Author Topic: I know it's a short scene. Please give me feedback.  (Read 483 times)

Offline Hunter

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I know it's a short scene. Please give me feedback.
« on: October 27, 2017, 09:43:47 PM »

  EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES (ALLEY) - DAY
 
  Tyler hears the hum of an engine approaching from behind. He turns to
  look and jumps out of the path of a speeding motorcycle.

  He turns back around, looking through the sights of the gun to see if the
  Wind Cutter is still chasing him.

  He hears commotion behind him and turns back around and sees ANOTHER
  Wind Cutter CHARGING toward him at full force. He SHOOTS it.

  Tyler continues to run, shooting any alien that comes in sight.

  An EXPLOSION on the ground, about 7 feet away from him, knocks his ass on
  to the building wall next to him.

  He's unhurt for the moment and JUMPS back to his feet.

Offline hillwalker3000

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Re: I know it's a short scene. Please give me feedback.
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2017, 04:29:47 AM »
The word 'pointless' springs to mind. It's not a script. It is indeed a very short scene that could easily qualify as prose, but meaningless without context or characterisation. Someone is being chased by aliens and is shooting at them. What on earth do you expect us to say???

H3K

Offline Hunter

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Re: I know it's a short scene. Please give me feedback.
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2017, 12:36:32 PM »
This scene is continuous to another scene.
So yes, he is being chased. I forgot to put (CONTINUOUS)
in the slugline. So no, it's not "Pointless."

Offline Hunter

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Re: I know it's a short scene. Please give me feedback.
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2017, 09:06:13 PM »
The word 'pointless' springs to mind. It's not a script. It is indeed a very short scene that could easily qualify as prose, but meaningless without context or characterisation. Someone is being chased by aliens and is shooting at them. What on earth do you expect us to say???
H3K


And yes it is a script. It's a continuous scene/ snippet of my script. So it's not meaningless or pointless.  Thanks.

Artemis Quark

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Re: I know it's a short scene. Please give me feedback.
« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2017, 12:09:19 PM »
For a script, it has too much set up info, IMO. Describing the action in such detailed, blow-by-blow fashion leaves nothing for the Director. Show us some dialog. If the MC is alone, maybe some thought voice over? Anything to flesh this out enough for us to comment on the content. Good luck, Hunter.

AQ

Offline Hunter

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Re: I know it's a short scene. Please give me feedback.
« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2017, 10:42:45 PM »
This is just a small part of a large action sequence.

There is some dialogue before and after this scene.

Thanks.

Artemis Quark

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Re: I know it's a short scene. Please give me feedback.
« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2017, 06:51:41 PM »
Then post some of itmif you want meaningful feedback, Hunter. Why the slow drip?

Offline Tahari

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Re: I know it's a short scene. Please give me feedback.
« Reply #7 on: December 11, 2017, 07:34:05 PM »
There's not really enough reference to the events going on to provide comment for.  We know nothing of the situation.  Are the characters the protagonist is fighting evil alien invaders?  Is the character not the protagonist, but actually an antagonist criminal fighting the legitimate alien authorities?  Maybe he's desperately fighting through the chaos of the situation to make it to his romantic love interest, or his mother, or his dog.  Really we have no way of knowing what is going on. 

I may only be a newbie, but from what I've read it is a screenwriter's job to create the who, what, and why - not get bogged down in details the director will probably change a million times anyways.

Offline Oceaxe

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Re: I know it's a short scene. Please give me feedback.
« Reply #8 on: December 14, 2017, 02:42:31 PM »
As others have said, this is too little to comment on sensibly. We have no idea of character or plot beyond the in-progress shoot-out.

I'm not trying to dis you but you have to be more professional about submitting work.
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (18651939)