Author Topic: A Poem called You spoke to me about time.  (Read 502 times)

Offline Sweedish

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A Poem called You spoke to me about time.
« on: December 11, 2017, 01:59:46 PM »

A Poem called You spoke to me about time.

In a world with almost 8 billion people,
You spoke to me about time.
In a place where millions of interactions occur,
You spoke to me about time.
In a universe that is always expanding,
You spoke to me about time.

We speak via digital communications through screens,
Physically we are separated by roads, rivers and land,
Despite the distance somehow there is a closeness forming,
We talk infrequently, you play it cool,
Soon things move to a better, faster rhythm,
We arrange to meet, things are moving to another level,
I feel nervous, as if I am worried Iíll mess this up,
You find a place between us, but slightly in my favor,
We meet in the car park, you arrived before me,
I buy you a drink, and we find a table,
This becomes our tradition, to sit in these seats,
You talk; I canít help but stare, your even cuter IRL,
We walk to the car, I steal a kiss, you think Iím cheeky,
This is the first of many encounter we will share.


In a world with almost 8 billion people,
You spoke to me about time.
In a place where millions of interactions occur,
You spoke to me about time.
In a universe that is always expanding,
You spoke to me about time.

You lay down precise lines of lead, by my template,
I plunge the shiny steel blade through the brown fibers,
My arm quivers as I drag the blade through the material,
We repeat the process until the pieces are complete,
You follow me to the floor; we sit facing each other,
Legs crossed eagerly waiting as the hot glue starts to melt,
By carefully choreographed movements our rhythms align,
I guide your hand and the structure beings to form,
What was once in idea, became a sketch, and now,
Before we know it, our creation stands in glorious 3D,
In the corner of the room the castle resides,
This partly built structure, made from processed tress,
Represents a dream, and captures a moment we shared,
The dream is safe within its carefully assembled walls.

In a world with almost 8 billion people,
You spoke to me about time.
In a place where millions of interactions occur,
You spoke to me about time.
In a universe that is always expanding,
You spoke to me about time.


Writing poetry is something I have never really had an interest in before, but thought I would give it a go.

Please let me know your thoughts :)

Offline indar

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Re: A Poem called You spoke to me about time.
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2017, 11:57:45 AM »
There is a poem in this piece of writing but it needs to be put through a process of getting to what the Narrator really needs to tell the reader. As it stands the repetition of a "chorus" might be Ok in a song but it has no place in this narrative. The important message here is the development of a relationship unique to this couple. The three things that catch me as a reader are how fortunate the N feels to have found the other; the generosity of the other in finding a meeting place in the N's favor. I read a definition of love as two people loving the same things together---applicable here as found in the act of creating something---what? thought maybe stained glass because of the lead lines--doesn't matter--its clear the activity increases the sense of intimacy. Cut this poem in half by getting rid of the repetition. "Time" is abstract language--it does not strike this reader as a remarkable subject for two people to build a relationship on. Be specific or skip that part.

Welcome to MWC and keep at it, you have a good start.

Offline Sweedish

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Re: A Poem called You spoke to me about time.
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2017, 11:53:49 AM »
Hi Indar,

Thank you very much for your response.

I greatly appreciate the time you have taken to read my poem and I will make sure to take your advice into account for my future writing.

Many thanks :)