Author Topic: Ignored (revision2)  (Read 702 times)

Offline matty11

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Ignored (revision2)
« on: December 09, 2017, 06:44:27 AM »
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« Last Edit: December 29, 2017, 10:40:36 PM by matty11 »

SharonLeigh

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Re: Ignored
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2017, 10:06:38 PM »
I like this Matty, even if I'm finding it difficult to pin down. I get the overarching theme, and S1 such an effective show of it. I'm not sure who the rock skippers are, though it's a valid juxtaposition for sure.

Offline Mark T

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Re: Ignored
« Reply #2 on: December 11, 2017, 10:53:57 AM »
I like S1 and S2. The uncertainty and imagery make for a good mix. I found S3 and S4 to be a little busy. And who or what, pray tell, are 'them' in the last line? The boots - the dippers? Or the grazers? 

Offline matty11

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Re: Ignored (revision2)
« Reply #3 on: December 11, 2017, 02:09:37 PM »
Thanks Sharon and Mark. Lovely little nudges to be more explicit. I've attempted to address some of your concerns.

appreciated

matty

Offline indar

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Re: Ignored (revision2)
« Reply #4 on: December 11, 2017, 02:25:51 PM »
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/41074.The_Sheep_Look_Up

The most recent revision reminded me of a book I read in the early eighties The Sheep Look Up I believe the title is taken from Christian Scripture.

I am liking this one more and more with each revision. "rain happy stream" a standout image. I want to ask why the nouns "sheep" and "birds" weren't used in the first place. I understand poetry is best when it is ambiguous but not intentionally opaque for the sake of seeming poetic.

Offline matty11

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Re: Ignored (revision2)
« Reply #5 on: December 11, 2017, 03:58:01 PM »
Quote
I want to ask why the nouns "sheep" and "birds" weren't used in the first place. I understand poetry is best when it is ambiguous but not intentionally opaque for the sake of seeming poetic.

Thanks Indar. I suspect my primary motivation was the sound of gate/grazer; my secondary was to thread those who eat grass and those that eat those who eat grass! A primal thread.

Of course neither poetic nor prosaic are wanted. The ambition to freshen the familiar can result in poetic and obscure, but not to risk being inventive can result in prosaic. I roll dice.

sheep/birds may survive, though I prefer the specific rather than the generic - the birds I saw were Dippers, the sheep were Torddu.

all the best

matty
« Last Edit: December 11, 2017, 04:00:22 PM by matty11 »

Offline indar

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Re: Ignored (revision2)
« Reply #6 on: December 12, 2017, 10:21:12 AM »
neither poetic nor prosaic are wanted.

I take your point. I tend to err on the prosaic side.