Author Topic: After rain  (Read 428 times)

Offline duck

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After rain
« on: November 14, 2017, 08:50:08 AM »
The finger presses just so much as to redden,
to ease pain into post pain, a kind of pleasure,
like the smell after rain.

In November darkness
bookends shortened days
of grey matter dissected by geese.
It seems nothing can induce light.

Walking on cracks attracts death.
Every child knows that.
Or lava flow, or earthquakes, or just thoughts
falling astray.  Cars insist on speed,
define our loneliness as movement in open space .

November goes nowhere fast
It canít be tempted to celebrate,
neither grow nor decay; it clings.
Spider webs suddenly appear on hedgerows,
deer tracks press into a forest path
and a joke on a calendar remains untold.
« Last Edit: November 16, 2017, 05:58:38 AM by duck »

Offline duck

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Re: After rain
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2017, 09:51:44 AM »
I apologise for the four versions and the apparent self-love that led me to hog the boards. Something went badly wrong with the saving of this poem and I need someone to cancel 3 of them. Thanks if a mod is reading.
Dave

SharonLeigh

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Re: After rain
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2017, 10:42:48 AM »
Hi Dave. I really like this wrap of petrichor, perfect capture and vehicle. I like that the muted lonliness is almost welcomed by n. Especially liking S4, almost a poem unto itself. S1 seems off, imo, doesn't quite fit the tone of the piece, and I wasn't quite sure what the finger was pressing, or why (back muscle massage/treatment?) or how it was important to the poem (might be just me of course.) I do see as where the pressing is echoed later by the deer tracks though. Overall though, lovely, evocative... very much enjoyed!

Sharon

Offline Gyppo

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Re: After rain
« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2017, 10:50:39 AM »
I agree that verse 4 is a poem in itself.  November encapsulated in a few lines.

Good to see you around again, Sharon.
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline indar

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Re: After rain
« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2017, 01:29:18 PM »
Really, I think S4 is best read in context of the entire poem starting with the self-inflicted pain in the first lines--the pain-pleasure that is. Somehow I relate to this as I remember my own feelings about the onset of winter--a sad nostalgia much like nostalgia/memory brought on by the smell of rain (I've read nothing triggers memory more than the olefactory sense). I don't understand the reason for the enjambment L4 to L5. the word "smell" sitting there by itself at the end of the line was jarring to me. But that is a small matter compared to the intent.

I guess this poem is set in a part of the world where the geese fly south in November---their departure, the sound of their flying overhead, in that rain that lingers from S2 invokes more of the senses--and perhaps a little sense of abandonment. Grey matter works so well taken both as how the geese affects the mind and as a description of the environment.

"step on a crack--break your mother's back" was the saying I remember from childhood and indeed I went through a period of time when I avoided breaking my mother's back. Funny how those things stay with us and there can be a sense of impending doom possibly brought on by some wrong action perceived but unrelated. And how this relates to the whole of the poem I'm not certain but it seems November is a time for reflection. The car demanding speed as if the driver is somehow out of control heightens the idea of the possibility off disaster brought on by some unknown action.

And the conclusion is, as others have commented beautiful.

I love this poem


Offline duck

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Re: After rain
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2017, 05:55:56 AM »
Thank you for all the comments and positive advice. I will post a shortened version just for the sake of the exercise and see what happens. lovely to have you back Sharon.
Dave

Offline Tom 10

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Re: After rain
« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2017, 03:56:06 PM »
Sorry, I couldn't wait for the revision.  I like the depths to which the Narrator wades into November.  The descriptions are genuine and succinct. 

I do feel sorry for the N., as I don't personally share his view of November.  It's one of my favorite months -- at my house we celebrate both Thanksgiving and my birthday. :)  It's a rather festive time, and it ushers in the winter with the first snowfalls, as we start gearing up for Christmas.  Birthday cake, four day weekend, turkey, snowball fights, Christmas lists -- what's not to like? ;D ;D

I admit that if November here was as lifeless and bleak as described, then I would be depressed as well.

Nice writing Dave.

T
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Offline Mark T

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Re: After rain
« Reply #7 on: November 16, 2017, 11:55:26 PM »

A splendid piece. I think you could lose S1 without any harm. I love the descriptions in this - original but clear. A rather well-written poem, Dave.

Offline duck

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Re: After rain
« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2017, 04:57:00 AM »
Hi Tom
Well today the weather here in Hamburg is gorgeous, clear blue skies and full of vibrant fall colours but sometimes November falls into a greyness in which all life seems stagnant. Actually we seldom get snow until February or March if at all so it is month trapped between summer and Christmas. Thanksgiving is not a big thing and anyway harvets came in in August/September. The relgious holidays all have names like Dead Sunday and Atonement and Prayer day, not exactly cheerful. Big buisness now forces us to buy our way into Christmas from early November, which for me is just depressing.
Thanks Mark, yes the first stanza can go indeed.
Dave

Offline drab

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Re: After rain
« Reply #9 on: November 17, 2017, 05:40:14 AM »
Fab poem duck.
I especially love S2.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: After rain
« Reply #10 on: November 17, 2017, 01:01:03 PM »
Hi Tom
Well today the weather here in Hamburg is gorgeous, clear blue skies and full of vibrant fall colours but sometimes November falls into a greyness in which all life seems stagnant. Actually we seldom get snow until February or March if at all so it is month trapped between summer and Christmas. Thanksgiving is not a big thing and anyway harvets came in in August/September. The relgious holidays all have names like Dead Sunday and Atonement and Prayer day, not exactly cheerful. Big buisness now forces us to buy our way into Christmas from early November, which for me is just depressing.
Thanks Mark, yes the first stanza can go indeed.
Dave


Glad you've got some sunshine.  Your poem well-documents the (intermittent) bleakness.  If a celebration would cheer you up, feel free to celebrate my birthday - you can send presents or cash.  It's a service I provide. ;D
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