Author Topic: kaiego pilot third draft  (Read 430 times)

Offline ewolf20

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kaiego pilot third draft
« on: June 09, 2017, 01:54:25 PM »


hello there guys, i finally got my third draft and i'm also new here.

things I need help with:
  • characters
    the first page
    plot
    and dialogue
    and maybe the logline. This was less misleading but I don't feel like it could grab anyone.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2017, 04:10:53 PM by fire-fly »

Offline fire-fly

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Re: kaiego pilot third draft
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2017, 04:12:01 PM »
Sorry ewolf, we don't allow links to stories by new members mate, (lots of spam) you will have to post the script in here according to the stickied rules  ;D
I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

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Offline ewolf20

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Re: kaiego pilot third draft
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2017, 04:25:18 PM »
ok. i can't edit my post so here's the scri[t:

Like going to the aquarium?
John's eyes dart back and forth. He pushes the front door on their way in.
4.
INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS
JOHN
No..Not like my dad would let me. We're too broke for that.
Children stare as John and Wilbur walk down the hallway. Some snickers from students makes John walk faster.
JOHN
I just want to get to class on time, okay.
John eyes a gloomy looking kid facing him.
JOHN
Besides, no one forgot, remember.
WILBUR
But I thought it was just old gossip?
JOHN
Yeah, if it's old news, everyone would have forgotten it sooner or later.
John sighs. He looks back at the crowd of kids gathering down the hallway. He looks away and stops at a door. On the door's window, it reads: MRS.LEVITT.
JOHN
But, it would be nice if-
Wilbur is gone.
JOHN
He got distracted again...great.
John knocks on the door. A KID opens it but upon seeing him, slams it shut.
JOHN
Is this some kind of joke?
The door creaks slightly. The kid's eye pokes out of it.
KID
Um...are you one of Mrs. Levitt's kids?
JOHN
Yes. Let me in.
5.
KID
Oh...ok.
Inside, sounds of kids protesting alerts him to poke back inside.
KID (O.S.)
 (to kids inside)
Guys, please. He might promise not to do it again.
JOHN
Do what again?
He pops out his entire head.
KID
Oh..um..n-nothing.
John rolls his eyes.
JOHN
(to himself)
Old news, he says.
The kid steps aside.
INT. CLASSROOM-DAY
When John enters the class, some kids leer at him. Others turn away from his gaze.
MRS. LEVITT (40s), a tall, lanky lady in glasses, tidies her paperwork and waves at him.
MRS. LEVITT
It's surprising you got here on time. Well uh, a smidge bit on time.
JOHN
Uh huh.
He looks at the absent seat next door to the boyish looking girl, LIZZIE.
LIZZIE
Hey! Over here.
John comes on over and sits next to her.
6.
JOHN
At least you're not treating me like I'm sub human.
LIZZIE
Even after what happen? C'mon, Jo. I wouldn't treat you like that.
BOY (O.S.)
Bummer! Never forget what you've done.
John ignores the commotion happening behind him.
JOHN
(to lizzie)
Oh really?
LIZZIE
You and I were Fams since forever. Simple incident's nothing.
JOHN
(to himself)
Some aren't
MRS. LEVITT (O.S.)
Alright, class. Since everyone's here, I just like to welcome you all back from summer break. Hope you'll all refreshed for learning!
The classroom groans save for John.
MRS. LEVITT
(to herself)
Not glad myself.
She coughs into her balled up fist.
MRS. LEVITT
(to class)
So for today's lesson.
Mrs. Levitt gets up from her chair and writes down: GOOD BEHAVIOR. Then, she underlines it.
MRS. LEVITT
We'll be learning good behavior.
John signs before rolling his eyes.
He faces the window with Mrs.Levitt's speech slowly fading to the background.
7.
Outside, a gust of leaves travel through the wind. It reveals a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE, wearing a trench coat and hat that covers their face. Their coat sways from the winds.
The mysterious figure's eyes stare straight into his. He is taken aback.
Lizzie notices his trance and waves in front his face.

LIZZIE
John. Earth to John, what's going on?
A gush of wind passes by the mysterious figure. they disappear without a trace.

JOHN
He's...He's gone.

LIZZIE
Okay, who?
The two didn't notice Mrs.Levitt standing behind them. She taps her foot.

JOHN
(to Mrs.Levitt)
I-I can explain.

CUT TO:

INT. CAFETERIA- AFTERNOON
John sits on a table with Wilbur and ANDRE, a kid about their age. Wilbur gorges on a sandwich.

WILBUR
(mouth full of food)
That's sucks . How are we suppose to hangout then?

JOHN
She said I'll be serving detention for 2 hours. Nothing to worry about.
(to himself)
Not that I would.
Andre rambles to himself as he wipes the book clean of sandwich bits.

8.

WILBUR
But why did she choose to put you in detention for that? It wasn't like the guy you've seen was real.
John takes a sip from his tea.

JOHN
But he was real.

ANDRE
You're sure?

JOHN
But Lizzie saw him, too!

ANDRE
She could be staring at nothing, I guess.

JOHN
How about the dreams i had?
Andre raises an eyebrow.

ANDRE
What's a dream have to do with this?

JOHN
But this one was different. It didn't make sense but it all came together.
Wilbur perks and scoots closer.

JOHN
Maybe that figure... was the butterfly from the dream.
Andre grows silent and Wilbur stares at him.

ANDRE
....a butterfly? You kidding?

JOHN
I know this sounds dumb but-
Andre gets up from his seat.

ANDRE
Welp, I'm out.

9.

JOHN
B-but, you gotta believe me!

ANDRE
It was just a dream, John. and, dreams mean nothing.
(to Wilbur)
You coming?
Wilbur looks down at his feet.

WILBUR
Um-
Before Wilbur can get up, John yanks him up by the arm.

JOHN
You have to.
He lets go of John's hand and follows Andre.

ANDRE
(to John)
Besides, lunch is about over. Don't want to get really late..do you.
As the two of them leave, John sits on his chair, resting his head on the table.

JOHN
I screwed up hard.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - LATER
John walks aimlessly in the hallway. A boy tosses a soda can at him. John catches it. The boy freaks out and runs away.

He stops by a door and swings it open.
INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS 
He enters the room. The seats for the students and teacher are vacant. One thing that catches his eye in this room was a letter. It a sits on desk right across from him.
He walks up to the teacher's desk and lifts up the letter.
10.
INSERT-LETTER
It reads: Dear students,
if anyone is reading this, I'm at the school's garden for field study. If you like to come for a participation grade, please come by.
Thanks from,
Mr. McCradle.
JOHN

Offline Oceaxe

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Re: kaiego pilot third draft
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2017, 06:49:40 PM »
Hi ewolf. The strictures on posting here are necessary but seem particularly harsh in your case as the loss of formatting makes your script hard to follow at times.

I like that you're thinking visually. You seem to have a good grasp of cinematic story-telling (and could doubtless give me a lesson in it as I'm just beginning) and I admire your quick cuts and spare dialogue that leaves room for the actors to do their thing. Having said which I find this fragment hard to follow as it's clearly cut out of a much longer piece. I write radio scripts but have never posted one here and I now wonder if the reason is that to post a sensible chunk of it would take up too much space. So I like it but have so little experience in reading film scripts I can't really say whether it cuts the mustard. And I hope the original is correctly formatted to separate dialogue from direction.

Quote
A boy tosses a soda can at him. John catches it. The boy freaks out and runs away
. - an example of how Im not following your story. Is this an example of supernatural powers?

You seem to be an accomplished script writer and I'd like to see a longer excerpt of this particular script, though I understand the rule about not posting links. Perhaps you could send me the link privately?

Good luck.
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (18651939)