Author Topic: Quick sense check - is it confusing?  (Read 1184 times)

Offline Shortcross

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 435
  • Carpeing the hell out of this diem
    • View Profile
Re: Quick sense check - is it confusing?
« Reply #15 on: November 18, 2017, 05:41:47 AM »
Hey Kate. Yep, I knew about the murmuration thing, and considered using it as the starlings were 'talking' - but I thought it would be too confusing for the reader. (Although, later on in the scene, I do use a 'murder' of crows) :)

I was thinking of posting the rest of it, but it's still all very first drafty and probably is confusing.

Shorty

ETA: Forgot to mention, but this whole scene came about after watching the HBO series 'Rome' a few years ago. In one episode, the main guy (Lucius Vorenus) is reaffirming his marriage vows in a field somewhere, and a flock of birds passes overhead, briefly forming the shape of a skull. I think it was meant to foreshadow the assassination of Caesar, but it stuck in my head, so I nicked it. Funny how little things like that can produce a whole scene!
« Last Edit: November 18, 2017, 05:47:08 AM by Shortcross »

Offline dawnpowell

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 5
    • View Profile
Re: Quick sense check - is it confusing?
« Reply #16 on: November 18, 2017, 06:05:58 AM »
This works for me. You've brought me into your world. The subject and focus on birds is intriguing and uplifting. Reminds me why Gore Vidal referred to Tennessee Williams as 'The Glorious Bird' There was always this sense of soaring and sense of flight. Uplifting, literally, and your piece reads atmospheric. Also, I agree with the comment about your writing coming across as smooth. Very nice. I did not find it confusing, even for such a small snippet. I do not read fantasy but it didn't appear overly melodramatic. Instead, rather fantastical and to the point.


Offline jakuper

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 31
    • View Profile
Re: Quick sense check - is it confusing?
« Reply #17 on: November 23, 2017, 01:39:58 PM »
" It was a gathering the like of which Abbot Goodwin had never seen, and the young monk at his side would soon have to touch the mind of every single bird. "
I try to understand what have I to do with the information that the monk soon have to touch minds of all, But I have no clue. Of course, if I continue to read, i find out. But while reading -- I was mixed up. I believe that throwing things like this, that you cannot imagine them, much before you explain them doesn't give anything. There is no antisipation as I don't know that I have to wait for something.

Maybe latter in the story you explain why there is a need for such an act, but during the piece you presented, I couldn't find any answer.

As the story, it is beginning good. Yet, after one page of reading I would like to know or at least to begin to guess where you are taking the story. But here you don't help in this :)

Offline Shortcross

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 435
  • Carpeing the hell out of this diem
    • View Profile
Re: Quick sense check - is it confusing?
« Reply #18 on: November 27, 2017, 07:29:44 AM »
Thanks Dawn and Jakuper.

@Jakuper - maybe it's confusing as it's just a snippet (not the whole chapter), but thanks for the feedback! Perhaps I'll put an explanatory line in there...

Shorty

P.s ironically, this chapter is no longer the opener. It's been shifted back a bit...

Dansinger

  • Guest
Re: Quick sense check - is it confusing?
« Reply #19 on: December 09, 2017, 04:02:20 PM »
You pulled me in. Not confusing at all.
I like your style. You certainly have a way with words.

Of course I wonder why the acolyte has to touch the minds of all these birds, but that's exactly what you want to achieve. It's the one of reasons for reading on. I want to find out.

As far as descriptions of the characters is concerned, it doesn't bother me that you don't provide a physical description. just as long as you drop a clue here and there, I'll be able to get there all by myself. I share you fear of physically describing my characters. That, and I don't see the need, since it's their minds and their actions that really count.

Offline Oceaxe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 525
    • View Profile
Re: Quick sense check - is it confusing?
« Reply #20 on: December 12, 2017, 04:33:12 PM »
Hi Shortcross. Been away for a bit a need to sharpen my critical faculty.

Fantasy is my bęte noir because it always sounds (to me) overblown and melodramatic. If this is an opening I'm looking for a character I can hang on to and, personally, I would soft pedal the magical stuff. Character development is all because if the reader doesn't like the main man, or woman, then everything else is lost.

Tell me more about the lad and make me care what happens to him.
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (1865–1939)

Offline Shortcross

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 435
  • Carpeing the hell out of this diem
    • View Profile
Re: Quick sense check - is it confusing?
« Reply #21 on: December 13, 2017, 03:48:35 PM »
Thanks Dan and Oceaxe (and welcome back!)

It's not for everyone, I guess (fantasy) and it does tend towards the melodramatic...

Cheers

Shorty