Strength of a Blurb

[MJTennant]

Hello all

Please could you let me know if you think this extracted line from a short romance story I am writing is strong enough for the beginning of my book blurb.  I wanted one line of dialogue which provides the reader with a hint of the conflict which occurs between the two main characters.  But I want it to pack a punch but not give too much away.  This line will stand alone and then the blurb will fall under it.  (The line itself may sound a little cliché, but I am writing to a specific formula (if that makes sense).

"Your mind may hate me but your body says otherwise."

I would really welcome any feedback.  Does this give you a solid suggestion as to what the book will be about?

Thank you so much in advance.

M J x

[sallyj]

Hi MJ - I think the word 'may' weakens the sentence a little & possibly takes away the punch.

'Your mind hates me but your body says otherwise' might be stronger.

[hillwalker3000]

Agreed. 'may' is woolly and there's also the unintentional rhyme with 'says'.

H3K

[Jo Bannister]

Hate to say it, MJ, but I don't think this is your biggest problem.  The quote is such a cliche, I can't imagine it selling your book for you, which is what you need a jacket blurb to do. 

I like the idea of starting with reported speech, but surely you can find something a little less predictable?  Remember, you're trying to make your book stand out from all the others on the shelf.

All this says to me is, there's sex in there somewhere but the writer doesn't have a distinctive voice.  I can take (or leave) the sex, but not the blandness.

I think you should take another look at it.

[MJTennant]

Hello Guys

Thanks so much for your suggestions, I totally agree with you.

I agree the line is very cliché but it's for Mills and Boon you see and the stories in the series I am writing for can be quite predictable (the target audience love a sure thing if that makes sense).  Will definitely have another look at it.

Thanks again.

M J x