Author Topic: First Poem, want to know if it's something worth continuing with  (Read 462 times)

Offline glasogowpoet

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First Poem, want to know if it's something worth continuing with
« on: December 11, 2017, 06:14:34 PM »
First time I've shown anything I've written, any and all feedback is welcome:


No-one ever asks if iím okay

Most of the time I am

But then suddenly Iím not, as I walk through the streets head held high ready to conquer the world I think back to a memory that scared me or made me anxious

Suddenly I canít stop thinking about it, suddenly head and my heart sink, my gaze moves from the sky to the ground

Suddenly I start to think my friends donít like me and that itís all a cruel joke against me
all because someone didnít pick up the phone or didnít reply within a few moments

But even as I write this I doubt that anythings wrong with me
I start to wonder maybe Iím making all this up
And maybe I am

I start to thinks itís all okay, but then suddenly

Itís not.

Offline drab

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Re: First Poem, want to know if it's something worth continuing with
« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2017, 09:43:07 PM »
Welcome g,
You could condense it to this without losing anything.

I'm anxious
and wonder if they like me
especially
when they don't reply
within a few moments?

My advice would be to keep writing poetry and eliminate all social media from your life...especially if this is an auto poem.
Another plus, you didn't use rhyme...that's a great start.
A Mod will be along soon with some advice (for newbies).
Regards
Rev. Drab


To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Online indar

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Re: First Poem, want to know if it's something worth continuing with
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2017, 10:01:29 AM »
Hello and welcome,

I like the intention of this piece, the self doubt that comes out of nowhere because of something like an unanswered phone call. Poetry is best when the writer can get the most impact from the least number of words. Your piece is looking at a type of experience that I'm certain many readers can relate to. Try to maintain that emotional impact but, as drab suggests, trim out extra words and do a few more line breaks--see what happens. Interesting first post, keep at it and you will learn a lot here.

JewelAS53

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Re: First Poem, want to know if it's something worth continuing with
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2017, 08:37:17 AM »
Hi glasgowpoet,

Please pop into the Welcome Board to introduce yourself to our vibrant warm community.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0