Author Topic: Deliberate  (Read 751 times)

Offline Jia Ming

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Deliberate
« on: August 12, 2017, 02:21:49 PM »
Accidental smudge, some scissor-swish
and sawing-ripping: surgically crush-ed.
The finest. Limbs with wings, the jointed-dish!
Do crouch, do touch, all six of them a-shush-ed.
Largest painting. Yellow sploshes: left,
and greenish blotches: top-to-bot, a gush.
They dance (legato uncontrolled): a theft
of Innocence; their spasms scold me: Hush.

Each of she; her tenor-mandibles
I squished, had wished as vicious queens, to birth;
it’s them! Not me, so blame their worthless wriggles
on Time— then let its bowing show’er worth
and grow my lovelies’ heads to castle hives
straight up with meteor lights to dive back life.
« Last Edit: August 14, 2017, 11:54:50 AM by Jia Ming »

Offline indar

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Re: Deliberate
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2017, 06:09:15 PM »
Preying mantis----right? Very interesting writing. I am reminded of Gerard Manley Hopkins--are you inspired by him?

Offline Jia Ming

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Re: Deliberate
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2017, 12:06:54 AM »
Ants rather... "queens"!!! Surprisingly, I've never heard of Hopkins before, till just now.

Offline indar

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Re: Deliberate
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2017, 09:35:26 AM »
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44399/pied-beauty

Offline Mark T

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Re: Deliberate
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2017, 12:37:44 PM »

Another dynamic piece - interesting voice being developed, just keep it as separate as a stir-fry and don't descend into mulligan stews - it's on the edge of cohesion and coherence as it is.

The first stanza had me in an art gallery, sneering at pretension but by S2 I was thinking termites although even then I had difficulty in tying all the parts together but I can be thick that way sometimes.

A lively read; great energy and exuberance in your writing.   

Offline Jia Ming

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Re: Deliberate
« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2017, 05:32:33 AM »
Termites definitely do work as well, to be fair the poem was actually inspired by termites but I just thought that they were ants; doesn't really matter does it? By the way, I don't fully understand what you meant by sneering at pretension, what did you find that way?

Offline duck

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Re: Deliberate
« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2017, 10:43:16 AM »
As opposed to Mark, I am thick so I am not really getting much of this - obviously ignorant of ants and termites, I just don't visual it. And what's with the hyphens? It's its own master - the poem that is and you its conceiver - but its a style leaves lost.
Dave

Offline Jia Ming

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Re: Deliberate
« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2017, 12:14:50 PM »
Really? I thought I made the visuals clear :(... What you read is supposed to mean exactly what is there, a plate of massacred termite/ants torn apart and/or crushed. That's basically it, and I thought the hyphens resemble the strands clinging as the persona rips them apart.

Also, sorry if I'm a little blur but I don't fully understand
It's its own master - the poem that is and you its conceiver - but its a style leaves lost.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Offline Mark T

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Re: Deliberate
« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2017, 12:21:48 PM »
By the way, I don't fully understand what you meant by sneering at pretension, what did you find that way?

I thought I was sharing the POV of the writer - you - in sneering at pretentious modern art in an art gallery.

 

Offline Tragopandemonium

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Re: Deliberate
« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2017, 12:53:09 PM »

This is fascinating!  I too feel a LOT of Gerard Manly Hopkins in it (check out The Windhover).  Not sure if it's technically "sprung rhythm", but your poem certainly has the evocative, punctuated pulse and the gutsy semi-abstract word-painting quality of his work (which I love).  In terms of meaning, the preying mantis explanation ties it all together for me and makes it really enjoyable (green blobs and paint seem like bug guts, swish and scissors feel like the action of mating or slicing off a mate's head), and provides both a bit of a narrative and an opportunity for deeper comment.  If you were to embrace that interpretation and tighten the poem it around it a bit, it would be really sensational, I think.  :)  Many thanks for an engaging read. 

Offline duck

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Re: Deliberate
« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2017, 04:36:39 AM »
Whta I said is neither good nor bad. It means the poem shows control, intent and obviously is written by someone who knows what they want to say and how to do it. You and the others can visualise the content of the poem, I can't, that is not a criticism of the poem but a statement of fact. Even now I know what you were saying, I still don't see it. Such is life.
You are nevertheless a veryindividualistic writer. Keep it up
Dave

Offline Jia Ming

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Re: Deliberate
« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2017, 04:56:33 AM »
Ah I see. Thanks so much to everyone by the way, I genuinely appreciate it :D

p.s. i think you guys got me stuck on Hopkin's poems lol

Offline Irresistible puddle

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Re: Deliberate
« Reply #12 on: August 16, 2017, 04:47:30 AM »
Hi jia i think I only understood about 70% of what you were writing about. But anyway to critique. Its really criminal of me to say this, im a dash addict, but are they necessary? scissor-swish and sawing-ripping. Crush-ed I suppose is meant to be playful and light. But it took me a long time to get that. I suppose if I had my way it would be written with no grammar and a lot of line breaks.

Overall its a fun piece but not to my taste.