Author Topic: Sometimes the internet lures me to 'The Dark Side of the Farce'.  (Read 317 times)

Offline Gyppo

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   The complaints below were allegedly sent to Thomas Cook Travel.

    I believe Thomas Cook is an English firm.  These people have earned the right to a proper 'robust' English response.  Here's my take on it.


1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

    Reply:  No bugger made you eat it, did they?  You could have stuffed your suitcase with pork pies, custard cream or ginger nut biscuits, and other proper English ethnic foods.  This is the correct way to deal with foreign travel.

2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

    Reply:  Give over.  If you weren't an obese specimen crammed into sausage-skin-tight multi-coloured Lycra he wouldn't be desperately looking around to protect his eyesight would he?  We've seen the videos and received complaints about you.  You're just upset because every morning the German children threw towels on you thinking they were reserving a place on the bouncy castle.

3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

    Reply:  It could have been worse.  Norwegian taxi drivers charge around as if they're chasing whales.  Usually with harpoons on the roof rack.  Or a dead Orca dripping all over the place.

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

    Reply:  You're the kind of people who expect all-in-service to provide someone to wipe your arse for you as well.  What will you do when the promised paper-free world really strikes?

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

    Reply:  Sand makes a very useful abrasive cleaner.  Like Ajax but more so.  You should have saved it for home use later.  Waste not, want not.

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

    Reply:  You're the kind of moron who mistakes screen savers for games aren't you?  Then gets mad when they can't get past the first level.

7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”

    Reply:  You no more need to buy during siesta time than you need to use a gallon of diesel to buy a cucumber at the out of town shopping centre on a Sunday at home.  Take a jug of Sangria and a nap, the world will be back on its axis when you wake up.

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

    Reply:  Be grateful there's still fish.  Even the European Economic Community inshore waters fishery-rapists haven't managed to transfer them all to the supermarket freezers yet.  Tell your pathetic little brats to man up.  Remind them not all fish come from bloody Waitrose.

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

    Reply:  They only provide egg-slicers for guests they think are mentally unstable and shouldn't be trusted with sharp knives.  You obviously fooled them this time.  What's your secret?

10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

    Reply:  See reply one.  English ethnic foods should be in your own luggage.  Never leave home without an adequate supply.  But never take Oreos when visiting Alabama, as they maybe considered racially insensitive.

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

    Reply:  Maybe you should have looked out through the window and enjoyed the view.  You could then have read to tour guide whilst not eating your curry, paella, or whatever 'foreign muck' they were serving you.

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

    Reply:  That's down to the way plate tectonics have divided up the world.  Well outside our sphere of influence.  We can only work with what's there.

     But just think, they're only three hours away from hurricanes, earthquakes, riots, and Donald Trump.  Our little grey rock in The North Sea is practically indestructible.  Look on the bright side.  Even if it's a bright grey.  Apart from which who said life was going to be fair?  This is a rhetorical question.  Look it up on-line if uncertain as to the meaning.

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

    Reply:  You are correct.  This is an amazing breakthrough for customer intelligence.  We are so impressed we are offering you a free trip to the same suite at the same resort, just to confirm nothing has changed in the interim,

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

    Reply:  If that's how you interpreted the brochure then why did you go there?  I suppose if you went to a camp site you'd expect it to be full of limp-wristed types with Art Garfunkle hair.

15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

    Reply:  Just as well you didn't go to Japan then.  If you can't understand this reply we have a special offer on Japanese trips, so you can see for yourself.

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

    Reply:  I expect some enterprising little foreigner stole the parts to keep the ferry running.  If not your exposure to the real world would have been even more extended.

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

    Reply:  We try.  We really try.  But we cannot tell from the booking forms.  As an example you appeared intelligent.

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

    Reply:  Sorry, sometimes there truly is just a small bug in the system.

19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

    Reply:  If he can't keep his dick in his pyjamas for a few hours overnight then may we respectfully suggest you cancel the forthcoming honeymoon.  He's bound to screw the waitresses and chambermaids, and possibly even the pool boys too.

      How do we know this?  We showed your passport photo around the office and the general consensus is that if he can get you pregnant then it will be open season after the wedding.


    Is it any surprise I can't keep a job in any travel firm's complaints department?


« Last Edit: September 14, 2017, 02:40:59 AM by Gyppo »
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Re: Sometimes the internet lures me to 'The Dark Side of the Farce'.
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2017, 05:47:05 PM »
Thanks for the laugh, Gyppo. Quite entertaining.