Author Topic: Extracts from a 1st draft comedy script for your delectation - feedback please!  (Read 537 times)

Offline caramelcarousel

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EXTRACT 1:

(Brett is sat in the office sat next to Jason)
BRETT
(slides tickets across the desk)
Box suite…
JASON
(reads the tickets briefly)
Urm, yeah, sounds great, cheers Brett, I mean, I’ll have to cancel on Nan’s beef rendang but-
BRETT
(semi-whispered tone)
Not for you Jase, have you not heard? They’re for Sarah. Surprised that little rumour hasn’t got around the office, that she’s er, locked on, like cupid with a sniper.
(smile at Sarah who looks down)
BRETT contd.
Tickets for the lady, I should think I’m cruising for a schmoozing.
JASON
(fist bumps)
(eager)
What a play Brett. When are you giving them to her then?
BRETT
I ain’t. She’ll come and get them. Very important psychologically that she collects them from you. Watch.
(Brett walks over to Sarah)
BRETT
Got something for you in my coat pocket and let me tell you, I think little baby Christ would have enjoyed it much more than frankincense, myrrh… or gold.
(Brett extends arm and finger with a gold ring on over her paperwork)
(Sarah picks up finger and moves it off her work)
SARAH
Brett, I really need to wrap up these research figures by four so…
SARAH’S FRIEND
(bitchy tone)
Yeah this data isn’t going to summarise itself
BRETT
Sometimes mine actually does
SARAH
What
 (Brett realises the ridiculousness of his claim)
BRETT
(slowly backing away)
Anyway, like I say, when you’ve got a moment, my coat pocket, tonight, if you want a show…I’ve said too much, I’ve said too much… (smiling)
(Brett moves back towards Jase)
SARAH’s friend (background)
Creep
JASON
How’d you do Schmoozilla?
BRETT
Well, a little too well maybe, her friend seemed bloody interested, might be a spinning plates job this.
(Cut to the end of the day, Brett is in the loo but Jason is at the desk and Sarah is leaving with her friend)

JASON
Oh Sarah, I think Brett had something for you for tonight
(Sarah and her friend stop walking out look annoyed)
SARAH
Can you pass his coat over please?
JASON
No, you need to come and collect it, it’s very important, psychologically.
(Sarah and her friend look annoyed again. Sarah puts her hand into the Brett’s coat pocket and finds a condom. Jason meanwhile has excitedly gone to get Brett from the loo.)
SARAH
What the fuck, this is what he meant by a show
SARAH’S FRIEND:
As if little baby Jesus would want that too. Sick bastard.
SARAH
I’m not being treated like this, not in this day and age.
(Sarah and her friend walk into the manager’s office.
(in the loo)
JASON
Brett, quick, she’s got the tickets. Aw she’ll be over the moon.
BRETT
Yeah heard a few gasps through here, probably wishing it was one of them aren’t they.
(Brett walks out to see Sarah and her friend leaving. Brett looks confused.)
BRETT
Sarah!?
(Brett’s manager is standing by his door showing his arm in)
BRETT’S MANAGER
Brett, in here now please.
(Brett walks into the office)
MANAGER
Sarah has just come in here, very upset and thrown your ‘little gift’ onto my desk
BRETT
Ooo, not damaged is it, can’t be used then
MANAGER
Brett, this is the last straw with you. I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt, the charity cockfight, the naked sumo-
BRETT
Charity being the key word though
(Brett does scale symbols with either hand)
Fat Pete cries at being put in a nappy (one hand); helping the bald kids at the hospice (one hand). Now, on most scales, Pete wins hands down but not this time.
MANAGER
This language, it’s just another example of behaviour I simply cannot tolerate under my nose. You’ve had enough warnings in the past and this is the final straw.
BRETT
Right, let’s ask everyone then. Bring my ‘little gift’ if that’s what you’re gonna refer to it as.
(Brett walks out in front of everyone. Grabs a spoon of the side and taps a glass but it makes no noise)
BRETT
blocked plastic. Can I ask you all a question, just a second, guys, cheers. If I gave this to you as a gift for tonight, how many would be offended at that. Hold it up.
(Manager holds up the condom in front of everyone. Jason looks shocked. Everyone apart from Fat Pete in the corner puts their hand up.)
BRETT
Come on, I know theatre isn’t what it was but-
(Brett goes to grab the ticket but sees it’s a condom)
BRETT
No, no, this isn’t –
(Office returns back to work, tutting and gossiping and looking at Brett. The manager puts his arm around Brett showing him the exit)
(Brett and Jason head out down the stairs)
[/color]

EXTRACT 2:

Jenson walks through to the kitchen where Brett is reading whilst eating weetabix, Jenson opens up cupboards)
JENSON
What you reading?
BRETT
12 things successful people do before breakfast
JENSON
But it’s lunch now
BRETT
Well it doesn’t say you can’t do them before lunch too.
JENSON
But they probably have another 12 things to do before lunch.
BRETT
Well I’ll pile them up then
JENSON
Does it say you can pile them up?
BRETT
Oh, fuck off.
JENSON
Is that in the 12?
(Jenson can’t find his Weetabix)
I know what isn’t in there, stealing my breakfast. You’ve had the last of it.
BRETT
Basically, is in it actually, a hearty breakfast to start the day.
JENSON
Right, you can come out with me to buy me some breakfast then, and you might see some jobs on the way.
BRETT
I don’t know if I want a job. I’m quite enjoying the creative space sidecar attached to the unemployment van. Sure, I was great at finance
(Jenson walking towards windows)
Sacked
BRETT (contd)
But am I going to find my Shangri-la at the end of a balance statement?
JENSON
Why are these windows open when we’ve got the heating on?
BRETT
I wanted fresh air but I also wanted hot air. Hot fresh air is the aim.
JENSON
Well we can’t afford hot fresh air, especially whilst you’re searching for your ‘Shangri-la’. Come on.
(Jenson and Brett walk past lounge where Jason is to the door)
BRETT
We’re off out Jase, treating Jens to a breakfast
JENSON
Jens?
JASON
(hits pause on remote)
Off out already, keen to get out. Someone’s had their Weetabix. Oh, I had a thought, a party might be good later so I can meet the other flats and all that-
BRETT
Woah now you know I love networking as much as the next man, but me and Jens have considered the whole party thing before and we’re not sure how committed the rest of the block are to the vibe.
JENSON
Don’t ever drag me into a sentence ending in vibe. Without agreeing with his reasons, it just seems a massive hassle so I doubt we will. I’m sure you’ll meet them all eventually anyway.
JASON
Shame but alright, in a bit (hits play on the remote)

EXTRACT 3:

(walks over to Jason trying to connect)
(Jason’s phone rings with the incoming call from Brett who is in the toilet but it’s played on the Bluetooth speaker to the whole party)
BRETT
Hi, Jason, Jase
JASON
I can’t talk right now Brett, let me sort this first –
BRETT
Do not hang up. Do not. I need your help, get me toilet paper. I’ve pissed everywhere and because that snobby cow announced that it was clean before and I went in next, it’s a pretty short blocked game of Cluedo before they work out it was Brett, in the toilet, with his knob… Jase?