Author Topic: rhythm of the ages  (Read 526 times)

Offline duck

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rhythm of the ages
« on: December 04, 2017, 10:30:32 AM »
Rock and roll thuds on stretched skin
have given way to a lilt of violins,
a steady stroll of lakeside piano through dispersing forest,

and my voice
offers only cracked hums now,
reaches no further than my chilled breath.

I ignore the bleating lamb ringtone
for fear it is from the other side

again,
one second passes,
again,
between each baa, or maa
another second
until it stops.

Days follow tramlines stretched across space,
my feet rise and fall arioso and cadenza,
the world moves allegro
while I settle into allagando regrets.

Offline indar

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Re: rhythm of the ages
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2017, 11:03:03 AM »
I laughed the laugh of recognition through the first 3 stanzas. Not certain about S4 perhaps it lingers overlong on the ringtone. Perhaps the intention is to set up a sense of impending doom. But the final S doesn't meet expectations either with the sense of fun from first stanza and yet not a sudden turn as predicted by the phone call "from the other side"

On the whole I enjoyed the read, (life set to music) but want something more at the end. Give me some Beethoven ;D

Offline duck

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Re: rhythm of the ages
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2017, 12:58:48 PM »
How right you are insane. This is a poem not convinced of myself and needs a rethink

Offline Mark T

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Re: rhythm of the ages
« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2017, 01:49:08 PM »

The first line seemed to sag in the middle, which then lead to feeling there was one modifier too many in the rest of S1.

Rock and roll thuds on stretched skin
have given way to a lilt of violins,
a steady stroll of lakeside piano through dispersing forest,


also something with the sonics here, can't quite put my finger on it -unless it was the avoidance of an ing word.

and my voice
offers only cracked hums now,
reaches no further than my chilled breath.



Think I'd just cut this lot below - or at least the second bit.

I ignore the bleating lamb ringtone
for fear it is from the other side

again,
one second passes,
again,
between each baa, or maa
another second
until it stops.

Here the poem feels like it finally found a gear - nice and pacey, smooth.

Days follow tramlines stretched across space,
my feet rise and fall arioso and cadenza,
the world moves allegro
while I settle into allagando regrets.


Quick tweak

Rock and roll on stretched skin
has given way to a lilt of violins,
a steady stroll of lakeside piano
dispersed through misted forest,

and my breath, chilled and cracked,
offering only raw humming now,
reaches no further than my voice.

I ignore the bleating lamb ringtone
for fear it is from the other side

Days follow tramlines stretched across space,
my feet rise and fall arioso and cadenza,
the world moves allegro
while I settle into allagando regrets.

SharonLeigh

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Re: rhythm of the ages
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2017, 12:45:43 AM »
Liking this, duck, the soundtrack to the advancement of years. Fwiw I really like Mark's quick edit, much smoother in my opinion. Enjoyed

Offline duck

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Re: rhythm of the ages
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2017, 05:06:38 AM »
Thanks Sharon and most especially Mark. i agree entirely with Sharon that you have indeed turned this into what could be referred to as a coherent poem. Thanks so much.
Dave