - and now history too. Great stuff.

Dansinger

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Re: confessions
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2017, 01:14:13 PM »
Great read.

And al of a sudden I'm little again, stroking my grandmother's hand with one finger, amazed and awed by the thick veins and soft, loose skin. Now my own hands are starting to resemble hers.

Offline indar

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Re: confessions
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2017, 05:02:13 PM »
Hi Dave
What would you think of using the last stanza to start the poem and ending it with S4?
« Last Edit: December 13, 2017, 08:34:32 PM by indar »

SharonLeigh

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Re: confessions
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2017, 09:57:20 PM »
Oooh i have to say i love how it reads w indar's suggestion!!

Offline duck

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Re: confessions
« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2017, 05:28:58 AM »
Hi Indar
That is a great idea thanks.
Dave
and thanks for all comments and memories

Offline DTF

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Re: confessions
« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2017, 10:52:18 AM »
Love this, sounds like you were talking about me

Offline afraidtobeknown

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Re: confessions
« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2017, 08:59:14 PM »
"Worst of all
a stain of betrayal hugs the knuckles
which no amount of washing removes."

I loved this part. I feel the same way but i hope its the otherway round. I want to believe intensity of the pain is forcing us to believe this way. I want to believe insanity will go away with time.

Offline drab

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Re: confessions
« Reply #9 on: December 21, 2017, 10:45:13 PM »
The N is old but guilty. He still sees the bruise created when he beat his wife.
'all manner of dirt' I assume is another clue.
It's late here, but I enjoyed the read.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Dansinger

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Re: confessions
« Reply #10 on: December 22, 2017, 04:09:19 AM »
The N is old but guilty. He still sees the bruise created when he beat his wife.
'all manner of dirt' I assume is another clue.
It's late here, but I enjoyed the read.

 :o
I had't picked up on that, but yes, I see it too now.

Offline matty11

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Re: confessions
« Reply #11 on: December 22, 2017, 07:07:18 AM »
Quote
Often I sit on my porch
in a red rocking chair,

That is a great opening, hooked, and I hoped that the rest of the poem would deliver - it did! Really enjoyed all, in particular a stain of betrayal hugs the knuckles and dirt/pressed into wrinkles.

Quote
In any case
my grip has lessened,
arthritis crackles
and my thumb locks
for no reason.

Give the endline emphasis to the verb rather than the dangling conjunction? Just a thought.

best

Matty

« Last Edit: December 22, 2017, 07:09:59 AM by matty11 »
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGOCTIZI9vc

Offline indar

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Re: confessions
« Reply #12 on: December 22, 2017, 10:39:08 AM »
great reorganization it really flows and builds to that final confession.