Author Topic: First poem posted.  (Read 758 times)

Offline Joshuashua

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First poem posted.
« on: July 15, 2017, 12:19:40 AM »
Who the fuck

Do single people talk to
At 12 am?
When the long day
Is over
And you're left
Alone
And lonely
With a glass of wine
And cigarettes
And nothing
But news
And regret
And sleep
Hasn't yet
Taken hold?

I wasn't ready for this.

I can handle the pain of your face
Coming to mind
Every time
I see someone who looks
Something
But nothing
But something
Like you.

I can handle the waking up
Expecting your weight
Beside me
And the tears
That come
Fast and hot
With dawn
And apprehension.

But this.

I don't know how to handle
The dull ache
Of not calling you
To hear what happened
Today at work.
Which I never loved to do.

Offline Mark T

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Re: First poem posted.
« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2017, 05:02:43 AM »
Poignant yet stoic.

I'm sorry, man. I've been there too.


 
« Last Edit: July 15, 2017, 05:19:49 PM by Mark T »

Offline indar

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Re: First poem posted.
« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2017, 11:23:44 AM »
Welcome to MWC Josh,

You will probably be contacted by a moderator asking you to introduce yourself on the welcome board and so forth. I hope you will do that and continue to participate here. This forum has been unusually slow lately and your poem deserves the attention of the many thoughtful readers that seem to be on vacation just now.

Having said that this poem is a fine example of showing rather than the usual telly (my heart cries out for you) outpouring re/lost love.
Your sonics and line breaks are wonderful. And the content is relatable to a wide audience. I suspect you have been writing for awhile. I look forward to your posts in the future.

Linda

Offline Joshuashua

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Re: First poem posted.
« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2017, 11:35:39 AM »
Thanks so much, Linda! I will indeed introduce myself when I have a minute.

Offline Joshuashua

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Re: First poem posted.
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2017, 11:38:26 AM »
Poignant yet stoic.

I'm sorry, man. I've been there too.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=50335.0

 

Thanks Mark.

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. The poem I posted above is actually about a breakup, which is for sure about grief, but I can only imagine your own pain. I will take a look at your poem when I have the time it deserves, and leave some feedback, but just wanted to say thanks for saying hi.

Offline Mark T

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Re: First poem posted.
« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2017, 05:19:15 PM »

Ah - heartbreak. My apologies.

Please don't comment on that post - it will bump it to the top of this board. If you had 50 posts I'd ask you to delete your quote with the link. Anyway, welcome to the Board, such as it is these days, moribund.      
« Last Edit: July 15, 2017, 05:25:26 PM by Mark T »

Offline duck

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Re: First poem posted.
« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2017, 09:53:57 AM »
Hey and welcome
My feeling here is that the whole is more than the sum of thejavascript:void(0); parts. It is well put together, shows control and has lines that are effective - like the opening stanza especially. However, the theme is not very original and what the poem says about it is certainly not original. As it moves at a pleasant clip and builds well this still works ok but as soon as it becomes explicit about the lost relationship it flattens out and becomes clichéd - hot tears, oh dear.
There are a couple of other missteps IMO: the 'who the fuck' may fit how one feels in such situations but is out of tune with the rest of the poem. Is there any such thing as 12 am? Do you need it given the next lines that show it better? There is a change of voice from third person at the beginning to second person halfway through S1 that is convenient but grammatically unconvincing.
As I said the last 2 stanzas are a bit bog standard stuff with tears etc, dull aches - those love aches are always dull it seems.

There is promise in the way you put this together but it requires more originality.

Good start
Dave

Offline Joshuashua

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Re: First poem posted.
« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2017, 12:35:20 PM »
Hey and welcome
My feeling here is that the whole is more than the sum of thejavascript:void(0); parts. It is well put together, shows control and has lines that are effective - like the opening stanza especially. However, the theme is not very original and what the poem says about it is certainly not original. As it moves at a pleasant clip and builds well this still works ok but as soon as it becomes explicit about the lost relationship it flattens out and becomes clichéd - hot tears, oh dear.
There are a couple of other missteps IMO: the 'who the fuck' may fit how one feels in such situations but is out of tune with the rest of the poem. Is there any such thing as 12 am? Do you need it given the next lines that show it better? There is a change of voice from third person at the beginning to second person halfway through S1 that is convenient but grammatically unconvincing.
As I said the last 2 stanzas are a bit bog standard stuff with tears etc, dull aches - those love aches are always dull it seems.

There is promise in the way you put this together but it requires more originality.

Good start
Dave

Thanks for the feedback! 12 am is midnight, but a lot of the other stuff you said makes sense, and yeah, I'd already gotten rid of hot tears before you mentioned it, haha. It's funny, we tend to THINK in clichés when we're heartbroken, I've been having strange emotional reactions to TERRIBLE pop songs lately. :)


Offline Joshuashua

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Re: First poem posted.
« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2017, 12:37:07 PM »
Duck, I will say there's one thing I found confusing about what you said. You called the theme "unoriginal." Could you name an "original" theme?

Offline Mark T

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Re: First poem posted.
« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2017, 05:44:28 PM »
Duck, I will say there's one thing I found confusing about what you said. You called the theme "unoriginal." Could you name an "original" theme?

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Offline Jia Ming

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Re: First poem posted.
« Reply #10 on: July 18, 2017, 08:37:15 AM »
A really good read, all the "and"s  and "but" s are placed perfectly along with line breaks. It conveys the ache superbly.  I sort of agree with duck's "unoriginal", but I cant say wholeheartedly. I can't quantify it but theres teeny bits in me that feels cliche as if I've read similar ideas & imagery conveying similar stuff but its not obvious to me. Id personally try to think of something totally irrelevant and turn it to something totally relevant and convincing to rid all the unoriginalityness.

Offline Guerin1

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Re: First poem posted.
« Reply #11 on: July 18, 2017, 11:59:21 AM »
hey

Cool poem. The first stanza is really good. I think it's wrapped up nicely at the end as well.