Author Topic: Short scene Feedback valued  (Read 1111 times)

Offline Jake731

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Short scene Feedback valued
« on: May 31, 2017, 07:48:42 PM »
FADE IN:

            EXT. SOUP SHOP - TWILIGHT

           HUNDREDS of people are fighting each other desperately for their spots in line
           for soup.

           FADE TO BLACK.

                                                                       CARTER(V.O.)
                         It's the year 2284, and the human population is 35 billion and dropping.
                         I work for the 'Population Control'.

          EXT. POPULATION CONTROL CENTER - NIGHT

          We see a HUGE, FUTURISTIC BUILDING, with walls made of metal and many windows
          surrounding it. A HOLOGRAM SIGN in front of the building lights up as it PROJECTS:
          POPULATION CONTROL CENTER.

                                                                     CARTER(V.O.)(CONT'D)
                         I kill people for a living... There are about 2 million of us. Some people call
                          us 'The Enforcers'. Most just call us assholes.

         

Offline Oceaxe

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Re: Short scene Feedback valued
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2017, 08:43:56 AM »
This is too absurdly short to crit!
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (1865–1939)

hillwalker3000

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Re: Short scene Feedback valued
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2017, 10:48:30 AM »
43 words of voice-over dialogue and you are asking for feedback?  ???

It reads like the kind of blurb the studio might stick on a poster advertising the movie. But as for meaningful feedback, there's nowhere near enough material here to comment on. You seem to have an idea - but, personally, I never comment on ideas. Show us what you can do with it.

H3K

Offline MrBillyD

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Re: Short scene Feedback valued
« Reply #3 on: June 05, 2017, 02:53:10 PM »
   I have a completed novel which also deals with overpopulation, titled "We the People Are Good to Eat".

   The plot summary states "In a fatally overpopulated future Earth, all that the people have to eat is each other, and they thank God for every meal.

   In this world, keeping the population trimmed and the meat quota filled is every citizen’s responsibility.  Gladiator type combat games are now a high school sport.  This is the students’ way of participating in both the population trimming and meat harvest.

    A Cheerleader-Warrior Girl discovers that certain things in this world are not the way that everybody believes.  Then things begin to change."

    I'm planning to begin posting the novel here, one chapter at a time, maybe beginning tomorrow.  If you'd be interested in reading it, you might also be interested in working with me; seeing if we can revise the novel into a screenplay.

Offline Jake731

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Re: Short scene Feedback valued
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2017, 07:55:17 PM »
Yeah, that sounds good.

Offline MrBillyD

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Re: Short scene Feedback valued
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2017, 08:06:40 PM »
   I can post chapter 1 of "We the People Are Good to Eat" in the Gallery Section of the Coffee Shop Section, maybe tomorrow.  Then you can give it a look.  If you want you can leave a review, and also let me know if you'd like me to work with you.

Offline Jake731

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Re: Short scene Feedback valued
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2017, 10:33:33 PM »
Alright, I will. Appreciate it.

Offline MrBillyD

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Re: Short scene Feedback valued
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2017, 11:40:29 AM »
I have just posted Chapter 1 0f my novel "We the People Are Good to Eat" in the "Gallery" section.
Now you can read it at any time, and if you'd like me to work with you, please let me know.
Thank you.