Author Topic: Innocent Vampire Gals  (Read 848 times)

Offline MrBillyD

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Innocent Vampire Gals
« on: June 05, 2017, 11:50:05 AM »
Innocent Vampire Gals
By MrBillyD

       TV MINI-SERIES


 Episode 1

1.  EST.  LOS ANGELES.  EARLY EVENING.

EXT:  CLIMAXES NIGHTCLUB. 

The establishment stands along the Sunset Strip.  It’s early in the evening. There are few cars in the parking lot.

2.  INT. CLIMAXES NIGHTCLUB.

Inside the dimly lit nightclub, only about a quarter of the tables are occupied by Patrons.  A few are seated at the Bar.

HARRY EDELSTEIN is at the controls in the DJ booth. The recorded music blares, but not loud enough to drown out any conversation

VICKY MILFORD; a dark haired woman in her mid twenties, wearing a maroon dress; is the Club Manager.  She is seated on a stool at the Bar, going over some paperwork.

A Patron named JAKE, a mean looking dude in his late 20s, wearing a black leather jacket, comes up to the Bar.  He sits on the stool beside VICKY.

JAKE
Evening Vicky.  Can I buy you something to drink?   

VICKY
Thank you Jake.  Maybe you haven't heard, but I'm part owner of the Club.  I'm the one who buys drinks for customers.  Not the other way around.

JAKE
Then I'll have my usual.

VICKY
That was slick, but you're the one who has to pay for the drinks first. So where's your girlfriend, what's her name?  Roxanna?

JAKE
She's on ice.
           
VICKY
“On ice”?
    (Scornfully)
You mean you haven't broken up with her, but you're now on the prowl?
   
JAKE
That's partly correct.

VICKY
What part?

JAKE
When I said “She's on ice”, I meant that literally.  Right now she's hanging upside down and naked, inside a freezer with the lights off.

VICKY
(Laugh) 
If that's what dating you leads to, forget it.  I don't mind a little bit kinky, but risking death...

JAKE
That wasn't a joke Vick.

VICKY
Yeah.  Right.

JAKE
You see, our employer doesn't take any lip from any of their employees.

VICKY
Don't you think that's kind of excessive?  Every now and then I have to give somebody a good talking to, and that's enough.

JAKE
I said I wasn’t joking.  We are employed by the Legal Department of Vidamort Corp.  Our employer enforces Company rules, in a way that we employees never forget.

VICKY
Legal Department?  You don't look like a lawyer to me; and Roxanna just doesn't seem like someone who could pass any kind of a bar
exam.

JAKE
Roxy and I aren't lawyers.  She and I enforce company policy, in a way that our clients never forget.

VICKY
Enforcers?

JAKE
Vidamort Corp. wants me to explain Company policy to you Ms. Milford, in a way you'll never forget.

VICKY looks at JAKE’S face. 

VICKY’S POV:  JAKE looks dangerous.

CUTBACK:

VICKY
You get out of here right now, or I'll call the police.

JAKE
Go ahead. I'm sure they'll be interested to learn about the time when you pretended to be pregnant by a married man, who you had a fling with.  You then got him to pay for a fake abortion, along with hush money.  The law calls that fraud and blackmail, for which you can do an unhealthy amount of jail time.

VICKY
You can't prove that.

JAKE
Vidamort Corp. can, along with providing evidence of your involvement in a murder.

VICKY
Murder?

JAKE
Maybe more than one.

VICKY   
What's this all about?

JAKE
We know for a fact, that you allow gambling and drug dealing inside this club, with you getting a percentage of every transaction.

VICKY
Oh I see.  And your employer wants a percentage too.

JAKE
Meet me outside in the parking lot in 15 minutes, and be sure you come alone.

DISSOLVE TO:

3.  EXT:  CLIMAXES NIGHTCLUB.  PARKING LOT.  NIGHT.
 
The dark end of the parking lot, furthest from the street.

JAKE stands beside a car’s front passenger door. VICKY cautiously approaches him, carrying her handbag.

CLOSE UP into VICKY’S handbag, revealing a holstered pistol.

CUT BACK.

VICKY comes over to JAKE, who opens the front door on the car’s passenger side.

JAKE
Get in.

VICKY
Forget it Mr. Tough Guy.  I'm not getting in a car with you.

JAKE
All right cautious lady. 

JAKE shuts the door.

JAKE
Stand there.

VICKY
Good enough.  Now tell me, what's the deal?

JAKE
You're a very bad girl Vicky.  I come from Sangreville, which is full of very bad girls.

VICKY
Sangreville?  Vampire Town?

JAKE
Now you’ve probably heard the saying, “If you’re a bad girl, the ‘Something’ will eat you”; and do you know what happens to very bad girls in Sangreville?

VICKY
I've heard that the “Something” that kills and eats them is vampires.

JAKE
Exactly.

JAKE suddenly wraps his arms around VICKY.  He pulls her up against himself, and puts his mouth against her neck. 

CLOSE UP of JAKE’S face.
He has a pair of sharp, heavy fangs, which he’s stabbing inside VICKY’S neck.

CUT BACK

VICKY squeals and squirms.  She reaches into her handbag and pulls out the pistol which she drops. Then she collapses to the pavement, where she lies dead beside JAKE’S car, with the pistol lying beside her.

DISSOLVE TO:


4.  EXT.  DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES STREET.  LATE AT NIGHT.

JAKE drives his car along the deserted street.

INT. JAKE’S CAR.

FRAME:  VICKY’S body stretched lengthwise, across the backseat of the moving vehicle.  Her dress is a wrinkled mess.  Its skirt is pushed up around her hips, and her legs are spread wide.

VICKY opens her eyes.  Through the window she sees that it’s still dark outside. 
She begins to groan. 

VICKY
    (VOICEOVER Thoughts ) 
I’m in pain, from the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, and everything in between.  I have the hangover from Hell; literally.

OFF SCREEN, in the front passenger seat ROXANNA speaks.

ROXANNA
    (Off Screen)
She's awake, Jake

VICKY
    (Mumble)
Repent you sinners.

VICKY slips off the back seat, onto the floor, and grunts loudly.  Then she puts her hand on the seat, and begins to pull herself up, while groaning in great pain. 

VICKY
Stop the car!  I'm about to puke!

The car pulls to the side and stops.  VICKY falls back.  Her head rests against the left rear door.  The door opens.  She turns herself over, poking her head outside the vehicle.

OFF SCREEN the sound of barfing.

VICKY pulls herself back inside the car.  The door shuts and the vehicle’s moving again.  She gets up to a sitting position in the back seat, and smooths out her dress so the skirt covers her legs to its full length. 

Now VICKY looks at the front seat.

FULL VIEW:  JAKE is driving.  Blonde ROXANNA, who’s in her early twenties, sits beside him.   

VICKY
    (Groggy and in pain)
I'm hungry.  I want to kill somebody.  Drink his blood.

ROXANNA turns around. 

ROXANNA
I know how you feel Vick, but we can't allow that.

ROXANNA hands VICKY an open thermos.

ROXANNA
Here's some of the good stuff.  Have some of your own back.

VICKY
Some of my own? 

VICKY puts the mouth of the thermos under her nose, and inhales.

My own blood?

ROXANNA
That's right.  We can't have a brand new vampire going off the deep end, and biting the first live person she sees.  Once we get to where we're going, there'll be enough pigs' blood to fill you up.  Then you'll be able to control your bloodlust.

VICKY pours the contents out of the thermos, into its lid-cup, and gulps it all down. 
She drinks down several cups of her own blood.  Then she shakes her head, no longer groggy.  Her mind is cleared.

VICKY
    (Speaks clearly)
“Once we get to where we're going”?  Where are we going?

JAKE
Vidamort Corp. Headquarters Vick.  That's where everything'll be explained to you.

VICKY looks out the window.  They are driving through the dark, almost deserted streets of downtown L.A. 

CLOSE UP of the dashboard clock, the time is 2:37 AM.

CUTBACK

VICKY looks herself over.  Her maroon colored dress is wrinkled from top to bottom, and the skirt has a large blood and other dark stains down the front.

VICKY
Jake!  Did you rape me?

JAKE and ROXANNA face straight ahead.

VICKY
Did you?

JAKE doesn't turn his head. 

JAKE
You can't rape a dead woman.

VICKY
(Hoarse voice.)
What'd you eff a corpse?

ROXANNA
Hey Vick!  Watch your mouth!

VICKY
Well what did he do, after he killed me?

JAKE
I'm not a rapist Vick.  I'm a seducer.

VICKY
    (Scornful)
Yeah--right!  You're a real Mr. Charm, aren't you?

DISSOLVE TO

Offline Oceaxe

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Re: Innocent Vampire Gals
« Reply #1 on: June 06, 2017, 07:40:48 AM »
Well, MrBillyD, I think this is better than your prose. For part of this you are actually using film to tell the story, but in other parts you are using dialogue to do the work instead of thinking visually. The story is a bit absurd in parts, reminiscent of Buffy without the sharp dialogue and knowing subtext. I love Buffy so I'll try to explain where I think you're going wrong.

You know a bit about telling your story visually, the cutaway to the gun in the bag, but you haven't a clue about how to format a script. The most important thing, let's call it Lesson #1, is to clearly separate dialogue from all the other, instructional, stuff. This is usually done through indents - which I tried to do here but couldn't figure out how, so here's a link.

http://storysense.com/format/margins.htm

Quote
JAKE
When I said “She's on ice”, I meant that literally.  Right now she's hanging upside down and naked, inside a freezer with the lights off.
- here's an example of where dialogue doesn't work. It's a ridiculous exchange to begin with with, but imagine how much more effective it would be if you used the medium and after "She's on ice" you cutaway to the body in the freezer and left it at that?

I could go on but I have my own writing to do and have neither the time nor the expertise (nor the inclination) to teach you stuff that you should be learning before you post here in the first place.

Nit picks

Quote
All right cautious lady.
- poor phrasing.

Quote
FRAME:  VICKY’S body stretched lengthwise, across the backseat of the moving vehicle.  Her dress is a wrinkled mess.  Its skirt is pushed up around her hips, and her legs are spread wide.
- the sexual aspect of this is something you might want to think about before asking an actress to perform.

As I said, this is better than your prose, but you still have a lot to learn.

Good luck.


Offline MrBillyD

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Re: Innocent Vampire Gals
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2017, 09:45:46 AM »
  This screenplay is adapted from my prose novella, which I'd posted on fanstory.com, about a year ago.  On that website it received 44 "Excellent" 5 star reviews.  I think this means that I'd be better off reposting a copy of the original 21 chapter book here on this website, instead of this adaptation.
       

Offline Oceaxe

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Re: Innocent Vampire Gals
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2017, 10:26:15 AM »
I give up!

hillwalker3000

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Re: Innocent Vampire Gals
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2017, 10:57:57 AM »
  This screenplay is adapted from my prose novella, which I'd posted on fanstory.com, about a year ago.  On that website it received 44 "Excellent" 5 star reviews.  I think this means that I'd be better off reposting a copy of the original 21 chapter book here on this website, instead of this adaptation.

44 5-star reviews. I'm not sure what that says about how well you write. There's a difference between peer review (which we offer for free on here - writers commenting purely on the quality of writing) and a website where 'fans' for want of a better label post work in the same genre to be read and graded by fellow-fans.

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