Author Topic: Be Golden [revision]  (Read 1065 times)

Offline Tom 10

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Be Golden [revision]
« on: November 29, 2017, 10:39:23 AM »

    Be
« Last Edit: September 04, 2018, 05:22:30 PM by Tom 10 »

Offline indar

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2017, 11:02:10 AM »
the sun all golden on honey: beautiful--with ants. The metaphor is perfect. The golden era of yore was not all that golden. Spilled honey is sticky-icky and does attract ants eeew. And yet--what on God's green earth is ahead of us? Nothing that going back to the past will help for sure. This fits the actual purpose of a parable to a T :) If, in contemplating it, one's head doesn't start to spin---think harder. Wonderful write.

Offline matty11

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2017, 02:18:44 PM »
Hi Tom,
         Sparse and effective, the structure of repetitions reinforced the progression from maybe to no way. I did feel the enjambment of couplets 2-4 was not evident in S1...

Quote
Maybe honey drips
and spreads across the floor.

A thought to slow the expression down, define the time lapse of drips/spreads.

best

matty

Offline Mark T

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2017, 04:07:02 PM »

Mm. Sparse is maybe not the right word I'm looking for... more like just enough, the thinner side of lean. Normally I'd grumble about the slight grammatical disconnect in S2 but this has its own charm and the way S4 ends with such a metaphorical flourish carries a sense of wonder almost but let's say satisfaction.

I love this type of simple homily-expressiveness that reduces complexity. In my conversation, I sometimes refer to 'goatherd logic', which term, as an example of itself, requires no explanation.  ;D

Enjoyed this golden delight, Ty.     

Offline drab

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2017, 08:51:25 PM »
The second law of thermodynamics sweetly said  ;D
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2017, 10:01:16 AM »
Indar, thanks for the kind comments.

Matty - my last edit on this was cutting the 'and' you suggest.  'across' is also a good substitute, standing on its own.  I hesitate concerning your proposed S.1 - it reads beautifully, but opens the poem with a cadence the poem can't sustain.  Without contortion, I can't make the poem from trochies and iambs.  I know they roll off your tongue.  :)   Thanks for reading and commenting.

Mark - prior drafts had S.2 L.1 object - surround the spectacle , but I cut it, because it looked like a spectacle all on its own.  Goat logic, got it. ;D

drab - I really tried.  But entropy net zero isn't registering on my aging brain.  Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

T


Offline duck

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #6 on: November 30, 2017, 10:20:47 AM »
I love this in every respect except drips being immediately followed by spreads even if there is a line break. Oh boy doubts and certainties - the human condition.
Great Tom

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #7 on: November 30, 2017, 11:30:28 AM »
Thank you, Dave.  This grew out of a poetry challenge entry draft.  Lesson to everyone - get in the poetry challenges.  :)


T

Offline indar

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #8 on: November 30, 2017, 06:14:59 PM »
What kind of strange thing is going on? I keep getting a topic alert for "Be Golden" posted by Tom---its the same post over and over---is this happening to anyone else?

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #9 on: November 30, 2017, 06:24:13 PM »
You really have to love the software updates to this site - things are getting so much better.  ::)

Seriously, I think the upgrades are needed to make the Spam Wars more winnable.  But what do I know, nobody tells me anything.  I have minor formatting problems since the upgrades, some folks are having major, major problems. 

Not sure what to suggest.  Sorry

T

Offline indar

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2017, 06:32:11 PM »
Maybe just by answering you've broken the cycle or whatever it is. I worry about MWC would hate to lose it.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #11 on: November 30, 2017, 06:41:13 PM »
So would I. 

Poetry Circle has changed ownership and some of the regulars there are having conniptions, and some have stormed off after hissy-fit postings.  Perhaps that is too harsh for those more emotionally invested in the site.

The moral, though, is make sure you keep copies of everything you write because you can't count on this site being a permanent repository.  And if you want to keep some of Sparky's poetry advice, some goes for that too.

T   

Offline Gyppo

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2017, 11:09:28 AM »
What kind of strange thing is going on? I keep getting a topic alert for "Be Golden" posted by Tom---its the same post over and over---is this happening to anyone else?

There's stuff happening deep in the 'guts' of the forum which is probably a result of the so-called upgrades.  Probably little incompatibilities between the old software and the newer stuff.  Nothing we members can do about it, sadly.

The most noticeable effect is a constant stream of SPAM messages, mostly Russian, not many of which turn up in the poetry boards compared to elsewhere, which may be lulling you lot into a false sense of security.  Our friendly moderators are literally spending hours manually deleting junk which the 'improved' filters should be killing off automatically.

Poetry Circle has changed ownership and some of the regulars there are having conniptions, and some have stormed off after hissy-fit postings.  Perhaps that is too harsh for those more emotionally invested in the site.

The moral, though, is make sure you keep copies of everything you write because you can't count on this site being a permanent repository.  And if you want to keep some of Sparky's poetry advice, some goes for that too.

These are indeed dark days Tom, although the light hasn't yet gone out.

Tom's point about keeping your own back-ups is a very good one.  Especially for anyone who actually composes their posts in the posting window.  Over the years I've seen numerous posts which start with 'I had composed a lovely reply but then lost it when my computer disconnected from the circle for some reason'.

Write on your own machine then copy and paste into the
posting window.  That way you'll still have your own copy if or when The Circle rolls belly up and dies.  It only takes few seconds longer.

I suspect that those who work mostly  on their 'smart' phones see everything as transient.

Gyppo

My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Mark T

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #13 on: December 01, 2017, 02:05:37 PM »

All a bit sketchy, imo. And something of a coincidence that Poetry Circle is under new management too. How do these sites make money for the owners, anyway? And if it's not about the money, what is it about? 

Offline indar

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Re: Be Golden [revision]
« Reply #14 on: December 01, 2017, 02:17:50 PM »
I thought this site was run by a self-publishing business and maybe related endeavors. Mark, weren't you one of the people behind publishing the joint effort of the book As the Kettle Wolf Whistles? Wasn't that done through the publishing end of this site? I wonder if the new owners took over all aspects of this site.