Author Topic: Flux  (Read 1151 times)

Offline Mark T

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Flux
« on: December 05, 2017, 02:29:04 PM »



A different sun was my grindstone
of days. I remember a drunkard
raving at the skies, mad-eyed.
 
I chose a forest road to escape
black-frost lakes, rusted gates
and petals Id pressed in haste.
 
A blood moon rose in the dust
behind me, swirled with furies
in eerie pursuit of recognition.   

Her lonely house stands askew
with neglect and derelict light
webbed in threads of poverty.
 
Her tarot eyes linger on my
heartbeat, fingertips on lips.
Outside, a cold star inhales.





SharonLeigh

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Re: Flux
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2017, 02:50:04 PM »
This is gorgeous, atmospheric and dream-like. An abundance of embedded rhyme & assonance make it a pleasure to read, both internally and aloud, however becomes just a tiny tad intrusive in S2, imo, with the strong end rhymes standing out since not employed in the other stanzas. Especially love the final line, a crisp, sharp conclusion. Very much enjoyed

Ps, intended tense change from S's 1-3 past & 4-5 present? Loved how it read in my mind when I read it as whole thing present :)

Offline Mark T

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Re: Flux
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2017, 03:14:58 PM »

Thanks again. It is a revision of an oldish piece from 2014, where the tense structure was contiguous. Here, the behavior has receded but the interaction between the characters remains more, vivid, I guess.
I saw that plumb line of rhyme but sometimes I'm helpless against my fetish for engineering line lengths.  ::)
The context of the poem is that I was heavily grief-struck, suddenly living alone in the mountains, and with just one (insomniac) friend who didn't mind me banging on her door after midnight.

SharonLeigh

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Re: Flux
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2017, 03:31:56 PM »
That is fascinating... I never imagined its concrete context, its wonderfully wrought & feels like storytelling, which I guess it is in a way. The lonliness and grief come through very strong.  Your control makes for a pleasure to read. Sure hope things are better for you these days.

Offline Mark T

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Re: Flux
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2017, 03:47:40 PM »

It was a difficult time. I wrote a lot of poems including this one on the first anniversary, which was kind of a suicide note. I climbed the tree with a noosed rope but didn't do it.
She wouldn't have approved, I guess. I chickened out.
Things are much better these days. I have a new life with a new partner and feel fortunate in many ways.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=54804.msg1011182#msg1011182

SharonLeigh

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Re: Flux
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2017, 04:46:34 PM »
Oh wow... I am so glad you chickened out! There was so much more in store for you as you discovered. And I really felt the "quicksilver adrenaline" in the poem you linked. Strong writing, as always.

Offline drab

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Re: Flux
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2017, 09:22:29 PM »
Wonderful stuff Mark.
Especially loved
'A blood moon rose in the dust
behind me, swirled with furies
in eerie pursuit of recognition'
There's so much information here...how difficult the change can be.
Very strong writing.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline indar

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Re: Flux
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2017, 10:17:02 AM »
WOW

Offline Mark T

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Re: Flux
« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2017, 06:51:02 PM »

Thanks for reading and kind comments, Sharon, drab and Linda. Only a few tweaks to the original except S4 which was added yesterday.   

Offline duck

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Re: Flux
« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2017, 07:39:21 AM »
A very personal and intense poem Mark and an intense story behind it. Good decision to stay with us and to continue writing.
Dave

Offline matty11

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Re: Flux
« Reply #10 on: December 08, 2017, 09:46:54 AM »
Hi Mark,
         Echo the sentiments of the others - I know that border between destructive/creative. Especially liked elements in the concluding stanza: the tarot eyes; cold star inhales.

Quote
I chose a forest road to escape
black-frost lakes, rusted locks
and petals Id pressed in haste. 

Maybe an option to water down the chimes.

Quote
Her webbed house stands askew
with neglect and derelict light
lonely in threads of poverty.

An option to shuffle the modifiers?

best

matty
« Last Edit: December 08, 2017, 09:55:28 AM by matty11 »

Offline indar

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Re: Flux
« Reply #11 on: December 08, 2017, 01:02:14 PM »
 I remember a drunkard
raving at the skies, mad-eyed.

One of those in my background as well. I also have individuals to be thankful to for "escape". How many others find the help they need in some unlikely mentor? Sometimes its magic. Wonderful tribute to yours Mark.

Offline Mark T

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Re: Flux
« Reply #12 on: December 08, 2017, 06:42:52 PM »

Thanks for comments, dave, matty and linda.

Offline DTF

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Re: Flux
« Reply #13 on: December 09, 2017, 07:14:25 PM »
I only wish my words could be expressed like this

Dansinger

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Re: Flux
« Reply #14 on: December 10, 2017, 05:07:52 AM »
This is beautiful.
Both sad and peaceful at once.

I especially like S4

Her lonely house stands askew
with neglect and derelict light
webbed in threads of poverty.