Author Topic: Society of Fire - Short Story (1210 words)  (Read 1459 times)


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Re: Society of Fire - Short Story (1210 words)
« Reply #15 on: August 29, 2017, 04:00:49 AM »
Another alternative for you Tony.  You use 'myself' twice and I didn't really care for the opening sentence eg

And I find myself in twisted metal contemplating my fate.  What had gone wrong I asked myself. 

How about an edit?

Among twisted metal I contemplated my fate.

 Delete the next sentence and here is why.

At this stage it is obvious that something had gone wrong.  You are contemplating your fate because of the accident.  So I am thinking perhaps in a way you are kind of repeating yourself.

I tend to do this and when my editor comes back with the results of the edit, I realise how I can lose a lot of words by not reiterating what I have written before.  If you want to write something that creates impact then say what you want to say and leave it alone.

What do you think? 

Lin  :D


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Re: Society of Fire - Short Story (1210 words)
« Reply #16 on: November 08, 2017, 12:44:24 PM »
I'm not a Negative Nancy, so I'll jump to the positives, and then the soft critiques. First, I enjoy the fact that you've written such a tremendous amount of stories. That admirable. I also love the lack of passive phrases, along with the short usage of adverbs. Using either of them in a large quantity is a sign of a novice writer. So, well done. There were also zero hard to read/understand sentences, so good work in that regard.

Now, let's address the problem. The first sentence is rubbed me the wrong way because you use the word "And". It made me wonder what has happened before the sentence, or start to the story. Also, the story is filled with short sentences, too short. These types of sentences make a story feel too fast-paced and lackluster in quality. To add to this, metaphors are overused and it just gives the impression that you are trying a wee bit too hard, my friend. Besides the metaphors, the story seems very rushed. The main character is giving us too many details at once. It's read like a catalog of items off a shopping list.

However, I am going to stop here and tell you that I am impressed that you've taken the time to write this story. Most people are too lazy to read or write, so it gives me joy that you are trying to enhance your skills. Keep in mind, everyone starts off terrible but through training, a person can become good. For instance, I post several stories on this site and the critics destroy my confidence on a daily basis. But, I know critiques are the only way to help a reader develop his skills. Keep trying, my friend, and I hope you get a chance to read one of my stories. Blessings!


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Re: Society of Fire - Short Story (1210 words)
« Reply #17 on: December 03, 2017, 10:52:47 AM »
When writing in first person you have to avoid being 'remote'.  If you write in the way that says I did this and then I did that, it is not the character telling the story but the reader sees the author writing it.  Not good.

Try to avoid the 'I did'  and let the sentences flow on.  For example, instead of writing thus:   I went to the shop and then I found my friend sitting on a bench.  I sat with her for a moment and then I decide to go into the shop and buy a loaf of bread.  I didn't have enough money.

You could write it like this:  As I crossed the road to the shop, Anna called to me from the doorway. We stood together for a while, discussing her plans for the day. 'I need bread,' she said and fumbled around her purse for the small change.

So in the second example I have turned the story around to avoid using the pronoun 'I' too much.  In this way the story is coming from both sides.

Hope this helps.