Author Topic: Snowless  (Read 863 times)

Offline Jack2902

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Snowless
« on: July 10, 2017, 05:41:05 PM »
Hi, my name is Jack and I am a sophomore in high school.  I have written a script for a short film I will be making over the summer.  I would like some feedback.  To be honest, I know it isn't very good.  I just would like to know how bad it really is for a sophomore, and what I can do to improve it.  Thanks!

P.S. A few times in the script I have two possible scenes written for the same scene, this will be changed later.




Snowless
by


Jack Armstrong
INT. A HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM. STUDENTS ARE FILING IN.
A student, TEDDY EISING, sits down in his seat. He slings his backpack to the ground beside his seat as he does so. After a few seconds, the teacher, MR. STEVENS, begins to speak.
MR STEVENS
Okay, I see everyone is here..oh, now everyone is here.
A final student has entered.
MR STEVENS
Okay. Lets get started.
Mr. Stevens steps over to a nearby table and picks up a remote. He uses it to turn on the screen hanging from the ceiling.
MR STEVENS
December 19Th.  This week we will be discussing climate change until we get off for holiday break on the 22ND, and a little when we get back.  Before I begin-today will be a very general overview, and over the next few days, we will be diving deeper into the specifics of this topic. Alright. Who here has heard of the tipping point, in regards to climate change?
Several more organized and neat-looking students raise their hands.
MR STEVENS
A few of us I see. Lets discuss.
Mr. Stevens presses the remote again. A presentation slide appears, titled "The Tipping Point". A text box elaborates.
MR STEVENS
The Tipping Point is a milestone in our history. Picture a full glass of water, balancing on the edge of a table.
Mr. Stevens takes a glass and a pitcher from the nearby table. He fills the glass as he speaks.
MR STEVENS
Now imagine the glass is being slowly pushed. The rate at which the glass is being pushed increases, and finally, the glass reaches a point at which more of the glass is off the table than on it. Balance is lost, and the glass spills.
During this monologue, Mr. Stevens acts out the scenario.
MR STEVENS
This is the idea of The Tipping Point. In the year 2040, global temperature had risen a total of 2 degrees Celsius. This was something scientists had warned us about for years, but a number of events prevented the human race from changing our ways, which we will discuss tomorrow.
Mr. Stevens presses the button again.
MR STEVENS
After the tipping point was hit, it took a while for harsh consequences to set in. For a while, some thought everything would be okay. What they didn't realize is that the effects would not be instant.
Mr. Stevens pauses.
MR STEVENS
However. Over the next few years, serious issues began to occur. As the polar icecaps melted, sea levels rose. By the year 2050, the sea level had risen around 10 feet. 336 Florida cities were 25% underwater. Temperature high records were broken, then broken again. And finally, the effect you all know, after a longer time, snow became a thing of the past for the majority of American cities. Now, how many of you have seen snow, in person.
In a scene meant for shock value, we hear a chair creak as a single student slowly raises their hand. Mr. Stevens seems to sadden and slowly says, offhand, almost to himself,
MR STEVENS
A decade ago half the class had raised their hands....Okay! So, no more snow. This particular issue had some very negative effects.
Mr. Stevens picks up a pile of papers from the table and pats them as he speaks.
MR STEVENS
This handout will elaborate more on this.
As the handout is passed out, we see it from Teddy's perspective. The title reads, "SNOWLESS AMERICA: CAUSE AND EFFECTS OF THE DISSAPEARANCE OF SNOW".
MR STEVENS
You will be reading this for the majority of the hour.
Teddy begins to read.
FADE TO BLACK
EXT. TEDDY AND A FEW FRIENDS FROM THE CLASS WALK OUTSIDE THE HIGH SCHOOL.
FRIEND ONE
I honestly don't understand the issue. So what if we don't have snow? What was it good for anyways? To me, it seems like it was just a hassle.
FRIEND TWO
I don't know, I don't like the idea that we eliminated a force of nature. It's a little disturbing that we have the power to do to that.
TEDDY
It makes me mad.
FRIEND ONE
Oh, here we go.
Teddy interrupts his friend, loudly, but not yelling.
TEDDY
No, honestly! How could we have let this happen? Why did we let it happen? It's so unfair that the generation before us got to decide this. We didn't get any input, and we're the people it effects. They were reckless, and now....now we're..
Teddy searches for a word. When he finds it, he says it in resignation, acknowledging it is a silly word and that there's not much he can do about it.
TEDDY
We're snowless.
The three friends walk in silence for a couple seconds.
TEDDY
It's disturbing.
Silence falls on the group again.
FRIEND TWO
What can we do, really? We've already passed the..
Friend One speaks quickly, almost interrupting.
FRIEND ONE
Tipping point.
FRIEND TWO
Yeah. Isn't it too late?
TEDDY
I don't care. I'm going to do as much as I can. That handout, did you read that? Cars and household utilities are a major cause. Aren't those things that we can control?
Friend one shrugs.
FRIEND TWO
I guess...
Friend two gives a look to friend one, as if to say "agree to make him feel better"
FRIEND ONE
Yeah, I mean you could do that.
Teddy reaches a car. His MOTHER waits inside.
TEDDY
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Leaning half out of the car, hand on the door, Teddy appears to consider something.  Teddy half opens his mouth.  He seems to dismiss the thought, and shakes his head. As the car pulls away, Friend one and two glance at one another, worried, again.
INT. TEDDY'S HOUSE
Teddy steps through the door, his backpack on one shoulder.  He slings it onto the bench beside the door.  His mother follows soon after.  Teddy walks to the kitchen and begins to cut up an apple.  As he is cutting, he notices a photo on the fridge's photo of something snow related.  He stares at the photo.  Then, he shakes himself out of the daze and carries the bowl of sliced apples to the table.  He retrieves his backpack and unzips it, removing his science folder.  Inside is the snowless America handout, along with a worksheet.  He begins to write.  We see a question "name one major contributor to global emissions" and Teddy writes "automobiles and household objects".
MOTHER
Teddy! Could you mow the lawn!
TEDDY
(Startled out of his daze)
Uh, yeah!
Teddy gets up from his chair.
EXT. THE OPEN GARAGE IN TEDDY'S BACKYARD
Teddy pulls the lawn mower's ripcord multiple times.  The mower chokes and sputters.  Black smoke billows from the mower.  Teddy tightens his grip on the start lever.  He sees the smoke, then looks up at the sky.  He releases the lever and wheels the mower back inside.
OR

Teddy pulls the lawn mower's ripcord multiple times.  The mower chokes and sputters.  Teddy steps over to the shelf and pulls a tin of gas from the shelf and steps to the lawnmower.  He is on the verge of pouring it when he realizes him pouring the gas can resembles Mr. Steven's dipping point demonstration.  He replaces the can and wheels the mower back into the garage.
INT. THE HOUSE
Teddy returns to the table to finish the worksheet.  Another question reads, "is it possible to reverse the climate changes that have affected us?" Teddy thinks.  We see him contemplating.  Then, slowly, he writes "YES." All caps, bold.  He smiles.
INT. TEDDY'S HOUSE, MORNING
Teddy wakes up to his alarm.  We see him generally getting ready.  After brushing his teeth, he walks to where he left his backpack the previous night.  He slings it over a shoulder and steps outside.  About to get in the car, Teddy sees the smoke coming from the exhaust pipe.  We see it in the same way we did the mower smoke's close and focused on.  Teddy sees his bike in the backyard.
EXT. THE CITY
Teddy is riding his bike.  He is going fast, a smile on his face.  At some points during the ride, the landscape flickers from snowy to normal, which is Teddy's imagination.  Finally, Teddy arrives at school, exhausted and exhilarated, grinning hugely.  He places his bike in the bike rack, and walks into school.
INT. MR. STEVEN'S CLASSROOM
Teddy is getting out his papers as the bell rings.  He eagerly spreads out the handout and answer sheet.  The bell rings.  As students quiet down, Mr. Stevens begins to speak.
MR STEVENS
Okay.  I'm going to apologize in advance because I have to start today's class off with a bit of bad news.  Yesterday we spoke of some very negative things, and today will be no different.  You being the hopeful, optimistic kids that you are, I am willing to bet around 90% of you but yes on question number five.  Unfortunately, I have the difficult job of telling you....that is not correct.  The concept of a tipping point is that there is no going back.  After you left my classroom yesterday, I did not attempt to put the spilled water back in the glass.  It can't be done.  There is no going back from the tipping point's what a tipping point is.
Teddy slowly crosses out the YES. and replaces it with a NO.  Mr. Steven's voice gets fainter as Teddy "zones out" and stares at his answer, deeply disappointed and saddened.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL AGAIN
TEDDY
I don't know, I just thought I could really change something.
Teddy drops his hands and lets them drop against his legs.
FRIEND ONE
It's really not a big deal.  Snow just got in the way.  It's so much easier now.
FRIEND TWO
I put yes down too, but it doesn't bother me all that much.  Now that I think about it, what would we even do to fix it?
TEDDY
I hadn't even thought of that.  I was just so...hopeful.
FRIEND TWO
Hey, it's fine.  Just try not to worry about something that can't be solved.
TEDDY
Sure.  It was pretty stupid of me to think I could do anything about it.
FRIEND ONE
It's fine, don't be so hard on yourself.
The friends walk in silence for a couple seconds.
TEDDY
I'm just frustrated.

FRIEND ONE
Wait...didn't you bike?
Teddy sighs, stops in his tracks, and again drops his hands.
EXT. THE STREETS OF ROYAL OAK
Teddy is riding his bike home.  In contrast to his mood that day, he is solemn and upset.  He rides fast.
FADE TO BLACK: AFTER A MOMENT, TEXT FADES IN, READS "CHRISTMAS MORNING"
FADE IN:
INT/EXT. TEDDY'S ROOM
Teddy is asleep in bed.  Suddenly, his eyes open and he sits up groggily.  The window shines stark white light onto his bed.  Teddy draws back the curtain and freezes.  Outside, there is snow coating the backyard.  Teddy leaps out of bed and runs downstairs.  He reaches the front door and flings it open.  Teddy stands still for a moment, in awe.  Then he steps outside and is shocked by the sudden cold on his feet, drawing back.  Then, he embraces the chill and steps out fully.  Teddy lifts his hands to the sky, again in awe.  He admires the landscape.  Teddy is in awe, examining the snow and the snowy scene.  At the end of this sequence, Teddy slips on ice and falls.  He can either sit up from the snow and end up sitting up in his bed, or fall, and when the camera hits we see Teddy sit up fast.



Offline Tahari

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Re: Snowless
« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2017, 07:22:53 PM »
Hello, newbie here.  I really am intrigued by the premise of your plot.  That said, while informative, I believe as an opening scene it is kind of lackluster.  A beginning scene should have some kind of personal effect on your protagonist.  So, we need to see some way the weather change has personally impacted him.  Then, you can have the classroom scene which explains why the negative effect has occurred and thus giving the protagonist a more personal motivation to enact change.  Because, let's be real, the information given in a classroom is unlikely to motivate any teenager unless they have that very real reason.