Author Topic: Is this scene any better?(I don't know if I'm doing the narrative right)  (Read 2669 times)

Offline Hunter

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FADE IN:

         INT. SECRET AIR FORCE BASE - NIGHT

         A man in his late thirties, early forties, walks down the corridor.
         This is OFFICER MORGAN. He approaches a door where a guard
          is standing there. He NODS to him and the guard opens it to let
         him through.

          On the other side of the door is his commanding officer and two
          other officers observing a computer screen. We SEE an alien's 
          arm TWITCH on the screen.

          His commanding officer approaches him. A cruel looking man, in
          fifties. This is COMMANDER JOHN. He STOPS Morgan. HANDS him
          a sheet of paper.

                                            COMMANDER JOHN
                 Morgan, here's the list of questions we need to be answered.

          Officer Morgan studies it. HEADS toward the interrogation room.

           John stops him again.

                                            COMMANDER JOHN
              Before you go in there, you should know, that they are telepathic.

           He considers this and WE GO TO --

          INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - SAME (CONTINUOUS)

          Two aliens, with BIG GREY EYES, NO MOUTHS, OVAL-SHAPED HEADS
           and SMALL SLINDER BODIES are sitting in chairs and ARE IN
           RESTRAINTS.

          Officer Morgan walks in with the list of questions in his hand. SITS
          DOWN. LOOKS at the list and asks..

                                              OFFICER MORGAN
                       Where are you from?

          The aliens' EYES CHANGE from grey, to a DEEP BRIGHT PURPLE.

          He begins to feel strange.

          BANG, his hands hit the table. TEARS STREAM DOWN HIS FACE.

          They're using their TELEPATHY.

                                              OFFICER MORGAN
                     We're from a planet called 'Barrdem'.

          Their EYES CHANGE BACK to grey and Officer Morgan comes to.

          He composes himself. Looks at the list. Asks another question..

                                             OFFICER MORGAN
                        Why are you here?

           Their eyes change again. CONTROLLING HIS MIND again..

                                              OFFICER MORGAN
               We're looking for someone... One of us among you.

Offline Oceaxe

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Well, think about this.

Quote
He begins to feel strange.
- how do we know? Only describe what the viewer will see.

It's very short and hard to say whether it will work for a producer. The aliens seem straight out of a comic book and are likely to provoke mirth rather than fear. You need to avoid clichés and to manage that you need to put a lot of hours in watching this genre. Usually there's a slow build-up, after an initial glimpse of the aliens, and that's all about creating character and building tension. Not easy.

Good luck.


hillwalker3000

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FADE IN:

         INT. SECRET AIR FORCE BASE - NIGHT

         A man in his late thirties, early forties, Both or neither? Why does his age matter? walks down the corridor.
         This is OFFICER MORGAN. He approaches a door where a guard
          is standing there. He NODS to him and the guard opens it to let
         him through.
         On the other side of the door is his commanding officer and two
          other officers observing a computer screen. We SEE an alien's 
          arm TWITCH on the screen.
          His commanding officer approaches him. A cruel looking man, in
          fifties. This is COMMANDER JOHN. He STOPS Morgan. HANDS him
          a sheet of paper.

All this ^^^ is unnecessary. You spend more time describing a guy walking down a corridor and going through a door than having him do anything once he enters the room. It's tedious.

                                            COMMANDER JOHN
                 Morgan, here's the list of questions we need to be answered.

          Officer Morgan studies it. HEADS toward the interrogation room.

           John stops him again.

                                            COMMANDER JOHN
              Before you go in there, you should know, that they are telepathic.

           He considers this How? Does he scratch his nose or comb his fingers through his hair? You can't show someone considering anything because we're not mind-readers. and WE GO TO --

          INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - SAME (CONTINUOUS)

          Two aliens, with BIG GREY EYES, NO MOUTHS, OVAL-SHAPED HEADS
           and SMALL SLINDER BODIES are sitting in chairs and ARE IN
           RESTRAINTS.

          Officer Morgan walks in with the list of questions in his hand. SITS
          DOWN. LOOKS at the list and asks..

This is boring. We already know he has the list in his hand. Again, you're more interested in the choreography of him entering a room and sitting than in anything interesting.

                                              OFFICER MORGAN
                       Where are you from?

          The aliens' EYES CHANGE from grey, to a DEEP BRIGHT PURPLE.

          He begins to feel strange.
Again, unless you have an audience of mind-readers there's no way we can possibly know this by what you show on-screen.

          BANG, his hands hit the table. TEARS STREAM DOWN HIS FACE.

          They're using their TELEPATHY.
Again, this is just crazy. HOW DO WE KNOW?

                                              OFFICER MORGAN
                     We're from a planet called 'Barrdem'.

          Their EYES CHANGE BACK to grey and Officer Morgan comes to.

          He composes himself. Looks at the list. Asks another question..

                                             OFFICER MORGAN
                        Why are you here?

           Their eyes change again. CONTROLLING HIS MIND again..

                                              OFFICER MORGAN
               We're looking for someone... One of us among you.

This is dreadful, to be honest. You don't seem to understand the most basic difference between a script and a piece of prose. Most of what you've given us to consider is either deadly dull or is impossible to convey visually on the screen.

My advice - get rid of the poll. It's pointless. And forget about trying to write a script since you seem to be stuck in the same rut. 4 attempts at the same scene and it's still not working. Why not sit down and write the story (assuming there is going to be one)? On this evidence, you don't seem to have thought about where this is going next.

H3K

Offline Hunter

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What if I put:

He begins to feel pain, fear, anger and sadness.
Or
He begins to feel strange. Expressing pain, fear, anger
and sadness?

I don't know, but I do know I'm not giving up on this. I'm just here
for any help I can get.

Thanks.

hillwalker3000

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What if I put:
He begins to feel pain, fear, anger and sadness.
Or
He begins to feel strange. Expressing pain, fear, anger
and sadness?

Neither will work. It's strange how you have decided to write a script yet don't have the most basic understanding of what a script is. It's also frustrating how you keep repeating the same missteps despite us trying to show you where you're going wrong.

Why do you want him to feel pain, fear, anger and sadness? (All 4 at once? Really?) Presumably you're trying to show the audience how the aliens have affected him. But your audience, unlike the aliens, are not mind readers. So how will they know he's feeling any of these emotions? And how is he going to express them? You can't just write 'he expresses' something and believe your contribution is complete. You have to instruct the character to do something that will act as a visual clue on-screen to the audience - such as tapping his fingers on the desk, biting his nails, grimacing, whatever.

On a separate issue, you've chosen a plot that's already been explored in much more original ways by other scriptwriters. Have you by any chance watched 'Independence Day' or 'District 9' or even 'Arrival'? They all concern how we might react to extra-terrestrials. Unless this is meant to be a parody of the genre, you're going to find it extremely difficult to attract any producer with this piece because it's unoriginal and hopelessly dated. It reminds me of a 1950's B-Movie. I'm also wondering how much progress you have made since your original post. There's not much evidence here that you're any closer to the next scene.

H3K



Offline Oceaxe

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I think there are two questions here; one is how you use the visual medium to tell your story, and two is your story.

One: there isn't much evidence here that you know how to use film to tell a story. It's linear and single stranded (by which I mean you're not exploiting the medium to build suspense or intrigue the viewer by running apparently unconnected events together). Film is a demanding medium, it eats up story-lines at a terrific rate. You need to constantly be inventing things within your overall story to keep the viewer interested.

Two: have you got the whole story in your head yet? If not then you should give some thought to what follows rather than tinker with the opening.

Basically, I think, you lack experience. Which is no sin, but you need to accept the fact that you're going to have to put the hours in if you want to become a screen-writer. Can I recommend a free course? I'm doing it myself.

https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/explore-filmmaking

There's no short-cut, you're going to have to work at it if you really want to write for film (or TV).

Tuck

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FADE IN:

         INT. SECRET AIR FORCE BASE - NIGHT

         A man in his late thirties, early forties, walks down the corridor.
         This is OFFICER MORGAN. He approaches a door where a guard
          is standing there. He NODS to him and the guard opens it to let
         him through.

          On the other side of the door is his commanding officer and two
          other officers observing a computer screen. We SEE an alien's 
          arm TWITCH on the screen.

          His commanding officer approaches him. A cruel looking man, in
          fifties. This is COMMANDER JOHN. He STOPS Morgan. HANDS him
          a sheet of paper.

                                            COMMANDER JOHN
                 Morgan, here's the list of questions we need to be answered.

          Officer Morgan studies it. HEADS toward the interrogation room.

           John stops him again.

                                            COMMANDER JOHN
              Before you go in there, you should know, that they are telepathic.

           He considers this and WE GO TO --

          INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - SAME (CONTINUOUS)

          Two aliens, with BIG GREY EYES, NO MOUTHS, OVAL-SHAPED HEADS
           and SMALL SLINDER BODIES are sitting in chairs and ARE IN
           RESTRAINTS.

          Officer Morgan walks in with the list of questions in his hand. SITS
          DOWN. LOOKS at the list and asks..

                                              OFFICER MORGAN
                       Where are you from?

          The aliens' EYES CHANGE from grey, to a DEEP BRIGHT PURPLE.

          He begins to feel strange.

          BANG, his hands hit the table. TEARS STREAM DOWN HIS FACE.

          They're using their TELEPATHY.

                                              OFFICER MORGAN
                     We're from a planet called 'Barrdem'.

          Their EYES CHANGE BACK to grey and Officer Morgan comes to.

          He composes himself. Looks at the list. Asks another question..

                                             OFFICER MORGAN
                        Why are you here?

           Their eyes change again. CONTROLLING HIS MIND again..

                                              OFFICER MORGAN
               We're looking for someone... One of us among you.

hello mate,
My first language is not English, but let me say something and the something is that good see you writing, good or bad is the another thing. to get some writing skill- I mean- to be able telling a story, it could take years, and to learn to speak properly maybe forty years. The average style in literature seem be like well-dressed gentleman or lady, every word no out of their places, it's like made by a template  still the word goes many ways and everyone should work by his own lingo,

hillwalker3000

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hello mate,
My first language is not English, but let me say something and the something is that good see you writing, good or bad is the another thing. to get some writing skill- I mean- to be able telling a story, it could take years, and to learn to speak properly maybe forty years. The average style in literature seem be like well-dressed gentleman or lady, every word no out of their places, it's like made by a template  still the word goes many ways and everyone should work by his own lingo,

Your first language is not English - indeed. So it's difficult to take your comments seriously since they make no sense.

H3K

Tuck

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I see it's beyond your compression, not worry the Jochep Condrad's  work also was too hard to get for many
 

hillwalker3000

  • Guest
It's your mangling of the English language that's hard to 'get'.  ::)

H3K

Tuck

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Re: Is this scene any better?(I don't know if I'm doing the narrative right)
« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2017, 11:51:36 AM »
You could be a specialist with you plain English - but have you something to tell?

Offline BaileyNeve

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Re: Is this scene any better?(I don't know if I'm doing the narrative right)
« Reply #11 on: August 23, 2017, 06:16:42 PM »
It's your mangling of the English language that's hard to 'get'.  ::)

H3K

Lol why tf are you so salty all the time. Get laid, damn.

Lin

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Re: Is this scene any better?(I don't know if I'm doing the narrative right)
« Reply #12 on: August 24, 2017, 06:03:28 AM »
Tuck,  I know what it's like not being able to grasp a language.  I lived in Europe for many years and it took me 15 years to learn the language when everyone else spoke English. It became impossible. I eventually managed to convince the locals that my power of Dutch had improved. However, I wouldn't even attempt to write a book in Dutch.  I may be able to speak and make conversation, but writing is another hurdle.

I admire you for trying, but if it turns out like a robot translator, then it doesn't make sense.  What I suggest you do is improve your written English first or write your stories in your own language.  Get some help and I don't feel that mywriterscircle is the place to do this.  I fully appreciate how difficult it is, but to write in English has to be good for us to appreciate what you are saying and comment with sensible answers.  Sorry to sound so negative, but I know how it feels.

I wish you every success.

Lin 


Tuck

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Re: Is this scene any better?(I don't know if I'm doing the narrative right)
« Reply #13 on: August 24, 2017, 09:43:34 AM »
hello
Not be so hurt, you are perhaps an old inductor and you have your world and your lingo, it is enough to you still not to me. I have my lingo and my readers who are eager to hear my stories and my tales, there is no room for your kind of language, You can boast of your perfection and your eductions, but as I said, to keep you telling just to you kind of readers. I''m retired sea captain the world and lingo of which I speak- is orderly gone, there are thousands and thousands who want read. Your sophistical English could be suitable to you, but not to me. I will not improve my language - in addition,  I have four more languages to communicate- So, as I said: " You speak a hundred dollar, I speak only one dollar".

hillwalker3000

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Re: Is this scene any better?(I don't know if I'm doing the narrative right)
« Reply #14 on: August 24, 2017, 10:37:07 AM »
You have your 'lingo' - that's fine. But this is an English language forum dedicated to the craft of writing (in English) so I'm not sure how your stories fit in. Without appearing rude, you're wasting your time and ours.

H3K