Author Topic: Original revision  (Read 753 times)

Offline Mark T

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Original revision
« on: December 12, 2017, 04:45:15 PM »
Totem

I stop to watch them fall,
those swaying skirts of rain
swept overboard from dirty clouds
patrolling across my god-green valley.

I hunker down surrounded by colour; fynbos,
proteas, ericas, heathers, tussocks of helicrysum,
as a wet grey blur spitfires needles along the ridge. 
Stoic, I absorb the squall, edged with a bitter winter.

It passes as a halo. I stand, cut flowers in hand,
a fleeting double rainbow coalescent in the air
and reflect how near this time last year
we thought she had the flu.




Offline DTF

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Re: Original revision
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2017, 05:34:12 PM »
I read this five times looked up all the words , this is sad, if I am understanding it right ?? did she pass away

SharonLeigh

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Re: Original revision
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2017, 06:17:06 PM »
Totem

I stop to watch them fall,
those swaying skirts of rain
swept overboard from dirty clouds
patrolling across my god-green valley.

I hunker down surrounded by colour; fynbos,
proteas, ericas, heathers, tussocks of helicrysum,
as a wet grey blur spitfires needles along the ridge. 
Stoic, I absorb the squall, edged with a bitter winter.

It passes as a halo. I stand, cut flowers in hand,
a fleeting double rainbow coalescent in the air
and reflect how near this time last year
we thought she had the flu.

Mark, this is exquisite. From the title on, a sad, evocative devotion, full of your signature musicality. I could see and feel the whole thing.  I liked how S1 opens with an easy rhythm. Swaying skirts of rain is lovely. S2 holds a lot of the spirit of the piece, for me, especially w its stinging sounds, focused descriptive, and the sharp image of the n hunched among color with a (stoic) shoulder to the oncoming winter. S3 relieves and justifies, here we can have a rainbow sans cliche, and delivers the sad affirmation built by the previous stanzas. S3 returns to easier or more "pleasant" sonics, too. I read this so many times, was continually impressed with the way the poem's construction, pace and sonics  perfectly reflect its message. Wouldn't change a thing. Much enjoyed!
« Last Edit: December 12, 2017, 06:21:33 PM by SharonLeigh »

Offline Mark T

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Re: Original revision
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2017, 04:59:38 PM »

Sharon, thank you so much for your muse-like words. This piece is one of a series I wrote here on MWC on my journey after my partner passed away. I'm revisiting and revising them now from a different head-space place. But it's still not so easy.

I suspect the grief series may be the best sustained poetry I ever write - if only for the extra effort I put into each tribute-like offering. I still write about this seminal event but the distance between each piece grows farther, as it should, I guess.

These days all I feel strongly about in poetry-writing terms are globalist policies and the devolution of Humanity but these are awkward to receive in open forum, given the python states of blanket surveillance and self-censorship.

DTF - thanks for look and comment.

       

Offline indar

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Re: Original revision
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2017, 05:11:56 PM »
Loved it when I first read it---love it even more now. You accomplished something beautiful and believable--tying as you did a sweep of rain the specific names of plants and a rainbow to the anniversary of your personal loss. What is so amazing is that those images seem so fresh and honest and there is no hint of sentimentality.

Offline matty11

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Re: Original revision
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2017, 11:09:17 PM »
hi Mark

There is a strength conveyed in this poem - I stop, I hunker, I absorb, I stand help convey that - and this makes the felt loss that more palpable. In particular the interaction with nature - brings the reader into the inner landscape, the turmoil and survival there.

best

matty




Offline duck

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Re: Original revision
« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2017, 05:30:43 AM »
Mark
There are no specifics to add to all the other comments. I beleive this is one of the best poems you ahve posted here. Simple, moving and superbly well-crafted. Thanks for this

Offline Vienna

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Re: Original revision
« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2017, 05:35:11 AM »
Brilliant! Enough said!
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Dansinger

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Re: Original revision
« Reply #8 on: December 14, 2017, 06:25:38 AM »
Swaying skirts of rain, dirty clouds patrolling, edged with a bitter winter - that's the setting.

Then you lift the veil and show us - without telling us in so many words - what happened.

reflect how near this time last year
we thought she had the flu.


I'd say that's true mastery.

Offline Mark T

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Re: Original revision
« Reply #9 on: December 14, 2017, 03:36:44 PM »

Wow, thanks for all the encouraging comments; Linda, Matty, Dave, Richard, and Dansinger. And thanks again to Sharon for initial comment. So nice to see such a raft of members putting down words - I hope you all plan on supporting Tom with his Poetry Challenge.   

SharonLeigh

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Re: Original revision
« Reply #10 on: December 14, 2017, 10:15:59 PM »
Mark, it's interesting to see that for you, the experience of deep pain and grief  only enhances and distills your writing. I'm not trying to be flippant or callous at all, I'm genuinely intrigued because for me, when I try to write from a place of anguish I just write crap and it frustrates me.  For this reason i typically can't write about it with any merit until literal years have passed. It's apparant though such crucible hones for you; these sorrow-steeped pieces are amazing. I'm so sorry for your loss.

And yep I did submit to Tom's challenge :) Hoping others are, also.

Offline Royal Kumari

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Re: Original revision
« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2018, 04:14:03 PM »
 This is an incredible piece of writing.

Offline Mark T

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Re: Original revision
« Reply #12 on: November 14, 2018, 12:21:47 PM »

Thank you, RK. When I read this again this morning, it made my eyes a little wet. Nice to see you back.
Mark 

Offline indar

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Re: Original revision
« Reply #13 on: November 15, 2018, 11:37:33 AM »
Time is often the best reviewer of poetry for the poet. Other readers, coming upon a poem fresh can often be more struck by the successes and failures of a piece than the poet who struggled (and possibly got confused y all the decision-making. The reaction you had to re- reading this was true. Wonderful writing as usual Mark.

And RK I remember you from earlier activity on this site I sincerely hope you are back and will post some of your work which I enjoyed.