Author Topic: I'll Stay  (Read 456 times)

Offline reynaspoerl

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I'll Stay
« on: December 05, 2017, 10:14:34 PM »
I used to write quite a bit when I was young and I've just sort of started again. Just wanted to get some feedback on the  "poem" I wrote. Please be honest. If I didn't want to know, i wouldn't ask.

I'll Stay

Iím not tired but Iíll sleep
Iím not hungry but Iíll eat
Iíll not happy but Iíll smile
I would  rather go but Iíll stay for a while

If you want me to.

Whatever it is that you want me to do.
You always know, Iíll do it for you.

For all the ways Iíve loved you, Iíve failed at every one
Iíve been everything you said you wanted but you hate everything Iíve become

I donít go to the places that I used to go but now there are new places you that you donít like.

And when I sing the song you used to love, you tell me that they are not beautiful when I sing them.

I compose stories of love and romance but the truth is so  much different.
For everything Iíve given you, youíve so much more.

First you took my peace of mind with words of love so sweet and lots of pretty promises you didnít mean to keep.

Foolishly, I still gave you my heart though I knew you would tear it apart.
I found the pieces lying on the ground and finally knew that I was breaking down.

Now, I find myself trying to hold onto my soul but I feel you pulling it away.
Itís a fight I most definitely will lose but I canít bring myself to walk away.

I have never known your love but I canít stop trying.
Youíve wrecked me and I know the damage is done
.... but Iíll stay.

Iíll stay.

Online Tom 10

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Re: I'll Stay
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2017, 03:51:18 PM »
Hi reynaspoerl,

There is so much emotion in the writing of this poem.  The Narrator seems obsessively dependent on the object of the poem -- the "you" to whom the poem is addressed.  And that person is presented as some combination of manipulative, sadistic and indifferent.   It is hard to empathize with the Narrator because there is nothing remotely likable about the "you".  Which leaves this reader simply feeling sorry for the Narrator's plight, but also feeling that it is the Narrator's fault for not walking away from something so obviously unhealthy.  So that's my reaction to the substance.

Other observations --

You have kept the poem on track and have decent organization.  The rough rhyme in the last third of the poem is a little heavy handed and stands out because it is isolated. 

While the poem reads more like a letter (not necessarily a bad thing) it has an identifiable opening, middle and closing.  The cadences are well done, and it is easy to read.

While the reader is brought along, the narrative is strong on telling and less so in showing.  You might want to find some descriptive details to carry more of the load, to give us more texture.  You may also want to give this a context -- the narrative, I think, is happening in the N's mind.  What is s/he doing while thinking this?  Watching "you" load the car, or dance with someone else, or perhaps N. has paused while grocery shopping to consider whether to buy food for one or for two. 

I know these example are cheesy, but some additional context would strengthen the reader's opportunity to identify with the Narrator, which at this point, is not happening.

Just my thoughts, and just trying to be helpful - use what's helpful if anything, toss the rest.

And a belated welcome to MWC.  I hope you like it here.


Offline tes

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Re: I'll Stay
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2017, 04:40:02 AM »
I too am I starting up on writing so I canít give any criticism (also i have none). I just wanted to say that this touched my soul.