Author Topic: Rosemary is for remembrance (new formula plus original)  (Read 973 times)

Offline duck

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Re: Rosemary is for remembrance (new formula plus original)
« Reply #15 on: May 29, 2017, 03:02:24 AM »
Thank you
Tom and Inder for sticking with this. I have no idea where to go with it but am welcome for all impulses and am happy to plug away, ripping up and rebuilding.
Dave

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Rosemary is for remembrance (new formula plus original)
« Reply #16 on: May 29, 2017, 05:43:47 PM »
I guess I don't know what to say either Dave.  The poem is really good.  I am embarrassed to say I like the earlier versions better, even though I guess i lobbied for the newer revision. ::) ::)

T
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Offline duck

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Re: Rosemary is for remembrance (new formula plus original)
« Reply #17 on: May 30, 2017, 08:31:01 AM »
No need for apologies Tom I like the ideas and the chance to mess around.
Dave

Offline indar

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Re: Rosemary is for remembrance (new formula plus original)
« Reply #18 on: May 30, 2017, 11:19:42 AM »


Original

Causes fold into the creases, unseen
I understand this line to mean the way we store memory: the title sets this statement up well and the following is that conundrum "how do we know what we know?"
even to themselves. I walk to the bridge,
watch the murmurs carry sticks beyond stones
watching murmers carry sticks is an example of confusion of senses or something for which there is an actual name but I can't think of it. But to me this is one of the outstanding lines in this poem
and the jutting willow. Echoes of drowning
come to mind and whatever will be will would work better as two sentences I think
tucked among riverside grasses dank as sopping hair. Fabulous image


I remember your running home through a storm,
news in hand of impending doom, poor soul,
so ever fearful. It was hard to calm you; I tried
while I dried your hair, sleek and slippery as an incoming tide -
crowflowers, and cardinal flower, all puffy mouths invite,
set soft in seduction and yet I see no innocence there.

I tend the garden now, in absence of your green fingers, no need for the explanation
[/color]the borders of hardy perennials that refuse to wither and die.
Russian Sage, Blanket Flower and Veronica colour the shadows
grow beyond the doubt and light I still crave.
Unbidden weeds I leave well alone,
eventually to choke the very life from the soil. The end is just a bit of a let down for me but I don't have a suggestion. I read the garden tending as a kind of ongoing commitment to memory, but the weeds killing it off flies into the face of that interpretation.


Love this poem. I hope you don't alter it too much.

Offline indar

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Re: Rosemary is for remembrance (new formula plus original)
« Reply #19 on: May 30, 2017, 11:22:15 AM »
Once I goof up as in the above I don't know how to fix it. I have no idea how I managed to turn so much of final stanza blue---sigh I meant to say the last 2 lines seem to belie the rest of the poem but perhaps the weeds overtaking the beautiful garden means the erosion of memory.
« Last Edit: May 30, 2017, 11:28:01 AM by indar »

Offline duck

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Re: Rosemary is for remembrance (new formula plus original)
« Reply #20 on: May 30, 2017, 01:42:23 PM »
Indar
Thanks for all the suggestions I have taken them all and changed the end.
Dave

Offline Mark T

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Re: Rosemary is for remembrance (new formula plus original)
« Reply #21 on: May 30, 2017, 01:57:11 PM »

I like the new version - technically better, reads easier, but also lost a bit of something. Think you have a typo in the last line - two danks.


Offline Tom 10

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Re: Rosemary is for remembrance (new formula plus original)
« Reply #22 on: June 01, 2017, 09:59:18 AM »
It's a delight to keep coming back to this. :)
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